


The Phoenix

by Adele865



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angsty Rey, Blow Jobs, Canon Divergence, Cunnilingus, Dark Rey (Star Wars), Dirty Talk, Emotional Baggage, Emperor Kylo Ren, Empress Rey (Star Wars), Enemies to Lovers, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Force Dyad (Star Wars), Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren Angst, Plot Twists, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Kylo Ren, Renperor, Sexual Tension, Smut, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, The Force Ships It, The Last Jedi - Freeform, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Virgin Rey (Star Wars), canonverse, ruling the galaxy is hard, soft yet violent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:29:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 49,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27475804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adele865/pseuds/Adele865
Summary: "This is not going to go the way you think." Starts mid TLJ Features Kylo/Ben, Rey/Dark Rey, Poe/Dark Poe.When things with Luke spiral out of control, Rey is left fighting with herself over who she is and what she wants. All the while, still struggling with the chaotic back and forth of Kylo Ren leaving her reeling at every turn.
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron & Rey, Poe Dameron/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 53
Kudos: 85





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this idea jammed itself into my brain and has stubbornly refused to leave. This starts from the hand touch scene in TLJ with a few tweaks. I want to try out some dark plot lines and go on a wild ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going through and doing some edits for clarity, emphasis, and flow! Some chapters ahead may not be edited yet and look different until I complete this process.
> 
> Please enjoy and review <3

_ Ahch-To _

I recovered from the Force vision, trying to sit neatly and push away what I had seen. I needed to compose myself, I couldn’t process all of that right now. It didn’t make sense. But, I found myself wondering what he saw. He’d had a vision too, I could see the fresh unrest in his features. A strange sereneness jumbled with hints of confusion and disbelief danced across his face. I felt a hot tear glide down my cheek, I wanted to look away, but my eyes were locked in his moody depths.

I hadn’t registered the movement of his hand until I felt the warmth of his fingertips brushing across my cheek, his thumb gently sweeping away the tear. It then occurred to me how near he was. I could smell that distinctly masculine musk, somehow earthy and spicy, with a sharp, clean, citrus scent that cut through. It was fascinating in complexity, and I pondered that it was an accurate metaphor to his personality. Amongst all his cruelty and harshness, he seemed to possess this kindness and gentleness too. He wanted to ease the pain I felt. How odd.

He hadn’t spoken, and I didn’t feel compelled to. As though a spell would be broken. This quiet, peaceful moment had rooted somewhere in me, and I just wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. An interaction where we weren’t fighting or exchanging barbed comments. I felt like maybe for the first time, I could truly see Ben inside this dark warrior shell. His eyes seemed soft and warm in the fire light, I felt this aching loneliness and longing swirling around us, and I couldn’t be sure if it was mine or his truthfully. 

I had so desperately wanted answers to the most painful question, and it was still left as a gaping hole in my heart. He’d mentioned my unabashed chasing and seeking of parents as my greatest weakness, and I was starting to realize that as a hard truth to swallow. Even while training with Luke, I’d been drawn to the cave so easily, because it tempted me with offers to show them to me. As it often seemed to be with the dark side, it was a lie. I should’ve known that, but I still went all the same. I couldn’t resist. Maybe that was the dark blight on my heart I couldn’t fight. 

I curled up on the floor leaning against the wall, and he carefully mimicked the action an arms length from me, though stretching out his absurdly long legs in front of him instead. His hands rested in his lap folded into each other. After several minutes observing the fire, I felt some anxiety reverberating through the hut. I subtly looked over at him, some sort of barely discernible indecision flickering across his features. I was confused by this, but I didn’t want to fluster him. As I resigned myself to wait, I noticed his hand shift to the floor between us and turn his palm up.

He didn’t look at me or acknowledge it at all, his face resuming it’s neutral mask I was accustomed to. He sat unnaturally still, as if he were holding his breath. It bubbled into my awareness that he was offering it to hold. I still felt damp and chilled to the bone, despite best efforts with the blanket and fire. I’d have been lying if I denied the prospect of his warm hand was appealing. It dawned on me that the anxious feeling was coming from him, he was afraid I would reject the gesture. The conflict in him was strong, I could feel that smothered bit of light within him trying to show. He was trying to offer me comfort.

The more I tried to understand him, the more lost I felt honestly. But if there were some place in between light and dark, could I entertain that idea with Kylo? Maybe the darkness would always be stronger than the light in him, could I accept that? I would think more on it later. For now, whatever this connection was between us, it wasn’t going away. And if I could carefully develop some semblance of a partnership between us, maybe there was a way to end the suffering. 

I had begun to see common ground between us. Though I tried to keep him firmly vilified in my mind for what he had done, each time I encountered him, he showed me more and more humanity and self-awareness. I too longed, whether I would admit that or not. Longed for someone who understood the pain, the loneliness, the rejection, the sadness. All those hard feelings I harbored weighed heavy on my heart after a life alone on Jakku. Though I envied him for having parents who loved him, he’d alluded that things weren’t as they appeared. What had happened between them, that had left him feeling so utterly alone? So rejected, and hurt?

I gently placed my much smaller hand across his large palm, his fingers immediately curled around mine, and he turned his head to look at me. Now I felt...wonder? Hope? Joy? It was an odd and constantly shifting myriad of emotions, and I tried to analyze them as I was now realizing I could somehow feel what he felt. He was surprised, but very pleased I had reciprocated that vulnerable act, the second such one tonight. He searched my face with a softness I had not yet seen in him. Before, I saw just a peek through a crack, and now I felt as though we’d opened a door, and what was on the other side remained to be seen.

He looked down, then back to the fire. I could’ve sworn I saw a tinge of pink bloom over his cheeks, but it was hard to tell with the firelight dancing across his features. Surely he wasn’t such an emotional creature. I rested my head against the wall behind me and closed my eyes for what I thought would be a moment, but instead, I woke to the cold chill of the dying fire and an empty hut. My hand was still lain in the spot where his hand was, and I pulled it to my chest. Had he fallen asleep too and the connection dropped? I wondered how long he had been gone, and why I was disappointed he was no longer there. 

It was two days later I laid in bed shivering from a fresh storm and it was late, but I couldn’t sleep. It must’ve been the season on Ahch-To or something, the nights seemed to be getting colder and colder. I didn't exactly have an appropriate wardrobe for this climate change. I was frustrated, the threadbare blanket wasn’t helping much, and the native creatures were immune to the temperatures it seemed. 

Luke had refused to speak or see me completely for the past two days. I was feeling adrift and upset, not knowing what would happen or how to deal with the infuriating man. How could he be so callous? What Kylo had said was still turning in my mind, that Luke had tried to kill him in his sleep. Luke had said Kylo attacked him. Who did I believe? Was Luke Skywalker really the hero touted in stories across the galaxy? Or was he secretly a villain himself who’d hidden away here in shame of what he had done? It made me wonder about Kylo’s experience at the temple and how he truly fell to the dark side.

As if summoned, I noticed a looming shadow form in the firelight against the wall, clad in all black as usual. However, his look tonight was much more casual than previous encounters. No boots, just black socks, black lounge pants, thick black knit sweater, and a black turtleneck underneath. He looked as though he had just been setting something down, maybe a tablet to a desk perhaps? His eyes met mine with surprise to see me, but I felt no concern or negative emotion. He looked me up and down, cocking his head to one side. 

“You’re cold, you don’t have proper clothes do you?” He muttered in a gentle tone. 

“It’s no concern of yours.” I blurted out harshly, turning my face away as it reddened in embarrassment at the disparity of our circumstances. 

He flinched, almost imperceptibly, and averted his eyes to the fire. I immediately regretted the rebuke, realizing he was probably trying to be kind, for whatever his reasons were, and the rejection wouldn’t help soothe tensions between us if I ever wanted anything productive to come of this. 

“I...yes, I’m rather freezing, I…I didn’t know it got so cold here and anyway, I’m from the desert...As you know, so I don’t have winter clothing.” 

He gave a displeased huff in response, glaring at the wall for some reason. Had I already completely ruined this encounter? His eyes made their way up to mine, a softer and concerned look in them. He didn’t like that I was cold, I could tell that much. Why was unclear, however. 

Then suddenly, without prompt, he yanked his sweater up and over his head. He removed the garment completely and approached my perch on the cot rapidly. I tensed in alarm, but did not move, I intuitively knew somehow that he meant me no harm. He thrust the sweater into my arms, and he saw my lips move to protest, but he spoke first. 

“No, don’t argue. You need warmth, lucky for you it’s already preheated too.” The vaguest of smirks pulled at the edges of his lips. 

I didn’t argue, but I did give him a pout for good measure while my cheeks burned for some reason. I tried not to appear eager to pull on a heavenly warm sweater that I was entirely sure was the finest quality garment to have ever graced my skin. I wrapped my arms to my body even with the too long arm and torso length swallowing my petite frame. It was almost unbearably soft, and smelled powerfully of him. The intensity of it when I raised the collar to my face and buried my nose made my stomach flip in a way I’d never experienced before. I knew that I shouldn’t, but I really did like his scent. 

He stepped forward again, and I looked up at him curiously as he reached down to rub his large hands over my shoulders and upper arms to create friction. I averted my eyes, but allowed the gesture. 

“Better?” He asked quietly. 

“Yes...thank you.” 

I dared to look up into his eyes again. His face was inscrutable as always, but the room hummed with satisfaction. I wanted to believe in Ben, a kind man buried beneath the darkness. I was beginning to accept he might have told me the truth, and a lot about who he had become seemed so much more clear since I came to this island. 

I pondered over his face when I had called him a monster that night by the raging ocean. He had confirmed it as true,  _ “Yes, I am.” _ But, it had disarmed me. The suffering in his eyes, the self loathing and conflict in his expression. I saw now, he did indeed know he was a monster, but that look- he hated himself for it. He didn’t want to be Kylo Ren. I’d found myself since then to be consumed with trying to understand this man. I think that’s where it began, I remembered feeling so torn afterward. It didn’t feel good. I felt as though I’d already stabbed him, but I’d dug the knife further. And I didn’t relish the pain I saw reflected back in his eyes.

This wasn’t how I thought it would be. How did he get to this point? I’d come to understand that things weren’t as black and white as would be convenient to believe. I  _ wanted _ to understand. More baffling than all that, deep down, I wanted to comfort him too. Ben. Somehow, an impossible thought barged into my mind, and I couldn’t shake away the urge. I stood, eyes still on his, and watched him appraise my movement calmly. I wanted to push the line, how far would he let it go before it broke?

“Don’t be afraid, I feel it too.” He murmured, his eyes molten and boring into mine. 

An echo of words he had spoken once before, though the weight of them felt different now. He lifted both hands from their places at his sides, stretching them out toward me with the palms up, again an offering to me. I glanced down at his hands briefly, contemplating what I wanted to do. I met his eyes again and stepped forward until I was directly between his arms, but not touching them or taking his hands. Gingerly, I reached out with both hands and rested them atop his shoulders. 

The room was surging with anxiety and excitement, I could faintly feel his erratic heartbeat against my palms and heard him suck in a shaky breath. His lips parted slightly, and his bottom lip quivered. I slowly slid my hands up the broad slopes of his shoulders to the back of his neck and pulled myself flush to his massive frame. He stood there lame with shock for a moment, I could feel his disbelief and wonder tickling over my skull. Then slowly he wrapped those long arms around my waist and pulled me against his trembling chest tightly. 

I gasped, then took a couple shaky breaths. I felt something hot on my cheeks, only to realize they were tears. Why was I crying over this sensation? His body emanated heat like the Jakku sun. I had never felt such warmth and safety in my life. The longer I was near him, if you could say that, I recognized a strange feeling. It wasn’t an emotion, I couldn’t really read or analyze it, it wasn’t something conscious or logical. But there was a draw between us, something deep inside him that called to me, and I suspect in me that called to him. Like a thread between us that resisted less and less the closer we were in proximity. This…’whole’ sensation. What did it mean?

“STOP!!” 

Suddenly the walls around us tore away and I was met with the sight of a furious Luke Skywalker, his eyes blazed even as the fire was killed by the storm. 

The heavy, cold rain drops were beating down on my head, though I could barely feel them on my shoulders through the sweater.  _ ‘The sweater!’ _ I looked down at myself realizing he must surely see the black garment many sizes too big for me, then whipped my head to Kylo, but he was gone. I was filled with dread, did Luke see him? Could he see him? Luke had unwittingly interrupted our connection previously, but gave no indication of seeing Kylo, though Kylo seemed to either see or sense Luke.

Without a word, he spun on his heel and began to storm away. Indignation and fury pulsed in my veins, and I gave chase. 

“Is it true? You tried to murder him?” I questioned loudly. I needed to know, more than I would care to admit. I needed to understand who I was drawn to inexplicably, and I desperately needed to know if I could trust him. 

“Leave this island, NOW!” He bellowed, still refusing to acknowledge me. 

“Stop! Is it true?! Did you create Kylo Ren?!” 

He still trudged on, and in my frustration, I pushed with the Force, sending him tumbling off his feet. 

“Tell me the truth!” I yelled tearfully. 

This question was pulling on my heart now too, and I couldn’t bear it. 

“I sensed darkness, beyond what I’d ever imagined. I wasn’t scared enough then, I should’ve seen it through and ended him before this nightmare he’s unleashed began. You two will be the end of everything I love.” He shoved me back with the Force violently, and I crashed to the stone, smacking my head as I landed. 

“Your mistake was thinking his decision was made. I’ve seen a vision, there is another way. This could be how we win, by treading a new path! He’s our last hope.” I responded fervently, trying to regain my feet and ignore the burning, swimming sensation in my brain. 

“This is not going to go the way you think... You will never be a Jedi. LEAVE!” He yelled again, a rage in his eyes I’d never seen before. 

It cut me deep, but I couldn’t let him see that. I ceased the pursuit, I got my answer after all. He stormed off, and I turned back to face the ruined hut. I needed shelter, I would have to go back to the  _ Falcon _ and decide what to do next. It provided a much needed break from the wind and rain, though it wasn’t much warmer with the busted heat exchange. I removed my drenched clothing and put on my other off white, and dry, robes.

I reluctantly surrendered the sweater to hang it out to dry and climbed into the bunk. I swore I could still feel Luke’s anger, I couldn’t settle down enough to sleep. My anxiety surged, truthfully, knowing what I now knew, I didn’t know if I was safe here any longer. I pondered on things Luke had said, that the Jedi needed to end and other vague statements about such stark sides being folly.  _ ‘It didn’t scare me enough then, it does now.’  _ Those words rattled around in my brain. What would that fear drive him to do?

Was strength to be feared? Was teetering the line so unacceptable? Was the idea of such just too much for him to conceive? Was he saying I would inevitably fall to the darkness like Ben, because I naturally held such proclivity? He was so startled and bothered when I was pulled toward the cave. He was the one who said Jedi teachings were flawed, I didn’t understand. But I decided to put those thoughts away, it made my head hurt and my stomach upset. 

Something else came to mind. Something Maz had said on Takodana.  _ “Whomever you’re waiting for on Jakku, they’re never coming back. But there’s someone who still could. The belonging you seek is not behind you, but ahead.” _

Someone who still could. Someone who could come back. Could she mean Ben Solo? My vision...I saw him so clearly beside me, that place full of light… Belonging. Is that what I felt? When he held me in his arms? That feeling drawing me to him, that I should be near him. Did that mean I belonged with him? Could I accept that? Could I take that risk? I wasn’t sure. While my perception of Kylo had begun to change, the things he had done had not. The path he was choosing to take had not. Could I change that? Could he still be saved? I told him it wasn’t too late, and I believed that. Did he?

I felt a wave of anxiety and fury hit me like a tsunami, followed by an equally strong wave of relief, frustration, helplessness. I knew without even looking, he was here. I rolled over, and he was kneeled beside the bunk, fully dressed again in his usual battle attire. 

“You’re alright... I was worried.” He murmured then averted his eyes, embarrassed at his admission. “What happened?” He asked calmly, his eyes back to mine. 

“Well, he was very angry. He demanded I leave, I refused and demanded answers. He said he should’ve gone through with it and killed you, and that the two of us would destroy everything he loves. Said I’d never be a Jedi, and insisted again that I leave.” 

I had picked at the blanket while talking, but a flash of red hot anger drew my eyes back to his face in a snap. His eyes were fixated on my head above my right eye, his nostrils flared, I heard the creak of his gloves as his hands curled into a fist. 

“He hurt you.” Kylo ground out from clenched teeth.

His chest heaved noticeably, shoulders tensed, jaw drawn tight. He was very upset by this. I was confused slightly, hadn’t he tried to kill me himself? Well, he did seem much more fixated on me joining him than me dying per se. 

His angry eyes locked onto mine then, “No, I do not want you hurt.” He responded pointedly to that train of thought. 

Had he read my mind just now? No, surely it was a guess, I had gotten much better at shielding my mind from him. Now that it was mentioned, my head did throb along the temple and felt very hot.

He rose to his feet, and walked away to the point I couldn’t see him. But he returned quickly, and fell to his knees again as I sat up on the bunk. His expression was very serious as he firmly, but gently, cleaned my wound with a damp cloth. He carefully unpackaged a bacta patch and affixed it. 

“Thank you.” I said softly, placing my hand atop his resting on his thigh. 

His head didn’t move, but his eyes dropped to our hands as he turned it over underneath mine and held my hand. He looked up at me, those needy eyes again. 

“You’re welcome.” Came his quiet reply. “Rey.” He said sharply, averting his eyes to our hands again. 

“Yes?” I answered. 

“Where are you? Are you able to leave? You’re not safe there. He might return. Especially if he suspects we’ve been...communicating.” He struggled to decide on his last word, but tossed that one out. He wasn’t wrong. 

“I won’t give you information that could hurt the Resistance. I can leave if I need to, I haven’t made that decision yet. I can’t sleep at any rate, and I definitely need to rest.” I could feel his frustration rippling off him. 

“You’re ridiculous.” He huffed. 

“I don’t want to fight, please.” I sighed, I really was exhausted. He climbed onto the bunk, to my surprise. He rested his back against the wall, the bed frame barely big enough to fit his legs even bent. 

“I’ll guard you, I won’t let him get you while you’re sleeping. That’s not happening again.” I could see the determination and hurt in his eyes. 

This plane of existence the connection created was confusing, I couldn’t quite grasp the rules. He couldn’t see my surroundings, but could see immediate objects if I touched them, it seemed.

He could see the bunk, and the wall once on the bunk apparently. But then, he leaned over deeply and yanked at something I couldn’t see, but then suddenly appeared. A thick quilted duvet. His face was neutral as he offered it to me, his knees apart far enough I could climb between them. I blushed furiously, I wasn’t sure how to navigate this odd situation with a man who was supposed to be my enemy, but the most helpful and available person at the moment. 

Once I carefully laid back against his chest, he closed the duvet around me along with his arms, holding me gently, but snugly. 

My emotions ran wild every which way, I tried to remind myself to be calm and grateful. He was trying to show me the good in him, he was letting me see that light in him that was very carefully guarded. I still didn’t understand completely, but this was progress. His actions were thoughtful and deliberate, I couldn’t ignore the level of care he was beginning to express. I didn’t quite know what to make of it, perhaps he realized his rough manner and biting remarks wouldn’t win me to his side and this was a different tactic. I was wary of that, but still it made me hopeful. I had to show him he could trust me. I just wasn’t sure how to accomplish that part yet. 

I draped one hand over his forearm resting over his knees, my cheek resting along his collarbone against the thick and coarse tunic he wore. Once I closed my eyes, I was keenly aware of the rise and fall of his chest and his heartbeat was loud and erratic against my ear at first, but after several minutes it slowed to a steady thump. Before I’d realized, I drifted off. I hadn’t the foggiest idea how long I’d been asleep when I was abruptly woken by a shout from Kylo. 

“REY WAKE UP!” 

There were several things I rapidly considered in that moment, that Kylo was helpless to defend me- we’d established we couldn’t attack through the connection with a blaster previously, that I still did not know if Luke and Kylo could both see each other- though it was evident Kylo could definitely see or sense Luke in close proximity to me (hence his warning), my saber was missing when I called for it in the Force, followed by the realization Luke wielded it himself as he lumbered toward me, and quite finally- that Luke had murderous intent as that saber came swinging down in a hefty blow.

Something I think not one of the three of us expected happened then. In a split second of raw survival instinct, I yanked Kylo’s saber from his belt and ignited it in my defense. As the spitting red blade cackled and blocked Luke’s attack, it seemed as though his rage was amplified even further. 

“So you’ll join the dark side for a pair of pretty eyes?!” He spat, as he disengaged then swung out again wildly toward my waist. 

“I didn’t do what I should’ve done before, and the galaxy has paid the price for that weakness in me. I won’t let you do this. This time, I’ll end the threat before you can wreak any more destruction!” He bellowed, his expression was wild and his movements powerful and intense.

Kylo was yelling at me urgently as I blocked the next swing, “Where are you?! REY! Tell me!” 

Less than angry or demanding, it was desperate. He feared for my life. I could only spare him a brief glance, but his expression was heartbreaking. 

_ “Ahch-To.”  _ I breathed in my mind as loud as I could think, Luke had yet to acknowledge Kylo’s presence, and I didn’t want him to hear me speak to him in case it was to my advantage. 

  
_ “Just hold on, I’m coming for you.” _ His reply boomed, echoing in my skull. 


	2. Chapter 2

_ Supremacy _

Where in the  _ kriff _ was Ahch-To? I had never once heard of it, but luckily Rey had projected the last piece of the map she had withheld from me into my mind when she told me. I knew how to get there at least. Wherever  _ there _ was remained to be seen. The beast inside me raged at the threat to her, possessive and unrelenting.  _ Mine. Mine!  _ **_Mine!_ ** I tried to at least look composed, but I knew my arms were vibrating with violent intentions. The beast howled and thrashed against it’s fleshy prison,  _ How dare he, I’ll kill him! Don’t touch her! I won’t let him. Not her.  _ I took a deep, shaking breath trying to steel myself. 

I’d been captivated since the moment we met, fascinated by her strength and unreasonable power. It was almost endearing, but mostly infuriating, how little she thought of herself. She didn’t recognize her own potential. And she ran to  _ him _ of all the unworthy people, to learn. She wanted to be a  _ Jedi. _ Intolerable. Couldn’t she feel the shadow within her? She could never be a Jedi. And constantly hindering her potential with that inability to focus on anything but the consuming need to know her parents. As if parents ever helped one reach their potential.

Yet, I knew, in that light part of me I tried to tamp down, that my brusque manner with her wouldn’t help her to realize any of those things. I’d never forgotten that look in her eyes in the forest. It was seared into my memory. To her, I was a monster. She reminded me she thought so at every opportunity it seemed. But, she’d caught me at a weaker moment. I ruminated often on my choices, most particularly killing Han. I was already feeling raw when she suddenly appeared, the tell tale whooshing of air followed by a vacuum of silence, then right on into the hostilities and assumptions.

I was already hurting, and her ferocity cut me to the quick that day. To most, it was probably imperceptible, but I knew my carefully neutral expression had faltered, my affirmation of her barb was loaded with feelings I wished would go away. I never asked for any of this. I didn’t dream of being evil as a child. I didn’t relish this life filled with strife and pain. But I was doing what needed to be done. And what needed to be done required power. And power required sacrifice. I had to bear this pain, and I had to suffer, to accomplish these ends.

I strode with purpose, only just short of actually running. A benefit of my imposing stature was to close long distances quickly. Whenever I moved throughout the ship, my mask was generally so unnerving no one dared to make eye contact and gave a wide berth. Now, with the mask destroyed, I was pleased that my expression was still ominous enough to repel the underlings. The turbolift opened, revealing two stormtroopers and two officers talking amongst themselves. It was clear they were also headed down. 

“Get. Out.” I growled through clenched teeth. 

One look at me and they scrambled from the lift without hesitation, their fear was palpable. I was growing more and more irritated by the time it took to get to the hanger in this monstrosity of a ship. The thought of her in danger made my stomach flip, I worked hard to ignore the anxiety and nausea. I touched the jagged skin, tracing along my cheek and over my jaw, a reminder of her power, a reminder of  _ her _ I carried. Ever since that encounter where the salt water sprayed me as she left, something had changed between us. Maybe she saw  _ me _ . I couldn’t be sure. Her expression when she left was not her usual, she looked confused and...sad maybe. Had she believed I felt nothing when I killed him? Was discovering that I did, and that I agreed with her assessment of me, so shocking? 

Before the doors completely opened, I’d already slid through and made a beeline for my Silencer. An officer moved as though he intended to question my actions, but one glance from me and he quickly thought otherwise, scurrying away like the rat he was. I burst out of the hanger and set in the coordinates, blessedly she wasn’t too far and my craft had the capability to get to her expeditiously. 

The thought of what Luke might do to her kept barging into my mind unwelcome, and an unsettling wave of queasiness came with the thought. I did all I could to push it out and focus on anything else.

Softness. That was a welcome distraction. The way she looked at me, it had changed. And I couldn’t deny my delight somewhere inside. I didn’t like the crying, I didn’t like to see her hurt. But I felt immense relief at the change in her attitude toward me. She let me close to her, she let me show her comfort. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want it myself, there was always a degree of selfishness to my actions I supposed. Touching her and holding her were things I didn’t dare dream of, but she welcomed it. Tentatively, but all the same. It was dizzying, I felt lightheaded and jittery at her touch, but yet, I felt a deep sense of calm too.

From the moment I touched her hand, I knew I had to be with her. I saw her with me. I’d raze the whole galaxy for it. I’d kill for her, die for her. But an important realization happened too. I couldn’t be with her and be completely in the darkness. The light I fought within me, like the darkness she fought within her, was the bridge between us. There was something deeper to it, instinctually I felt it, like a magnet it was inescapable the way I was drawn to her. Though, unlike her, I wasn’t interested in fighting that draw. I  _ wanted _ her. 

I knew I had to be careful, I had to give her time to come around and trust me. I’d have to win her over, and currently I was at a loss as to how to do that. As horribly impatient a person I was, I had to wait. She wouldn’t be forced or rushed. I had to show her that I cared and nurture the connection between us. The thought of being vulnerable to her was truly terrifying, in a way I’d never experienced. This connection would give me the opportunities I needed, but I had to use them wisely. I felt I had at least done that well so far, if nothing else. She didn’t violently hate me the way she had before. Everything else in my life could go to shit, but if I could just have her. 

I  _ had _ to have her. 

The thought alone of feeling her in my arms gave me gooseflesh. I couldn’t shake the thought of her lips, wondering how they would feel against mine. Perfection, I would imagine.  _ Mine. _ The beast growled in my chest.  _ Protect what’s mine. _ It bellowed threateningly. 

I would kill that despicable, incompetent man at long last and take her away. I would teach her myself, I would make her strong. I would nourish her, protect her, care for her, like no one had ever bothered to. The fools who’d left her behind. They didn’t understand what they’d thrown away. She deserved so much better. 

She deserved  _ everything _ .

I’d never lie to her, I never had. I’d answer her questions, I’d give her anything. I wanted her to stop seeking people who didn’t even want her. They weren’t worth it, never were. I wished I could shield her from that disappointment, but she had to learn it and overcome it herself, I knew that. I’d find a way. Coping with your parents throwing you away like garbage was something I’d attempted for many years now, at least I could relate. 

A terrifying realization had really taken seat within me. I wanted her to see me as I am, to understand my pain and suffering, but more than anything, I wanted her to accept me as a man who cared very deeply for her. 

I felt a disturbance in the Force rippling through me. My body was rigid with anxiety. Ahch-To was in sight now, my apprehension and fear making me feel dizzy as I descended into the atmosphere. I reached out to feel what was there. 

I could feel her Force signature thrumming with power, and it gave me a strange feeling of pride. She could hold her own, she was strong. That hole, had she defeated him? Killed him? No, I didn’t think she was capable of such. She was still too firmly entrenched in the teachings of the light side, she’d avoid killing him at any cost.  _ She needs me to do it for her. I’ll bear the burden.  _

By the moonlight, I could see there was one large island ahead with small uninhabitable craigs around it, she was there. I’d seen this island in her mind long before she came to it. As I approached, the Falcon was visible on a ledge. There was space beside it, and though a bit begrudgingly, I landed beside it. 

Cold. Yes, this was the place. I could smell the salt water, the wind whipped wildly. Though it was already raining, a larger storm was coming. 

Suddenly, she rushed down the gangplank. Tears streamed down her cheeks, I was bombarded with her emotions. Grief, anguish, fear. Those were the strongest and easiest to identify. The intensity at which she felt them took my breath away for a moment.

I hadn’t thought about what I’d do once I got to her. Luke was nowhere in sight, but my body went ahead as though on a mind of its own, closing the distance between us rapidly. As I got closer, she was trembling. Fear? Cold? She was drenched again, likely from fighting in the rain, my sweater probably wasn’t dry yet from the last confrontation. I was overcome with relief, she was in one piece, she was safe. 

As I came into arms reach, she looked up at me with this unbearably soft look filled with need. I couldn’t explain what overtook me, the next things happened so quickly.

Her cheeks were in my palms, almost as though I had to feel for sure that she was real. She reached for me, her hand gripping at the fabric across my shoulder, and tilted her face further toward mine. My heart was already pounding noisely in my ears, but I was a man possessed. My hands dropped to her waist and pulled her in flush against me, then my lips came crashing down upon her waiting ones. 

She reciprocated, I was reeling. 

Her lips moved against mine in such passion, the Force hummed all around us in contentment, as though it were some sentient being. Had I ever felt whole before? Like some immeasurable chasm in my soul had been filled so completely. My heart beat wildly in my chest as I looked down on that mysterious being. A scavenger. Rey.  _ Mine. _

I could feel my cheeks were flushed, my mouth still hung dumbly agape in disbelief of what had transpired. The equal shock in her expression, and the furious red that burst across her face, made me wonder if she was so inexplicably compelled as I was. A bloom of doubt in the back of my mind, a lack of trust in others, whispered  _ Does she regret it?  _

It felt like we stood there staring at each other for an inordinate amount of time, paying no heed to the rain soaking us further. Doubt and confusion swirled around us, was it just mine I was feeling? I couldn’t tell. I began to worry she’d flee from me, and I hoped desperately that she wouldn't. But then, she suddenly lurched forward into my chest, burying her face in my dense tunic, and sobbed. 

I was off guard a moment, then realized she had indeed been crying when I arrived, and she needed my comfort.  _ She needs me. _ That beast cooed possessively.

I shuffled us forward under the canopy supplied by the  _ Falcon _ , removing her from the rain and taking the dense, waterproof cloak from my shoulders and wrapping it around her tiny frame. She trembled still, so I undid my thick waist belt, opening up the damp, armored tunic to reveal the warm, dry underlayer. She shifted and curled into the now available warmth, I could feel the puff of her exhaling and the hot tears through my shirt. I held her closely and let her cry, resting a cheek on her head while the other hand gently worked through the mess of hair half undone. 

After several minutes, the crying ebbed and her breathing became more even. Embarrassment? She was bothered that I’d seen her cry again? She meekly peeked a look at my face, her cheeks were red again, I didn’t understand why. She wiggled around under the tunic and cloak, then thrust something out for me to appraise. 

“Sorry I took it...” 

Oh. My lightsaber. How did I forget that? I needed to regain my wits. I grasped it without remark, and fixed it to its normal position on my waist belt. 

There was another important thing I had let slip since arriving. 

“Where is Luke?” The disdain was surely evident in my voice, though I tried to sound neutral. 

She choked, fresh tears leaping forward. “Gone…” 

My face mashed in confusion. She didn’t appear hurt, some bruises and scrapes, but nothing substantial. Did he leave? 

“What do you mean?”

She tearfully, but pointedly, looked out to her left for a moment. 

She took my hand,  _ how I liked that _ , then began to lead me away. 

As we walked, I used my other hand to clasp my tunic and waist belt, and removed the cloak entirely to drop on her shoulders. Her eyes were sullen, but she gave me an appreciative, if strained, smile in return. My hair was plastered to my neck and face at this point, but I didn’t care. 

We approached a demolished hut, I had suspected he might’ve destroyed her dwelling and led to her staying on the  _ Falcon _ . We continued past it into a large field along a slope. There was evidence of battle here, burned and upturned earth, rocks scattered around with unnatural grooves or lobed in half. That’s when I noticed the body.

She released my hand, staying rooted to the spot some several feet away as I got closer. There was no Force signature I could discern, and no breathing. The skin was grey and held no indication of life. He hadn’t aged well.  _ Bastard. _ He was definitely dead. But why hadn’t his body disappeared? He didn’t become one with the Force? Maybe he was damned.  _ Good. _

“I didn’t mean to.” She said, voice barely above a whisper. 

Consciously, I couldn’t see her intentionally killing him, though I might take more pleasure in that thought. To kill a hero of the Resistance? That would take a lot of darkness. Though hers could be stoked, it wasn’t strong enough right now to have been capable of such.

“Don’t cry over him. He doesn’t deserve your tears.” I’d meant to sound more gentle than hateful, but I couldn’t hold back the venom when it came to him. 

I was still too angry, even after all these years. She cried anyway, though I could tell she was trying to be quiet and fight back the sorrow. Why was I always causing her pain? Her connection to me thrust her into this danger, it was the reason he tried to kill her and she was suffering now because she had to defend herself. She didn’t want to kill him. As much as I hated him, she didn’t. 

I sighed, turning back to her. The beginnings of light were trickling over the horizon and the rain had relented temporarily. I tilted her chin up to look into those woeful eyes, before shutting mine and leaning my forehead against hers. She sighed contentedly, resting her hands against my abdomen. The sunrise began to beat against our cheeks, the slight warmth was appealing. 

I leaned away, “Rey.” 

She opened her eyes, gazing at me drowsily. 

“Come back with me.” I said calmly, but anxiety stewed in my gut. 

“You know that I can’t do that.” Her eyes were imploring, but I could feel the dread and doubt rolling off her. 

I scoffed. “You really think you can go back after killing the mighty hero, Luke Skywalker?” I replied sardonically. 

She didn’t like that at all, her righteous fury was back instantly. “It’s not my fault he tried to kill me! I won’t run away, they need me!” 

I shook my head in frustration, “No, no, what they  _ think _ they need is a  _ Jedi _ . That which you most clearly are not, and never will be Rey, and you know it!” I tried hard to keep my cool, but her flinch told me my tone had escalated into biting.

“That’s not true!” She yelled back angrily, but her tears gave her away. 

I knew she knew I was right. Why couldn’t she just face it? 

“You’re meant for so much more than this, and you know that too. I don’t understand why you so stubbornly refuse your destiny. I saw it, you’re meant to stand by me. I’ve told you before, you have to let the past die or you’ll never be able to move forward. The Resistance is a lost cause, it’s a waste of your time Rey.” I managed to get that out in a level voice, though my irritation was still clear, I was sure. 

“I’m such a fool. I can’t believe I let you trick me.” Anger. Betrayal. Pain. Disdain. Her emotions whipped through the bond between us, it felt like a slap to the face. 

“I have never tricked you. Unlike others in your life, even yourself, I have always told you the truth. What, is your pride hurt by my honesty?” I replied in disbelief and hurt.

How could she accuse me of tricking her? As if my feelings for her could ever be artifice. How could she deny me like this? I felt her passion, how could she still rebuke me? That vein of darkness within her grew stronger every time I encountered her. I was so sure she’d come to me after I saw Luke. But no, not even indecision. She was entirely indignant that I’d even suggest it.

“Allow my honesty to hurt yours. You're arrogant and conceited, you care nothing for the feelings of others! I could never be prevailed upon to love such a cruel and selfish man.” She mustered every bit of spite in her body, launching it at me as though a spearhead. 

I tried to be angry, but all I felt was a deep and unsettling hurt. She ran me right through, it took my breath away and I wasn’t sure I could even utter a response. I willed my face to be stone, but my lip still quivered slightly. 

My voice finally came quiet and strained. “Forgive me for wasting so much of your time.” 

I promptly turned and headed back down the path to my ship, carrying yet another wound from that woman. One I was much less keen to. As I flew away, I tried to steel myself. Despite the pain, even with millions of light years between our hearts, I would come running for her. I didn’t care how far. I’d come back for her, one day. One day. I saw it, she would be with me. 

I knew now why my heart was never satisfied, it was always her. 

_ I needed her. _


	3. Chapter 3

_ Ahch-To _

I fumed for nearly a day after he’d left, angry for what he’d done and angry at myself. I hated that I wanted him. He was the  _ worst. _ Why? How could I let that monster touch me, kiss me? All he cared about was power, he wanted me to drown in his darkness and use me as a tool in this war. I would not be his blade. That would not happen. Not  _ ever. _

But as one day passed into the next, my temper cooled. I knew he was right, begrudgingly. My anger and passion, the violence within me. It was not the makings of a Jedi, and that scared me. 

I had committed myself to the Resistance, and to becoming someone who could help them in a meaningful way. But now, was I really any better off than I was before I came to this island? I only felt even more confused. I felt  _ tainted. _ That cave had stirred something in me, and Ren stoked it further. 

Was Luke right? Would I be some harbinger of destruction? No. No. That was not me. He was a bitter old man, who’s failure had created the terror of the known galaxy. He was just afraid… right?

If I let my thoughts linger on the battle that resulted in his death, my breaths became sharp and difficult, my heartbeat a painful staccato rhythm. I’d go cold and feel dizzy, the distress bringing me to tears again. I didn’t want to kill him, I hadn’t meant to. I didn’t even know I was capable of  _ that. _ But, worse than anything, and the thought that drove me to panic, was that I  _ enjoyed _ his cries of pain. I took sick delight in watching the life fade from his eyes. 

I was terrified of myself, if I was honest. 

Such was the reason I remained here in indecision. Part of me deeply feared facing Leia, knowing I killed her brother and all the faith she’d put in me right along with him. But the larger part of me feared what I would become. 

In the midst of war, there was no way to hide from killing. How many lives would it take for the dark side to swallow me whole? How could I live with hurting someone who trusted me? Would I even care at that point? I trembled and tried furiously to banish the thoughts plaguing me.

Chewie had been upset, but he believed me. He said he once knew Luke so well, but he wasn’t sure he did anymore when we came here, he knew something had changed in him. Thankfully, he had slept through Ren’s brief appearance and was none the wiser about that encounter. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. 

I wasn’t sure what my next steps would be. It had been nearly a week, and I’d mostly been avoiding a decision. Chewie was patient, continuing to work on maintenance and repairs on the  _ Falcon _ . Not the heat exchange yet, to my despair. 

My sleep had been fitful and blighted by nightmares, so I avoided sleeping at times. I’d stay up late into the wee hours pouring over the Jedi texts I had taken from the temple. Some I couldn’t read, in ancient runic languages I couldn’t decipher, but I soaked in all I could. 

Surely there was something within them that could help me. I couldn’t resign myself to the fate that seemed imminent. There had to be a way to purge the darkness. A way to rid my mind of that image of a dark reflection staring back at me when I tried to sleep.

I wasn’t aware that I’d fallen asleep, but something was slowly tugging at my awareness, pulling me back to consciousness. I tried to enjoy the brief, peaceful, warm moment before I opened my eyes. When had I climbed into bed? That scent wafted through my mind, earth, spice, citrus. Ah. I remembered, I had worn his sweater when I finally got too cold to be stubborn about it anymore. I felt the sleeve against my cheek. 

But how was I so warm? The heat exchange wasn’t repaired, I should feel a cold draft coming through. Then, I felt lips pressing gently to my forehead, and my eyes shot open in surprise. 

“ _ You. _ ” I seethed, lurching upward in the bunk.

His expression was level, no response to my tone. Annoying. I was further disgruntled to realize, I had fallen asleep at the desk and he had carried me to the bunk. He had pulled the blankets up over me, then had the nerve to kiss my head, as though he had any right to such an intimate gesture.

“Why are you still being kind to me?” The aggressiveness in my voice wasn’t missed, he looked away with a huff, irritation mild but clear in his features. 

“Must you continue to insult me with the accusation that my only motivations for kindness are deceit?” 

I scoffed, refusing to dignify that with an answer. I would not be  _ used _ . 

“I care about you.” He said bluntly, his eyes smoldering with more he didn’t say. 

It caused a strange reaction deep in my gut, one that I was too unsettled by and didn’t want to analyze. 

“Loathsome creature.” I sneered. 

He smirked, which infuriated me further. 

“You don’t mean that.” He replied. 

“Yes I do!” I growled in frustration, but his eyes were alight with amusement. He was teasing me. He was enjoying this? He was truly demented. 

“Go away.” I glared at him, sitting casually on the edge of the bunk. 

“I can’t control it anymore than you can. We’re connected for a reason.” 

I rolled my eyes, tossing myself back down onto the pillow with a groan. I tried to burn a hole into the ceiling with my eyes, a futile endeavour to ignore his presence and hope he would disappear. Damn him. He was still staring at me! 

“I will never join you.” I spat, I wanted to make him angry. I didn’t want someone like  _ him  _ pursuing me. Why couldn’t a nice Resistance boy be obsessed with me instead?

“I disagree.” He said calmly, still unaffected. 

He was unbearable. I’d worked hard to find calm, but now the anger and passion were surging through me, a tempest of disgust and need. I  _ hated  _ him, how could my body be so blasphemous? 

He smirked at me again, as though he knew my thoughts. I gave him another pointed glare, before tossing over to face away from him.  _ Go away, go away, go away!  _ I chanted in my mind, hoping I’d somehow find a way to will him gone. I heard him sigh, but he didn’t move.

I must’ve dozed back off despite myself, but luckily he was gone when I awoke. I silently wished it would be a long while before he reappeared. At least I didn’t have a nightmare. I needed that rest. 

I’d been reading about combat forms, and I decided that would be a welcome reprieve to exhaust my body. Maybe that would help quiet my mind. 

At first, it did. It felt good to swing the saber, hearing it sing as I struck out into the air. An ominous looking storm was rolling in fast, but I decided I didn’t care and kept going. My movements were starting to slow from exhaustion, a sheen of sweat covering my exposed skin and dampening my robes. 

The rain began, softly at first. I stood catching my breath, prepared to give in for the day and retreat to the _ Falcon _ , but a sudden, large strike of lightning in the field ahead sent me reeling. I felt the blood drain from my face and my limbs shook, I ran inside the  _ Falcon _ with all I had left. I managed to stow away in my quarters before I collapsed completely, my body wracked with sobs, struggling to gasp in air. 

Luke’s face, distorted in pain, flashed in my mind.  _ No, please _ I begged, though unsure to who. 

_ “You’re a murderer Rey. A dirty little hypocrite. You belong together, a monster for a monster.”  _ That dark doppelganger taunted me, her eyes cold and cruel despite her singsong voice. Mocking me like a child. She dragged a pointed nail down my cheek, I swore I could feel it slicing my skin as it traced from below my eye down across my jaw and neck. Like Ren’s scar. 

“You’re wrong! You’re not real!” I yelled back in defiance, but the sinking feeling in my heart betrayed me. I wasn’t sure I believed that anymore. Maybe she had always been there, she was just awake now.

She kept on, saying cruel and profane things. I sobbed in frustration, my hands covering my ears in futile effort to stop the voice in my head, desperately trying to block out her words. 

“Get out of my head! Stop it!” My despair was growing by the minute. 

I wasn’t asleep, there was no waking up from her this time. I couldn’t escape.  _ “I am you, you’ll never escape me. You’re just a child, lost and out of control. Afraid of who you are.” _

Painful things were trying to bubble into my consciousness, and I was fighting a losing battle against them. 

“Rey? Rey!” That voice. 

Blessed Maker, the spell was broken! He had rushed toward me, dropping to his knees, preparing to reach for me, but he didn’t have to. 

In shock and relief, I lunged upward, locking my arms around his neck. He didn’t hesitate, powerful, muscled arms doubled around my waist securing me to him.  _ Safe. Safe. I’m safe. She’s gone.  _ I focused on my breathing, bringing it even as possible, soaking up his forever heavenly warmth. He was like a furnace, my personal Jakku sun. 

I couldn’t bring myself to care that I was supposed to be angry with him. I was much too frightened to be alone. And a disquiet part of me knew, he’s the only one who would understand. 

He was silent, rocking back onto his heels and then onto his rear on the floor, pulling me along gently into his lap. I felt his worry and apprehension. One hand started to gently rub my back as I composed myself, still hiding my face from him. His patience with me was unnerving. I wish I felt so certain and confident in my future as he did.

Maybe she was right, maybe I couldn’t escape the fate she laid at my feet. He was willing to bear all my hostilities, assured by the vision he’d seen. His faith was flattering. And well, if I was being honest, I was a selfish creature. I knew reaching to him for comfort in one moment, and rejecting him in the next was cruel. But I couldn’t stop myself. 

Was lack of self control an evil trait? My mind was numb and overloaded from...whatever the hell that was, and I just couldn’t give a damn more at the moment.

I pulled back from his neck, sparing only a quick glance into his eyes, before tangling my hands in his damp hair and dipping forward to claim his lips. His posture went rigid beneath me, he was wary. 

But it was fleeting, because the next moment he was gripping me tightly and consuming me like a starved man. 

When we finally parted out of need for oxygen, I appraised my situation a little more fully, and my cheeks reddened. He’d clearly just showered, he was nearly nude, save only for a pair of silky black boxer briefs. I averted my eyes, but he didn’t mind it at all, clearly.

“You say that I’m cruel, yet you kiss me like that.” He chuckled once. 

He sought out my eyes, brushing loose tendrils of hair from my face gently. The softness and understanding in them when they did meet mine made my heart flutter. When his large thumbs brushed over my cheeks, wiping away the tears, the fluttering spread to my stomach. I must be quite the mess, always crying around him. It made me feel very childish and I didn’t like that. 

“Talk to me. Who was in your head?” His concern was very serious as he searched my face, I could feel the anxiety just at the edges of my consciousness. 

I didn’t reply, unwilling to think about it. Instead, I burrowed my face into his neck again, hiding my face from his gaze. He sighed, but held me still. The Force around us became more calm, but the undercurrent of sorrow became more pronounced as the minutes passed. 

“We engaged the Resistance today.” He said solemnly. 

I knew he felt me stiffen. 

“I felt her. I had the shot lined up.” His voice was tense, remorseful maybe. 

“What happened?” I asked quietly. I wasn’t sure he’d tell me. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

“We went after them. They tried to get out of range so we’d be called back. I couldn’t do it. The bridge was destroyed by my teammate. I felt Luke finally join the Force, but not her. She’s alive, somehow.” 

I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. Had he ever confided in me before? Why was I pleased he did? His account sorely lacked detail, but then, we were still technically enemies. I supposed that was probably all I would get. 

“I had just gotten out of the shower when I saw you appear crumpled, wailing on my bedroom floor.” I felt his arms flex tighter, as if protective of me. 

I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to comprehend this man. I was hateful to him, but his first instinct was still to protect me. 

“Talk to me.” He said again, calm but firm.

“A storm rolled in fast while I was training. There was a huge bolt of lightning and it… took me back to that night, back to what happened.” I pulled away from his neck finally, bracing myself with a hand against his chest that I stared at as I recounted.

“I felt like… like I couldn’t breathe, like my lungs were collapsing. I felt ice cold and I couldn’t stop shaking. I’ve been haunted… stalked in all my dreams, by this… creature. A monster.” My eyes darted to his for a moment to gauge his reaction, but I saw none, just him listening with rapt attention. “She looks like me...almost. But she’s not human. Teeth like blades...fingers like claws...glowing yellow eyes. Wearing all black, like some hellbound reaper. And she says… such horrible things.” I covered my face, rubbing at it with trembling hands, as though that would erase the memory.

His hands gripped at my waist just barely tighter, his eyebrows drawn together as he contemplated what I’d revealed. 

“A panic attack. A visceral reaction to a trigger reminding you of the trauma you experienced when Luke tried to kill you.” He explained, rather clinically. 

“No. When I killed Luke.” I muttered woefully, lightly resting my hands on his shoulders. 

He looked at me with a puzzled expression, “He wanted to kill you, and you defended yourself, as you rightfully should. He died as a result, but that was his own fault for coming after you like that, don’t blame yourself.” 

I swallowed hard, I didn’t know how to make him understand. “It’s like… I wasn’t in control anymore. I never… I didn’t want this.” 

I tried to fight back the emotions threatening to surface again, but Ren made an unusual face at my admission that gave me distraction. 

“And you didn’t choose it Rey, he did.” He replied quietly, but with intense conviction. 

I nodded, then finally moved to stand. He watched quietly. My eyes drifted to the text on my desk, those runes I couldn’t read. 

I turned back to look at him, my mouth opening in question, but he was gone.

Why did it bother me? I had to stop spinning in circles, he was my enemy. It was good he was gone. Less opportunity for him to corrupt me and confuse me more. But then, I was already horribly confused. He probably knew that. 

What an entire mess. All my life, I had so intensely desired affection and belonging. Why did it have to be him that finally offered that to me? All those cheesy fairy tales on the Holonet made love sound so effortless and easy. Something that just  _ happens  _ to you, and works itself out. 

I carefully undressed, folding my clothes neatly and placing them in the bureau, and with anticipation, indulged a guilty comfort. I grabbed the sweater from the bunk where I’d left it this morning.  _ His  _ sweater. And pulled it over my head. It fit almost like a dress, I liked the sensation of the cool dense fabric brushing against my nude body. My skin erupted in gooseflesh. I’d rather die than have him know that. But I enjoyed it all the same, taking a deep inhale of the shoulder. 

I flung myself down on the bunk with a frustrated groan. Who’s idea of a cruel joke was to bind me to my mortal enemy? And to top it off, make him strong and  _ attractive _ ? My traitorous body was really the worst. This would be the death of me, I just knew it. His touch was unlike anything I’d ever known. Something so tender in him, something I couldn’t explain. 

This sliver of him he let me see, juxtaposed to his chosen identity. How did one reconcile that? He wrought pain and destruction, yet offered me safety and comfort. He rushed into my broken moments, and filled the voids in me. 

I laid there divided, just talking to myself. This week had been hell, but his voice shut out all the noise. I was so deeply and unshakably  _ relieved _ when he appeared. I couldn’t get him out of my system. I was shackled to this man by the Force. But why? Everything that had happened since we first met had surely pushed me in his direction. Was it fate? Was I really fighting against the inevitable? 

But still, I had folded so quickly. I hated how weak that made me feel. I couldn’t just give in, right? I wasn’t sure of much at the moment.

It felt as though I’d closed my eyes for only a few seconds, and when I opened them, I was in a strange room. I was alarmed, naturally. This was not where I was seconds ago. Was it seconds? Was this a vision? Another odd Force connection? 

I spun around, but the room, though huge, was completely void of life. A glossy, obsidian floor beneath my feet, and blood red tapestries covered the walls. An empty dais in the middle of the room. 

How strange. It seemed like there were objects that should fill the space.

“You’re wondering why you’re here.” A deep voice echoed through the chamber. 

I spun around wildly again, but still no one. I sensed the dark presence around me, as though I were being enveloped in it. 

“Who are you?” I asked, forcing a calm I didn’t truly feel. 

“Oh, I think you know.” There was a sultry lilt to his voice that gave me pause. 

I didn’t like that. Instinctually, I wished Ren was there. But, as soon as the thought came, I cursed it away. I didn’t need him, I was strong enough on my own. I didn’t need to be saved.

That unsettling voice chuckled darkly. 

“You’re Snoke, aren’t you?” 

He hummed an affirmation. 

“Aren’t you going to ask me ‘why?’ with righteous indignation?” He sounded genuinely curious.

“No. There’s no point in asking that of someone like you. You’re just evil, and you enjoy manipulating and hurting others. You enjoy watching the galaxy suffer. I know all I need to know.” 

His answering chuckle was dry this time, he didn’t sound amused. “I have the answer. To the question you still have.” 

I startled hard. 

I was cautious, better to play dumb I figured. 

“What question? I have many.” I said, my tone still firm. 

Suddenly, a violent push sent me flying face first into the floor. My face smacked against it, and though I reached up to wipe blood away, there was none to my surprise. 

However, the light reflecting off the obsidian moved, and that grabbed my attention. 

It was like the cave. 

The surface was changed, like a fogged glass. Again, two shadows moved on the other side, but I couldn’t make them out.

I couldn’t resist, Ren was right, it was my greatest weakness. 

“Show me.” I breathed, fixated on those shadows. 

But, as soon as it had come, it was gone. It was back to shiny obsidian again, much to my chagrin. I slammed my fist against the floor in frustration. 

“I won’t be toyed with by you!” I yelled, still looking for the voice I couldn’t see. 

“Come to me, child. I’ll show you what you seek.” It all turned to black, and my body jerked violently as though I was about to fall out of the bunk while asleep.

I was relieved, it was a dream, some strange trick my mind was playing on me. The room was so black, I could barely make out my hand. Was it this dark? I reached for a wall console to turn on a light, only to be met with cold, smooth durasteel. No console. 

A panic slinked it’s way down my spine. I was still in the sweater like when I must’ve fallen asleep, but these were not my sheets or blanket. They were too dark, and much too high quality. How the stars did I get here?! I sat up abruptly, crossing my arms in an act of self comfort at the vulnerability I felt. 

I was entirely nude to the exception of an absurdly large garment, in a bed that was not mine, in a ship that was most definitely not the  _ Falcon _ . I didn’t even have shoes! 

Then, dim light filtered over my shoulders onto the floor below me. I couldn’t see much more, but I turned around to assess the change introduced to my environment. A shade had risen from a window, the dim light was coming from the stars and planets outside. 

Then, I realized there was an outline of another human in the bed, tangled in the sheets. 

“Rey?” 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, I haven't written smut in years, so if it's terrible please give me some constructive feedback! Also, if you're a hardcore angsty lover, sorry lol. I promise this won't be one of those stories that is just gratuitous smut. SO, I hope this plays into the story in your mind the way I want it to, and that you enjoy the chapter.
> 
> If you're interested in my inspo music, this chapter was inspired by Bad Things by Machine Gun Kelly, Camila Cabello, Closer by Ne-Yo, and Ride by SoMo

_Supremacy_

I'd been churning over and over in my mind about my last encounter with Rey. Surely, these visions she kept having were of her dark nature trying to break through, and I'd be lying if I said that wasn't pleasing. But, there was a part of me that felt guilt over it. She was so distressed. She stirred very strong, protective instincts inside me. It upset me greatly to find her in such a state, even if it was oddly satisfying the way she clung to me. A tug of war inside myself, wanting her to fall into the darkness with me, but wanting to save her from it too. I had to quash that though, she'd never meet her potential caged in by the rules of the light side.

She had to be corrupted. That innocence in her would have to be lost. But, could I control how it happened? Something really struck me though. What she'd said when I told her she wasn't responsible for carrying the burden of Luke's death. " _I never… I didn't want this."_ It was an echo. An echo of a young Ben Solo, watching his uncle's temple burn, dead padawans surrounding him in the rubble. She couldn't have known. She'd never seen that particular memory, because I'd buried it so deep.

The steam started to build up in the fresher, drawing my attention back to the task at hand. I stepped into the shower, letting the hot water ease the tension in my shoulders. Corruption. How would I go about that? Where was her weak spot? _Me._ The beast echoed in the back of my mind. Hmm. Maybe there was something to that. The way she looked at me when she saw me unclothed. She was always bashful about it, but it was easy to tell she liked it. A thought to toy with. I finished washing and turned off the tap, reaching for my towel.

I felt too tired and apathetic to bother with clothing, ready for sleep to claim me from a weary day. I tossed the towel to the floor and fell onto the bed with a sigh, smacking the console on the far side with the Force to lower the viewport cover and plunge the room into pitch black. I was still too warm from the shower to bother much with blankets, just tossing the sheet over my waist and letting the drowsiness overcome my senses. "Kylo?" She's here again so soon? My eyes opened, but I wasn't in bed anymore.

I was in a dining room from all appearances, an opulent one at that. Coruscant? I looked down, appraising fine, black robes. Robes not intended for battle, nicer than anything I'd worn in many years. Then I remembered, Rey had called for me. "Rey?" I asked, looking around, but not seeing her. But then, she peered through the doorway, as though she'd been searching for me. "There you are. What are you doing? You haven't changed yet?" She walked in, and my eyes went wide.

Her hair was down, glimmering curls that had surely been let loose from some intricate updo. Her face freshly washed, and a black gossamer dressing gown lined with fur graced her skin. It was tied by a sash high on her waist, pushed open by a swollen belly. I couldn't hide my shock, I knew I must look like a fool. She laughed, "What? Why are you looking at me like that?" She glowed, radiantly happy. I closed my eyes and felt around us in the Force, I needed to know. What I suspected was true, she felt like a night sky. Powerful darkness enveloped her, but stars of light still gleaned through.

When I opened my eyes, I was back in my bed again, much to my disappointment. However, I felt a violent twitch to my right in the bed, and heard something palming along the wall. I didn't recall letting a droid in. Then, I felt a panic creep into my awareness, but I was still too drowsy to be so alert, and recognized it wasn't mine. Whatever it was, it jerked upward as I utilized the Force to retract the viewport cover. As the light filtered dimly across the bed, I noticed the feminine figure just arms length from me, a familiar silhouette. She turned toward me to look at the now opened viewport.

"Rey?" I asked, though I knew it was her. She startled, observing me silently. As my eyes adjusted, I noticed her state of dress. My own sheet was half up her thighs where she sat, a familiar black sweater pooled around her waist, her hair loose around her shoulders. It made my mind race back to the other Rey I just saw, and I felt blood rush to my groin in response. A mischievous thought came to mind. "I feel it in you, darkness. Why not surrender to it?" I said evenly, knowing how it provoked her. She'd be cross with me again, but I didn't care at the moment.

"No!" She retorted vehemently, very insulted, as I expected. I scoffed, and gave her a playful leer. "Would you like to feel my darkness? Feel it inside you?" Though my meaning was purposefully duplicitous, I could feel her trepidation. I reached out in the Force and invaded her mind abruptly, before she could throw up a defense. I showed her a sample of the things I imagined when I pleasured myself to thoughts of her. I was keen to hear her bumbling response, trying to convince me she didn't want it. The rise out of her would be prize enough.

_A glimpse of her, laid on her back across my desk, spreading her legs wide for me after a long day. My cock plunging into her tight, wet little pussy. Her perky little tits bouncing as I buried myself to the hilt over and over. Her cries and pleas as I filled every delicious inch of her, rubbing her little bud until she screamed in ecstasy. Her pussy fluttering and milking my swelling cock for every drop as I paint her insides with thick spurts of cum._

_Another of her against that very wall behind her now. Ripping her pants at the seam and pushing her underwear aside, swooping her up with my forearms under her knees, pinning her against the wall as I penetrate her. Her gasps of surprise and pleasure egging me on. Leaving love bites along her neck and collarbone, a reminder that she's mine for those little Resistance boys. My pelvis grinding into her, rubbing against her clit, her crying my name as she convulses with the intensity of her orgasm._

_But even then, I'm unrelenting, tossing her onto the bed and pushing her face down into the blankets with one hand while the other lines up my hungry cock with her entrance. Groaning in pleasure at the feel of sliding into her hot wet hole again. My hands are gripped tight to her waist, jerking her back onto my dick and her ass slapping against my hips with obscene noise. My tip pushing against that heavenly spot that makes her scream and beg me not to stop. I teeter at the edge, holding out for that sweet unraveling once more before plunging deep and filling her to the brim with my seed, that greedy little twat sucking it up as she pulsates around my cock._

When I pull back, I notice that she didn't try to fight out the invasion- she watched willingly. I could feel the arousal heavy around us, I could smell it. Was she not wearing anything under my sweater? Mmm. I liked that. Those hazel eyes appraising me darkened with lust. "You can just watch, if you prefer that." I murmured, pulling the sheet away and revealing my erection. Let her see it for real, up close. She didn't reply, but her eyes fixated on it. She swallowed thickly, licking her lips. How I'd love to feel them wrapped around it. I raised my hand to her, "Spit." I said firmly. Her eyes darted to mine, but she complied. Her breathing hitched as I moved the same hand to grip my cock, slowly sliding it up and down.

Her breaths became heavier as I stroked myself leisurely, her fingers twitched. She was trying not to fidget. "You can touch yourself too, if you want." Her eyes flicked to mine again, I could feel her nervousness and indecision, but the roiling lust was too persistent to be overcome. She slid herself under my blanket beside me, our shoulders nearly touching. I felt the urge to chuckle in amusement at her modesty, but I knew better than to embarrass her and scare her off. I could perceive movement underneath, and I took my time twisting my palm around my straining cock, wondering if her pussy would feel as good as I imagined it did.

I could feel her hips wriggling more, little whimpers she was trying not to let escape her, as she pleasured herself. Mmm. I liked that too. Her fingering a wet, tight little pussy, panting and watching me stroke myself thinking about it. She whined, finally speaking. "I need more." She breathed. "Anything, what do you need?" My eyes locked fiercely with her shy, bashful ones. "Touch me. Please." Words so soft, but full of need. How I had longed for them.

I turned on my side facing her, gently pulling away the blanket. Her fingers lay against her thigh, glistening. I grabbed her wrist, bringing her hand to my face, and those fingers into my mouth. Swirling my tongue around them, tasting her. Exquisite. I released her hand, noticing her legs rubbing together in apprehension. I leaned over her, kissing her neck, letting my hand wander now to the hem of the sweater, then pushing my hand up along her nude thigh toward her abdomen. She gasped as I palmed her breast, arching into my touch as I rolled the nipple between my fingers.

Pushing the sweater up to her neck, I leaned in and brushed the flat of my tongue across her peaked mound, eliciting a delicious noise. When I took it between my lips and sucked, I felt a hand bury in my hair and grip it tightly, and as I teased it with my teeth, a deep, throaty moan was my reward. She was down right squirming now, and I thought I'd best be kind in our first encounter if I hoped for another. I trailed wet kisses down her torso, my hand making the opposite approach, sliding up her inner thigh.

I shifted to linger over top of her, my other hand pinning her hip to the bed, as my other fingers ghosted over the wet folds of her womanhood. She whimpered and arched toward my hand, how wanton. I couldn't help the grin I knew was plastered on my face. I dragged my fingers downward more roughly, letting my thumb push between her lips against her clit, her body jerked and I circled it harshly. "Please." She whined, her lust hitting me like tidal waves at this point, the need written all over her face made my cock twitch. _Take her._ The beast growled.

No, I wouldn't force myself on her. Besides, I was looking forward to savoring the taste of her. I acquiesced and slipped a finger inside her, and Maker. She was indeed hot and tight, even more so than I'd dreamed. Once she relaxed, I slipped in the second, twisting and pumping them as she writhed and moaned, my thumb still pressing on her clit. She was close already, I could feel it. She wanted this, badly. "I want to taste you, can I?" I asked urgently, I wanted her to cum on my tongue. She bit her lip and nodded, I didn't hesitate.

I delved between her legs, sliding my hands down underneath her ass and gripping those firm little mounds, holding her in place. My tongue glided up across her opening until it landed at her clit, giving it a few good lashings, earning loud moans of approval and bunches of sheets gripped tightly in her fists. Alternated with thrusting my tongue inside her, she was quite undone. I relented though, pulling a hand free to rub her bud and finally toss her over the edge with my tongue savoring her insides. I looked up to appraise the beautiful sight of her face crying out in pleasure at the climax I delivered for her, searing it into my memory.

As her body relaxed, I climbed back upward to claim her lips in a soft kiss. When I pulled back, her expression was unreadable. Maybe coy? Mischievous? I gasped in surprised as I felt her hand wrap around my cock, and if I wasn't rock hard before, I sure as hell was now. Despite orgasm, her lust definitely hadn't quelled, I felt it singing to mine. "I need more." She said again, but this time, it was deliberately seductive and I knew it. "Anything. What do you need?" I asked again, my heart thumping erratically in excitement.

"I need to feel you inside me." She breathed, biting her lip again. Maker, what a minx. My eyes never left hers as I dipped my hips, using one hand to guide the tip of my dick to rub between her wet, waiting folds. The look on her face, fuck it was delicious. I kept teasing her, smacking the tip against her mound, watching her writhe in frustration. "Please." She groaned. "Please what?" I challenged. "Please fuck me." I thought my eyes might roll back in pleasure at actually hearing those words from her. _Oh, my love. Your wish is my command._

As I lined the tip of my cock up to her entrance, a rush of nervousness hit me. I realized it was from her, and with the bond between us blown wide open, I saw into her thoughts with ease. There was no one before me. _Only mine._ The beast cooed, he was thrilled. But the light in me urged me to be gentle, and so I was. I felt the resistance as I pushed in, her body trying to stretch and accommodate my size. Heard her gasp and hiss. Her blunt nails pressing into my biceps. And _fuck_ it felt so much better than I imagined. The beast would pile drive her into oblivion if I allowed it. I stayed still, determined to wait until she relaxed.

Her nails eased, and her lips sought mine, hungry and imploring. I slowly eased out, then in. She tensed at first, but as I repeated the action, she relaxed. On the third, I was rewarded with a moan, and I picked up the pace. Stars, I wanted to go deeper and deeper, it was so hard to contain myself. I buried my face in her neck, groaning as I thrust in again. I wasn't going to last long, her pussy was divine. I grabbed at her and pulled her with me as I rolled onto my back, teasing her nipples again before she sat upright, perched atop my dick. I pushed her knees further apart, moaning as I felt myself sink deeper inside her.

She bit her lip again as she started circling her hips slowly, one of her hands reaching back and bracing on my thigh. I reached up and pulled her bottom lip out with my thumb, dragging it down over her jaw. Sliding my hand down over her neck and collarbone, then palming her breast as she rode me. Maker, I wanted to fill her full of cum. As if she sensed my thought, she leaned forward for better leverage, bracing her hands on my shoulders. I gripped her hips tightly to meet her thrusts with my own.

Her tight, lithe, little body crying out in pleasure impaled with my cock was just too much, I was rocketing toward the edge with abandon now. Rey's voice cried out, "Tell me!" Pulling her hips crashing down into mine with fervor, "Tell you what?" I asked, my brows pulling together in confusion. Her lips crashed to mine in a searing kiss before pulling back to answer. "Tell me you're mine." She breathed, panting with effort. I thought my heart might surge from my chest at the possessiveness in her voice. "I'm yours Rey, forever." I murmured into her ear, holding her closely for a moment, then pushing her up again.

Her body shuddered, and I took control, pumping into her vigorously from below. "Oh, Rey!" I exclaimed, my body went taut as I climaxed, her hands grabbing my hair desperately as her walls clenched around me, crying out, "Ben!" as I'm spilling my seed inside her, her pussy drinking me in. It occurred to me vaguely that she had used my old name again, but I was entirely too pleased to correct her. How in all the stars had I gotten her to do that? I was still reeling on that question.

I sure as hell wasn't complaining, my imagination paled in comparison to the real thing. Was this real? Did however we appeared to each other count as real? I couldn't be sure. Actually, come to think of it, she responded to my surroundings when I had woken to find her. The blankets, the bed, maybe I could chalk that up to my body being tangled up in them. But the light from the viewport. She shouldn't have been able to see that. Wouldn't normally anyway. She seemed much more surprised than normal too.

She slid off of me, and rolled onto the bed beside me, pulling the blanket up again. As though she were staying, a very casual and comfortable gesture. How odd. Was I asleep again and hadn't noticed? Maker, I hoped sincerely that this wasn't a dream. So vivid. Please don't be a dream. She reached for me, and I turned on my side to pull her into my embrace. She nestled herself against my chest with a contented sigh. I didn't understand, but I wasn't going to ask. Some might complain I was mercurial in temperament, I'd certainly met my match.

I smoothed away some sweaty strands from her forehead, pressing a kiss to her brow. Her eyes were closed, but she smiled softly. She peered through her lashes at me drowsily and muttered one final word before drifting asleep, "Mine." I didn't know a word could shake me the way that one did. I'd been enormously flattered that she found the idea of possessing me sexually gratifying in the throes of passion, but this was more emotional. Almost as though she was assuring herself, almost as though I was something worth possessing.

She'd be mine, I'd seen it, twice now. I didn't know why it was so hard for my heart to accept the reality laying in my arms. Maybe something deep down inside me would always feel unworthy. I'd been made to feel unworthy all my life, maybe I'd never be able to shake that. No matter what mood of hers awaited me tomorrow, no matter what softness or cruelty, I'd never stop fighting for her. That vision of her, I'd have it by any means necessary. I only lamented that the path ahead was full of strife and difficulty to get there, I could feel that truth in my bones.

Though she laid in my arms happily tonight, perhaps my heart was reluctant because it knew this wasn't a happy ending. It knew a story of twist and turns unknown waited ahead. Though this was a leap forward, lust and possessiveness were strong pulls into the darkness, I knew her far too well to believe she'd turn so easily. This was only a reprieve to stoke the fire between us. But I had no doubts we'd come to the end together, and I would stay this path resolutely.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, still a wreck about the last chapter lol. But, if you're still reading this, thanks! It's been a tough few weeks for me emotionally, I know I've been dragging my heels getting the plot line rolling, we're going to start on down the track. I really hope y'all enjoy it!

_ Ahch-To _

I woke from a deep sleep feeling more rested than I had...ever that I could remember. A blush bloomed across my cheeks as I recalled the vivid dreams, particularly the latter of the two. I wondered quietly if his room really looked similar to my imagination, and amusedly, if sleeping nude was ever a habit of his. 

The things my mind would come up with, honestly. I needed to shake those inappropriate thoughts and focus. I needed to make a decision soon, Chewie was getting antsy about sitting around here. 

I got myself up and headed for the fresher. I must’ve gotten too hot in my sleep, I felt sticky and sweaty. Strange though, because it was so cold. My legs and core felt oddly sore, and I tried to think back, but it must’ve been from training more rigorously than I’d realized. I shook it off and stepped into the shower.

I stood under the falling water, missing already the scent his sweater had left behind on my skin. My mind lingered still, the way he looked at me, awe and desire tinging his features…The way his lips moved against mine- so deliberate, but ravenous. 

I blushed again at the thought of how bold I’d been. I’d never been with a man to have any real idea what I was doing, even in my imagination, but I’d seen some holofilms on the holonet that depicted sexual scenarios. But I’d known those were fiction and not how couples really were. 

Shit. How was I even remotely referring to me and Ren as a couple?! As I washed myself, I couldn’t help but feel like something was… different. I couldn’t put my finger on it, and I couldn’t stop circling back to the thought. My lady parts were wet, but then again, after such an intense dream, I expected that. Just not quite...that much. 

A shattering realization started prickling it’s way across the back of my skull. I’d never felt sore like  _ this _ . Ever. Upon further inspection, some of that...fluid, was definitely not mine. I was only vaguely aware of the water pattering down on me as I jerkily slid down the wall of the shower in shock, collapsing into a pile on the floor.. I felt like the air had been sucked out of the room, my breathing was labored and haggard. Despite the heat of the steam in the air, I shook violently with chill. 

Then that meant...and if that was real...that conversation with Snoke was real too... 

My cheeks burned hotter than any day I could remember under a beating sun. Oh, my traitorous body had indeed gotten the best of me this time. And I was quietly furious with myself for letting my desire bowl me over. I’d chided myself over and over- he was my enemy! Why did I give in at every turn despite my own intentions? I’d absolutely had no plans on a tryst with him, but I’d just gone right along with it because I’d naively convinced myself it wasn’t real. I’d never been dropped into his surroundings before, how could I have known that was actually his room? 

In the safety of a dream, it had been so appealing… I scoffed a little at thinking my own imagination would supply his version of  _ dirty talk _ . I should’ve known that was much too specific and graphic for a virgin to come up with, even in her subconscious. I felt so stupid. How in the hell was I going to face him after this? How would he react? How tenderly he held me afterward, how happy and safe I felt. It made me enormously guilty. 

I groaned again remembering another thing I’d let slip. Being so possessive was probably one of my worst vices I tried to bury. But I’d tossed it right out for him to see. 

If a rancor could just swallow me whole right then. That would be preferable. 

_ Mine.  _ My insides clenched at the thought. I lost my breath again when his face flashed before mine, his expression before he leaned forward and replied so passionately, a husky voice against my ear,  _ “I’m yours, Rey. Forever.”  _ He liked the idea of me possessing him, and very willingly fed into that specific desire. 

My heart pounded loudly against my ribcage and my head started to throb with the beginnings of a headache. I hoisted myself back up to finish cleaning myself and get out before the water went cold on me, trying to shake off the oppressive thoughts. 

I knew this would only fuel him further, trying to turn me. I couldn’t contain my dread and frustration at that thought. But, maybe this could be turned into leverage to pull him somewhere in the middle with me. There had to be a way that didn’t end with one or both of us dead. I couldn’t bear the thought of him dead, if I was really honest with myself. 

I slowly toweled off and dressed, then started a series of stretches trying to relieve the deep  _ ache _ I was left with throughout my body.

The air was dense and heavy all of a sudden, an inexplicable weight settling on my bones that fixed me to the spot and sent my lungs heaving, struggling against the perceived external force. Suddenly, that familiar vacuum sensation. So soon? 

All sound stopped around me, I sensed my intruder behind me. I felt his energy envelop my own in a familiar gesture. Against my better judgement, I couldn’t help but sink into the feeling. It was safety; feeling the surge of our powers intertwining with each other. It was heady; a feeling like nobody could harm me.

But it was a difficult feeling. This was a safe haven I feared somewhere inside. And not just because of who he was. I felt hollow when he was gone, and afraid when I was with him. Afraid of my own feelings, terrified that I wanted more. What did that say about me? Jedi were forbidden from attachments, and I felt I was already too dangerously far past that line. I didn’t even know how to love someone. How would I know how to be loved? 

Kriff, I was already on about love... But we fit like a key to a lock, and it terrified me.

My insides twisted in knots, I heard a sharp intake of breath behind me. He was surprised to see me so soon too, I guessed. A silence that felt long stretched between us, but neither seemed to be willing to break the spell. The Force hummed in harmony around us, the bond between us felt as though it was thrumming in contentment. 

He finally spoke, his voice low, slinking down my spine. “Were you thinking of me?” 

I dared to turn and meet his gaze, and found a pleased, possibly playful expression on his face. I couldn’t fight the blush blooming across my face, so I turned away abruptly to face the wall. 

“I thought it was a dream.” I replied quietly. 

I heard his steps, heavy boots bearing down the distance between us as he moved toward me. 

“But, in a dream, you were willing?” 

It felt like an electric current reverberated between us, and in such close proximity it morphed into a voltaic arc that blinded us both to all reason. Flashes of him beneath me appeared in my mind, those intoxicatingly dark eyes drinking me in, his broad porcelain chest tensed under my fingertips, the labored sounds of pleasure that dripped from his lips. I took in a shaky breath as his energy crackled in my space.

Only a second later, his arms rose to touch the wall on either side of my face, caging my body between him and the wall. 

I hadn’t answered. 

My heart was thumping wildly again with his proximity, it was hard to think with his scent overriding my senses. His gloved hand pushed under my shirt and glided up, pushing my shirt up as he went. My belly coiled in awful desire, I could feel the heat building between my legs. My body was willing even when I knew I was awake. But I knew I shouldn’t want him, that we shouldn’t do this. 

Damn him.

He leaned over, flicking his tongue across the soft skin of my neck, taking it in his mouth and sucking it, my hand reflexively gripping his tunic at his waist behind me and I whimpered in unwitting encouragement. 

He grabbed my hips and twisted me around to face him. My entire body felt like kindling screaming to be burned up in his fire. 

He looked up at me hungrily, and  _ Maker _ , I was hungry too. 

I’d never been with anyone before. Now that I knew it felt like this, I understood why people acted like such madmen. The possessiveness inside me was unfettered, and it frightened, yet excited me.

He gripped the back of my thighs, pulling them up and toward him then hooking them over his hips, causing me to grip his shoulders in effort to maintain my balance and not keel over. My ankles instinctually locked behind him, and I was now very aware of his straining erection now pressed against my wet, hot center through our clothing. 

A shiver of pleasure ripped through me, and he grinned at the little gasp. He took both my hands and pinned them above me with one large hand over my wrists. His eyes raked over me like a predator about to devour his kill.

I could fight it, I could stop it. He wasn’t going to force me, I knew that somewhere deep down. 

But my brain felt numb, how I wanted his pleasure, how I wanted him to undo me. My body trembled, in acute desire for that sweet ecstasy again. 

But my better sense tried to break through the fog, “We can’t do this.” I finally panted, my rational side was hanging by a thread, but screaming at me to stop this. 

“Oh but we can... Your body is crying for attention.” His mouth was hot and tempting on my neck and trailing down my collarbone, releasing my wrists.

“No, wait-“ I feebly pushed against his broad chest, I wasn’t even convincing myself in my resistance. 

“I’ll only do what you want.” He breathed against my sternum, stepping back from the wall and bracing my lower back with a gloved hand against my hot skin to arch my body toward his face as he craned over my smaller form. 

“I don’t want this.” I said with a forcefulness I didn’t really feel. 

“Don’t disrespect me with lies.” His face lifted from my chest and the eyes that met mine weren’t angry, but they smoldered with intensity, fixed and unyielding. 

“Not like this.” I muttered. 

His posture relaxed slightly, pulling my body upright against his and hiding his face in the crook of my neck, “Why?” He groaned.

“It’s not real.” I breathed, praying he’d relent, because I wasn’t sure I could gather the strength to repel him. 

“It feels real.” He muttered petulantly, sucking the skin beneath his lips and gripping my waist under my shirt with his gloved fingers, pressing my hips into his. 

I struggled to bite back a moan, and he pulled his face back, a smirk teasing at his lips. His eyes glittered with mirth, and I tried desperately to hang on to my resolve. 

“But it’s not.” 

His eyes softened with disappointment, but I was relieved when he released me gently with a frustrated huff. Yet, confusingly, my body ached at the loss of his. 

When he stepped back, without thought, I stepped right back into his space. His hands reflexively landed on my waist. 

As the fog of lust started to dissipate, his expression was cautiously optimistic. There was so much light trying to shine through him in that moment, fears of my own swelling darkness were forgotten in a sweeping moment of vulnerability we basked in together.

I reached out and cupped his cheek in a tender gesture, he closed his eyes and leaned into it trustingly. When he opened them again a second later, there was so much emotion brimming in those chocolate eyes. 

His mental barriers were curiously still up, I wondered what I’d feel if they weren’t. I wished I could pick at them and tear them down. His feelings were chaos, but I’d brave any storm with him if I could pull him out with me on the other side. 

I’m not sure what compelled me to admit it, but it tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop it. 

“We’ll be together, I’ve seen it.” I said softly, petting his cheek with my thumb. 

The edges of his lips pulled up, “I know.” 

The immense aching and longing in his face took my breath away. I smiled back for a second, before lifting myself onto my toes and pressing my lips to his. His hands at my sides clenched tightly at my robes, pulling me flush against him. His tongue gilded against my lower lip, and I knew what he wanted, but I didn’t give in and pulled away. He was clearly reluctant to end the kiss. 

There was a loud knocking at my door, Chewie must’ve needed something. 

I disengaged him and went to the panel, only looking away for a moment to hover my finger over the button to open it. 

But as it often happened, when I turned back to look at him, he was gone. 

I didn’t know that I would never get used to the feeling of emptiness when he disappeared, my heart clenched in an uncomfortable way. Every time our bond severed, the outside world became further and further away, and I found myself waiting to see him again, those stolen moments becoming so defining and etching into my soul. 

If I could escape it, did I want to?

I sighed and opened the door. As I expected earlier, Chewie was antsy to leave and asked what we were to do now. 

It was then that a reckless and crazy endeavour burst into my mind. Chewie didn’t like it at all, but he knew I was too stubborn to be deterred when I’d decided something. He relented and went to prepare the  _ Falcon _ for takeoff. Meanwhile, I prepared myself for perhaps my most difficult mission to date. 

To finally bring Ben Solo home. 

The walls were down, I saw it. There would be no more perfect moment, I had to do this now. 

I was jittery with anticipation and anxiety. Going to him, it was a massive risk. But, I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. And that dream about Snoke... I needed to confront him about what he knew too. Best to just kill two birds with one stone. 

I ran a brush absentmindedly through my hair again, then laughed to myself at the absurdity of it. He’d just seen me, and clearly liked what he saw, why the stars was I fretting over my hair? 

It wasn’t long before Chewie had us in position to send me out to the  _ Supremacy _ . 

We reviewed the plan briefly, then he sealed me into the pod, albeit a bit reluctantly. My stomach lurched as I felt the pod launched out into the open space between the  _ Falcon _ and the  _ Supremacy _ . 

I felt when the tractor beam locked onto me, and I could feel Ren watching, his emotions were wild. Excitement, apprehension, pride, possessiveness, lust, joy. He knew I was coming for him, and he was nothing short of thrilled about it. 

I smiled to myself, Leia would be so happy- but that line of thought was harshly severed by  _ her  _ voice. 

_ “If she forgives him for killing his father, maybe she’ll forgive you for killing her twin, hmm?”  _ She taunted. 

I’d been doing good, I’d almost forgotten  _ her _ . But fortunately, something about Ren’s proximity prevented her from fully taking hold and manifesting. 

The pod came to a halt, settling in a hangar. I waited in near exaltation to see his face. I knew he would be here to meet me, and as the cover release hissed and pulled away, there he was. 

A subtle smile, no doubt due to our audience, but it was there. He extended his right hand, and I gripped it, rising out of the pod gracefully with his assistance. 

“I’ll hand this personally.” He only turned his eyes toward the squad of stormtroopers, who promptly obeyed and left.

“I need to see Snoke.” I managed firmly. 

He nodded slightly, his eyes inscrutable. “Yes, you do. Come.” 

He inclined his head toward the far side of the hangar, and turned to begin walking that way. I felt the stares beating down on me, and I was tempted to look, but I followed Ren’s example, a straight back and upturned chin. I saw him peek at me out of the corner of his eye, and I struggled not to smile. 

When the doors to the turbolift closed, all composure was lost, and we were a mess of tangled limbs and a battle of lips ensued. I was pressed against the wall, his hands buried in my hair and his lips searing hot against mine.

We pulled apart panting for breath, and I broke the silence first. 

“I just need to find out who my parents are. He knows. Then we can get out of here.” I blurted excitedly. 

His face fell, his brows furrowing together. “What do you mean get out of here?” 

I faltered, a creeping dread pitting in my stomach. “We’ll defeat Snoke, I’ll help you. Then we’ll escape together.” I replied passionately, resting a hand over his bicep, looking up into his eyes imploringly.

He sighed, turning his head away from me with a dejected expression and releasing me, creating distance between us.

My confusion grew, and that nagging dread with it. Had I really missed the mark completely? I was so sure…

”You were supposed to turn and be with me.” He muttered miserably, avoiding my eyes. 

I sought his eyes, moving toward him and turning my body. 

“How could I? Ben, you know me, I would never. And I feel the conflict so strong within you. You’re meant to come with me, leave all this pain behind.” 

His hands balled into fists and his jaw twitched. 

“Who are you trying to convince? I have seen your destiny, Rey!” He yelled in frustration. 

His voice was forceful and harsh, but his eyes were somehow pleading. 

My mouth opened, but nothing came out. 

I didn’t know what to say, my heart was hurting and it took my breath away. I was so stupid. How could I be this stupid? I was one of those madmen. I was chasing something that could never be, something I never should’ve chased to begin with. 

He turned away again, heaving a deep breath and calming himself. His fists relaxed, his jaw eased. When he faced me again, he was composed, eyes cold. 

“I know when the time comes, you’ll be the one to turn, Rey.”

The doors behind me opened, and I turned with trepidation to find the hauntingly red room from my dream. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some events will be pretty brief in Kylo’s perspective, but more detailed in Rey’s (trying to avoid repetitiveness, and y’all have all seen TLJ let’s be honest- you know what happened in the throne room). 
> 
> WARNING: There will be some melodramatics, but no actual suicidal thoughts (it’s all metaphorical). However, if that is a trigger for you, use caution.
> 
> If you like, here are my inspo songs for this chapter-  
> All The Same- Sick Puppies  
> Breaking Me- Topic, A7S  
> Spotlight- Marshmello, Lil Peep

_ Steadfast _

I was at her mercy, her proclaimed enemy, her endless disappointment. Yet, she left me alive. 

_ She left me. _

I felt an uncomfortably sharp pang in my chest at the thought. I unclenched my jaw, pushing the sweaty hair back from my face. 

It was midway through the night cycle, I was frustrated I couldn’t sleep without dreaming of her. Reliving that pain over and over. I tried to find it in me to be angry, that would be easier. Why couldn’t I just hate her? 

_ Because you need her.  _

Those words resonated deep inside me. 

I felt so confused and betrayed. She wanted to take my hand. My fist balled tightly. Why did she leave? She wanted to join me, why didn’t she? To have this connection, to know her feelings, know her past and our future, but for it to still end that way. Why? I didn’t know how to cope with all those convoluted emotions twisting and knotting inside me. 

I grunted in irritation, burying my face in my hands as those unwelcome images were waiting there on the edge of my consciousness to assault me again.

_ Snoke taking her saber, sitting it beside him on his throne. Her desperate attempts to fight back, even taking my own saber. Her failure. Her face as he tortured her, her scream. Her pain and panic, a bright roar in the Force that overwhelmed all else- even the dark presence of Snoke.  _

_ He could break my soul, take my life away, beat me, hurt me, but not  _ **_her_ ** _.  _

_ His proud speech, unknowing it would be his last. His arrogance to presume I would strike her down. Instead, turning her saber and hacking him in two.  _

_ Fighting the guards. The way her spirit soared, her eyes gleamed with surprise and hope for just a moment before it began. How powerful she felt, how powerful I felt, battling together perfectly in tune, a glorious symphony of violence. Somehow, feeding and drawing on each other. I marveled at it with excitement and hunger.  _

_ Her back against mine, her hand gripping my thigh for balance. Being distracted, worrying for her. But she was strong. I was proud of her. The calmness, the overwhelming sense of purpose I felt for the first time in my life. I knew what needed to be done, finally.  _

_ And I knew how to do it.  _

_ Together. _

_ I beseeched her, but instead she cried for the rebels. I could feel her conflict and her heartbreak. I asked her to join me, teetering a fine line of outright begging. She wanted it, she wanted what I was offering her. I could feel it. I could feel the thought as it worked through her mind, her hand reaching for mine, her anticipating the feel of the leather of my gloves.  _

_ I would exalt her, give her everything she’d ever wanted, everything she  _ **_deserved_ ** _ and had been denied. But, against even her own mind, I only felt her pull my grandfather’s saber from my other hand. I was confused and hurt, I wouldn’t let her just take it.  _

_ Not another fight.  _

**_Please..._ ** __

_ It broke. _

When I woke she was gone, but instead Hux was there. 

As if things weren’t bad enough, I had to bear him on top of it. 

The remainder of the Resistance was fleeing to the mineral planet, Crait. As the thought crossed my mind to decimate them, to ease the flurry of hurt, rejection, and self-loathing surging through my veins, I heard her voice as though she were standing right behind me. __

_ “Please... let us go.” _ Her voice was strangled and quiet, a brief concern she was injured skipped through my mind. 

Then, it occurred to me that she was upset. As if she had any right. 

She  **left** me. 

She made that choice. 

Why didn’t she stay? I wanted her to share my hurt.

She escaped while I was unconscious, but didn’t take the opportunity to end me. I scoffed to myself. Another foolish sentimental decision. If I was truly her enemy, she’d made quite an error. I could destroy anything left that had ever meant anything at all to her. 

But, I just couldn’t grasp that rage I’d grown comfortable cloaking myself in. Her goodness made her deny me, my lack of it, and it left a scathing inadequacy in the pit of my stomach. 

A coolness, a bone deep tiredness, washed over me. 

I didn’t respond to her. I ordered Hux to leave them to die, there were maybe a couple dozen of them left, it wasn’t worth the effort. They were done. Just finish evacuating.

Normally rage spurred me on, swallowing everything around it as fuel for the fire until it was a wild inferno. But she was a sopping wet blanket, smothering the flames and leaving only pitiful embers in its place. 

My Knights were on their way, and I was due to be announced as Supreme Leader to the entirety of the First Order come the day cycle. I had to pull it together and try to get some actual rest. I needed to look powerful and in control, no weakness. 

There was nothing to be done about Rey right now, and I needed to get my mind on anything else.

Two months of excruciating silence had passed. 

I hadn’t worked up the courage to try to open the connection on purpose, and I was confused why it hadn’t opened on its own after such frequent episodes before. I didn’t believe Snoke, the moment I heard her voice in my mind as they fled to Crait. If this connection existed because of him and to serve his ends, it wouldn’t continue after his death. My late Master had not been the omnipotent ruler I previously thought him to be. 

As to my visions, I felt less confident that those weren’t manipulated... But, I still felt Rey could come around. I had to trust my path, and it would be revealed. There had to be a reason I felt this way, a reason for all that had happened, right?

I’d been furiously scouring planets and plucking out dissidance after the announcement of the demise of Snoke and my taking the mantle. Trying to numb myself. I’d just arrived back on the  _ Steadfast _ filthy and exhausted. I wasted no time making for my quarters, and was caught off guard entirely by what I found when my previously locked door slid open at my command. 

It felt disarmingly domestic, never had I experienced such in my life. 

There she was. It was acute pain and relief all at once, and I was frozen to the spot in the entryway. I’d wanted to see her, so much more than I would consciously admit. 

She slept peacefully, I could see the steady rise and fall of her chest through her shoulders. She faced away from me; her brunette locks fanned out over my pillow, my thick duvet bunched under her arms. 

I did eventually approach, but I remained silent and determined not to disturb her. I didn’t know what to say anyway. It was best to just enjoy this quiet, stolen moment of peace. I could imagine she had fallen asleep faithfully waiting for me. 

Reality was bitter on my tongue though, it burned in my chest. I drew in a trembling breath, but it didn’t help.

I shook my head and sighed at my own foolishness, quietly beginning to shed my clothes as she continued to sleep unaware in my bed. 

I chided myself for letting my feelings carry me away constantly. I’d opened myself to her, pleaded with her. And pleading was not in my nature. But I did for her. I saved her life, killed my Master for her, and offered her the chance to change the galaxy by my side. I had seen that future, seen her past, and it was… everything. 

It was whole. It was  _ real. _ I naively thought that I could take what I wanted. But there was no way to _ take _ that. Everything I’d ever been missing. A family, a belonging, a home. 

Another day passed, filled with the neverending tedium of bickering among the Supreme Council. 

The day cycle was unfortunately not yet over, and I retreated to my quarters to review several datapads built up while I was away that required my attention. With a frustrated huff, I dropped into my desk chair. I had hardly finished the third when I heard the room suddenly become devoid of sound, and eerie stillness and quietness I knew meant only one thing. The connection was opening. 

I stood abruptly, searching for her, I knew she was here. As I glanced into the lounge area, there she was. 

But she wasn’t alone. 

My blood felt hot at the realization, further burning to see her on her knees in someone’s arms. Her face buried in their chest, hands clutching at the person’s clothing. 

For some odd reason, it was like trying to look through water, I couldn’t see the person’s face. But, what little I could make out led me to the conclusion it was a male holding her. And I did not like that. 

She had to know I was here, why would she not look at me? Why wouldn’t she disengage him? 

“Who is that?” I asked disdainfully, trying not to let my jealousy show, but not succeeding. 

Suddenly, her head whipped toward me, her eyes wide, fearful. She’d been crying again, I could see the wetness on her cheeks.

My brows drew together in confusion. 

“What’s wrong?” I questioned, despite her lack of answer to my last.

She’d been long since past fearing me. What was she afraid of? Me seeing her with him? Now I very intensely wanted to make out his face, infuriated that she was seeking someone else for comfort when she was distraught. 

Her eyes squeezed shut tightly, and I felt the connection suddenly wobbling. She was disrupting it? Why? 

“Rey, sto-” before I could even finish, she was gone in a blink of an eye. 

A prickling cold sensation ripped through me from my stomach to the back of my skull. 

Another rejection. 

She’d never ended the connection before, I don’t think she knew how before. 

My mother. 

I was sure she’d turned to her to try to complete her training. Dread pooled in my belly, had she told my mother about us? This was private. Only for us. Just how deep did her betrayal go? 

I was determined to break through to her, I had an unreasonable need to show her I was there for her. That I was the right one, not whoever that strange man was. I knew her, I could give her everything. I knew about her darkness, I accepted her. He never could. None of those Resistance insects could. They were small, feeble minded, afraid. She could never thrive, never truly be herself or become all she could be with such limited people.

I tried over and over, but she’d completely blocked me out. I wasn’t entirely sure how to trigger the connection, but I was reaching out with everything, and I could feel her. Somehow, I could feel my energy brush up against hers, but it was forcefully rebuked every time. 

I growled in frustration. I wasn’t going to give up. 

My persistence was eventually rewarded. After several hours, I finally got through. 

I felt the whooshing in my ears, her surprise as I appeared in a small, cramped room with sparse furnishings only feet from her. I felt her surprise melt into a murky puddle of anger, frustration, loneliness, and want.

The beast in me was pleased with that. She may have tried to turn elsewhere, and she might still be fighting against me, but deep down she wanted me. 

“Why did you shut me out?” I demanded evenly. 

“I don’t want to see or talk to you.” She replied coldly, her eyes sharp as blades. 

I ignored it. 

“Was it that dark woman again?” 

That visage wouldn’t leave her alone, tormented her. I was the only one who knew. She was quiet for a long moment. 

“Why do you keep on insisting like this?” She muttered, refusing to meet my gaze. 

“Because I know you. The real you. They don’t.” I replied fervently, closing the distance between us. 

My index finger hooked under her chin, lifting her face toward mine. Her eyes finally met mine reluctantly, large and fearful again. 

_ No, not so soon! _ I felt the connection starting to wane suddenly, and I hurried to continue before she was ripped away from me again. 

“I see what’s inside you. And I am the only one who would not fear what you are destined to become.” 

I saw her mouth open, but heard no reply, as she vanished. 

It was too short, her guard was down and I felt on the verge of something intangible, but this damned connection had a mind of it’s own. 

I returned to my desk, slamming my fist angrily into it. But I deflated, slumping into the chair and leaning back, running a gloved hand through my hair with a sigh.

Almost a full day of silence passed, her wall was strong and unrelenting, and I had other matters to handle. 

Among them, the arrival of a new prototype TIE/wi modified interceptor, or  _ Whisper _ , I had ordered built at my specifications and would now push it’s limits and record flight data for Sienar-Jaemus Fleet Systems. It had increased speed, range, and firepower. The brief bit of time I had to put it through its paces was promising, and I was eager to become more acquainted with it. 

But the night cycle was finally upon us, and I ate dinner quietly in my quarters as I continued looking over an endless stack of datapads.

There was something...off. A strange feeling, almost like something was crawling under my skin. Something warped, putting everything off kilter. 

I wrote it off ultimately as exhaustion catching up to me, hours of physical training, meetings, flight tests, and now consuming report after report. My brain must’ve been protesting for rest, that was the logical conclusion. 

I showered, then pulled on some underwear and a shirt. I sat down on the edge of my bed and worked at my wet hair with a towel, when the connection suddenly decided to open again unbidden. 

My heart raced, had she initiated it? She wanted to see me now? 

I was filled with hope as my eyes scanned, looking for her. I was dropped into her surroundings again, the same cramped room as before. It was dark, but there was a light on in a small adjoining fresher. 

She was there, almost nude, appraising herself in the mirror. I couldn’t help the way my eyes raked over her body, nothing but underwear and her chest bindings interrupting the view. I felt the heat rise in my cheeks, and blood rush to my groin in response. 

I approached her slowly. 

Her tanned skin had a light sheen of sweat, her face flushed. Her lips parted in surprise as her gaze locked on me in the mirror. 

Her response was unexpectedly violent, and distressed. 

She spun around and screamed at me tearfully, “ _ Dammit ! _ Get OUT!!” 

I felt the connection wane and strangle, but she didn’t escape again before I saw the bruised mark on her neck. 

I was stunned, struck bone still to the spot. The connection slammed shut abruptly.

My mind was unforgiving, filling in blanks with my imagination that were better left empty. Flashes of another man's hands caressing her skin, lips on her neck. Another man eliciting wanton noises from her. Another man pleasuring her. Possessing her. 

The idea she might want him was caustic, eating me apart. My insides twisted and contorted, I suddenly felt ill. 

She was with  _ another man _ . 

His mark was there on the side of her neck, she didn’t even try to hide it. Dark and clear and practically screaming at me. I had no idea what my face must look like, I couldn’t hide my shock if I tried at that moment. 

I knew my mouth hung open, unable to utter a word, trying to process what I had seen. Hurt and confusion churned through me like a tempest. The delicate control I’d had a tenuous hold on crumbled like a pierced hull in the pressure of deep space. The walls groaned and creaked loudly around me, my emotions vibrating out through the Force wildly, but I paid it no mind. 

“HOW COULD YOU-” the wail came surging from me, unbridled in fury and betrayal as fist connected with a durasteel wall, “DO THIS TO ME.” 

My eyes blurred, hot liquid pooling in them.

I doubled over in what felt like physical pain searing through my gut, doubling my arms across my waist as I glared at the floor, gasping and trembling as a sob wracked through me. The next word to rip from my chest was much less intelligible- more the cry of a wounded animal. I barely recognized the guttural sound as mine. 

I could taste the saltiness of the liquid rolling over my lips. A dam that had held strong now burst, a gushing torrent pouring out of my soul and drowning everything. 

I collapsed to my knees and hands, tears like beads glistening on the floor below me for a moment before I shifted onto my side and settled with my back laid on the floor. 

My heart was quivering violently in my chest, like it might just stop entirely. I’d give anything to make this feeling go away. 

Cut open my chest and carve it out, I wouldn’t care. Just make it stop. 

I closed my eyes. I imagined her as I first met her on Starkiller, achingly beautiful and ferocious, poised above me as I lay wounded and bleeding. A reverse grip on her saber as its blade pointed downward at me menacingly. I then imagined the sweet relief of death as she plunged it through my heart and ended my misery permanently. 

I couldn’t be sure how long I laid there. 

What I do know is that I couldn’t bear the feelings anymore, and sought drink. While not a normal vice of mine, I typically abstained completely, I wanted anything that might numb me. I’d kept a couple bottles of Chandrilan raava, and I figured that would do well enough. 

When I woke in the morning, I didn’t remember what happened after pounding back as much as I could tolerate as quickly as possible. But I discerned quickly upon waking on the cold floor of my fresher that I’d knocked over nearly everything not bolted to the floor or walls. Datapads, clothing, bedding, a couple plates, even random toiletries were strewn all over, some looked deliberately thrown. Cracked screens on several of those pads served as evidence to the latter. 

I groaned and cradled my pounding head between my knees. 

I couldn’t be sure what time it was from where I sat, but the intensity of the lights suggested it was within the day cycle already. The fact nobody appeared to have come looking for me yet bode well at least, but surely I had another jammed day I was running behind on already. I had to tamp down the feelings that led me to completely unravel last night, I had to force myself to function.

I was frustrated that I couldn’t stop needing her, no matter how she hurt me. 

And she **_hurt_ ** me. 

More deeply than I ever imagined she could. To feel so entirely rejected and replaced was an immeasurably heavy weight around my shoulders. Not only had she locked me out, there was another man. 

The thought brought bile to my throat, and made my mind race wildly. An impulsive and insatiable need to reclaim her pounded in my veins,  _ Mine. MINE. _ The beast rattled the walls of my composure, doing nothing to calm the whirlpool of my emotions. 

But yet, I still couldn’t hate her. 

She had spurred the resolve within me to do what had to be done. She gave me purpose, yet tormented me endlessly. 

No matter how I tried to purge her from my thoughts, as soon as I had an idle moment, she barged right back in. 

I’d get through the day, then find an excuse to be away again. I had to find a way to dam the hemorrhaging of emotions. Violence. I needed violence. I needed exertion and adrenaline. I needed to display my power and dominance. It would quelch the burning, consuming inadequacy tearing through me. It would numb the pain and make me feel in control again. 

Then maybe with cooler blood, I could figure out what to do. Because I definitely would not let this affront lie.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so due to the length of everything I want to cover here in Rey’s POV, I’m actually going to split this in two parts. Writing parallel chapters was an interesting challenge for sure, and my muse was pretty stubborn about churning this chapter out, despite the outline being done. Sorry if you hate Damerey with a burning passion, but it’s been in the tags since the beginning, so you’ve been warned! Reylo is still the end game, and Damerey will be brief overall. There is a method to my madness.
> 
> The next part is the heavy hitter, but this part is necessary. 
> 
> Here’s my inspo songs for both parts:  
> Everything i wanted- Billie Eilish  
> Control- Halsey  
> Treacherous- Taylor Swift  
> Lay It All on Me- Rudimental, Ed Sheeran

_ Ajan Kloss _

I don’t know what I expected. 

Well... I guess that’s a lie. I know what I expected. 

I just cannot fathom why. Why I let myself be so foolish and carried away. I guess Snoke had thought Kylo Ren wouldn’t be strong enough bait, so his dream was just a failsafe to get me onto the  _ Supremacy _ , but it seemed he severely underestimated his apprentice. 

There was only one positive in all of it, that Snoke was dead. 

His promise to tell me who my parents were, unfulfilled. He lied. I don’t think he even knew.

At first, I’d been bereft upon arrival on Crait. But, there wasn’t much time to dwell on any of it. Ren didn’t respond to my plea, and the Resistance was keen to regroup and find a new hiding spot as quickly as possible before the First Order decided to polish us all off. Leia corralled everyone onto the  _ Falcon _ as soon as Chewie arrived. 

Leia had apparently been comatose until not long before, and it was Vice Admiral Holdo who had smashed the  _ Supremacy _ apart while I was on board in a desperate maneuver to save the fleeing transports. 

Of course, I had found that out from a new friend, Poe, while Finn was deeply invested in the care of a girl I came to discover was named Rose. 

Finn was terribly relieved that I was safe, but otherwise couldn’t be bothered much with me while Rose was recovering. I hated how bitter I felt about it, how lonely it made me. Awful feelings enveloped my heart in those moments. My only consolation was Poe, who tried to keep lighthearted conversation. But still, my mind only wandered back to the throne room incident. 

We had shared a profound longing, honesty, and heartbreak. There was no hatred, no malice, no manipulation. There was only two people who’d come to realize how deeply they cared for each other. And the crushing disappointment that neither of us wanted to be what the other wanted them to be in that moment. A line drawn between us, that I was now painfully realizing would probably never be crossed.

_ I had woken before him, and took a moment to quietly look around at what all we’d destroyed before standing and approaching his defenseless form.  _

_ I could’ve struck him down, it would’ve been easy. But the Force wasn’t done with him, I knew that somewhere deep inside.  _

_ His life was mine to take in that moment, but I couldn’t bear the thought of living in a world where he didn’t. It could never be my hand, of that I was sure. I was too hopelessly entangled, even if we could never be, my heart wouldn’t allow it.  _

_ So I kneeled, leaning over his softly breathing form, taking in the sight of his serene face. Just once more, before I left.  _

_ Luke’s error had been thinking that his decision was made. Mine was thinking that the choice was simple.  _

_ I gently carded my fingers through his hair, deeply pained over leaving him. I thought I might kiss him just once more before I turned away from him, perhaps forever.  _

_ But I hesitated, my lips ghosting over his.  _

_ If I truly held any conviction to deny the darkness, I shouldn’t dance with it. I pulled away and glanced sadly at the broken saber, then resolved to gather up the pieces and escape while I still could, better to leave before he woke. _

I’d heard all the stories about how great Poe was, and I admired him in some ways, but what warmed me to him most was a very sincere kindness he held within him. He was boisterous and sarcastic, but to just a small selected few, he could truly be tender. 

I felt very lucky to be among those few in his eyes. 

Where Ren had told me I was nothing, Poe always made me feel like someone. 

Someone important. 

The way he’d looked at me when I had introduced myself, as though I’d just lit the sun in the sky before him.

To him, I was admirable. Worthy. 

My heart felt light. Everything would be alright. 

I knew he really wanted to be friends when he offered to help me with repairs on the  _ Falcon. _

Pilots never want to fix things, especially not hotshot top guns. He wasn’t very handy with repairing things, if I were being honest. But, he was good at fetching tools and anticipating which one I would need next, and supplying entertainment all the while. He had so many amazing stories, and I loved soaking them in. 

I didn’t know what made him gravitate toward me, but I basked in the comfort of it.

I wasn’t sure he’d ever let me live down a particular gaff of mine late one night running on little sleep. 

He had a mind to tease me that time, when he’d handed me the wrong thing. I demanded a different item, which plucked deftly from the toolbox next to him. But, instead of handing it to me, proclaimed I couldn’t have it and it was his. We laughed and bickered back and forth, but finally my weariness took over and I blundered through a haughty demand, “Give me your rod!” to which he hysterically laughed, I blushed violently, and he teased me for days after.

A month passed, nothing from Ren. 

It was bittersweet, a part of me longed for him. Missed him. But a very stubborn part of me was glad. I had to keep him out and stay my path. I was the last hope for the Resistance, and I couldn’t let them down. There was so much riding on my shoulders. 

I had been training under Leia, a task that consumed me with guilt most days. Dark Rey never let me forget it either. She’d been particularly cruel after I told Leia simply that Luke refused to help and he was not coming. Leia and I didn’t speak of Luke again. 

But he wasn’t the only source of my guilt. 

I had failed to bring her son back to her too. More than that, I’d slept with him. I harbored feelings for him. The duality Leia carried every day seemed intimately familiar to me now. Caring so deeply for someone that everyone around you wanted dead. 

One day after a session, Leia had cradled my cheeks in her small, frail hands. 

She said softly, “Don’t be afraid of who you are, Rey.” 

Her eyes held a knowing look, and somehow that comforted and terrified me. As if she knew about Dark Rey, and all I’d done. It haunted me.

Her words tumbled around in my mind constantly. 

I couldn’t tell anyone about Ren, or Dark Rey. Not only could they never understand, they’d think I was entirely insane. And why would they even  _ want _ to understand? Heroes didn’t do things like I had done… They would be terrified of me, they would fear I’d become just like Ren. I’d become a new nightmare for them. They would reject me. The only person who truly understood in any meaningful way, was my sworn enemy. 

“ _ And your lover.” _ Dark Rey would taunt for good measure. 

It was a harsh and unabiding loneliness. 

I couldn’t even muster the venom to call him ‘monster’ anymore. Not now that I knew all I did. Not after what I’d done. 

If he was a monster, I was too. 

And I definitely wasn’t ready to face that. 

To the Resistance, he would remain an unredeemable, soulless monster. I would have to lose all of them to have him. I’d have to lose myself. And I wasn’t prepared to do that. 

Every time he crossed my mind, which was often, I’d feel the connection humming strongly, pulling at me. Trying to connect us again. But I would resolve against it, and the feeling would stop. The only relief was that I could seemingly stop us from connecting for now.

After yet another training session, my body was heavy and I was feeling light headed. My mind was bogged down with the weight of a reality I was being forced to process. 

There were only two paths ahead. My destiny was one of them. 

To destroy Ren, or to join him. 

And I knew I couldn’t kill him. 

Leia suddenly pulled me from my thoughts, pointing out that I wasn’t myself and not performing well. To which, I mumbled a pathetic, “I’m just tired.” with a half hearted smile. 

It wasn’t entirely wrong, Dark Rey kept me awake many nights, if not bad dreams.

Leia didn’t press, though her look was skeptical, and dismissed me. 

As I wandered back toward the makeshift base, Finn and Poe approached me. As we prattled on in some small talk before dinner, I noticed Rose not far off. She was standing at a control panel and doing a poor job of pretending she wasn’t watching us. I mentioned it quietly to Finn and Poe, telling both not to look. Finn just smiled at me, standing awkwardly still, but Poe, in typical fashion, decided to twirl around as if he suddenly decided to dance, taking a very obvious look in doing so. 

I couldn’t help the laughter that erupted from me as the absurdity of it, not to mention Poe’s ridiculous faces. Poe seemed to delight more in my reaction than whatever lovers’ game was going on between Finn and Rose. 

I’d felt very heavy and tired just moments before, but in his presence I felt light. Like always, he chased away dark clouds in my mind. His smile was bright and earnest. How simple life could be if I had fallen for a man like him instead. Maybe none of this would’ve happened. Maybe Luke would be alive. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so tainted.

Another month passed, that made two whole months of silence. 

I felt a little angry, but I tried to quash it. He hadn’t tried to contact me. He had abandoned me, like everyone else I’d ever loved, was it really all that surprising? But then, I just chastised myself for putting ‘love’ and ‘Ren’ in the same thought. I wanted silence, I shouldn't care. He wouldn’t turn away from the darkness, he wouldn’t even meet me in the middle. He was poison and I had to purge myself of him or he’d slowly rot away my insides and kill me. 

Maybe Dark Rey would take over me first.

The  _ Falcon _ was preparing to leave on another mission, taking Finn, Poe, and Chewie away for a while. But, I had to continue my training. 

I had to reach the Jedi that came before. Or anyone that would help me, honestly. Maybe a Jedi wasn’t exactly what I sought. Maybe that’s why no one had answered. The sound of technicians chattering loudly nearby broke my reverie and I sighed. I hadn’t been sleeping well, still. 

“ _ Oh, but you slept well last night. You felt him on the edge of your senses, you smelled him.”  _ I huffed in irritation, of course she’d choose now to bother me. I did not want to feel, or smell, or anything to do with Ren!

_ “You stupid cunt.” _ She glowered at me. 

“Leave me alone.” I growled. 

This was my life, my body, I was in control. I knew people were nearby, I didn’t want to risk looking entirely mad if someone overheard me. She cackled evilly, fading away. Relief washed over me, but it didn’t last. 

In the next second, her voice was loud and firm behind me against my ear,  **_“No.”_ **

My temper and frustration overcame me. I was so sick of this, sick of her! 

In a split second, I’d activated the saber Leia gave me and swung it out wildly behind me, somehow thinking I’d finally cleave her in half.

Instead, I was met with the confused and slightly fearful face of Poe, just inches from my blade. 

“I’m...sorry?” He muttered softly, unmoving as though he was unsure what to do. 

I had almost killed him. One more step and he would be dead right now. 

I knew the shock must be plain on my face, my hand went limp, the saber falling from my grip and deactivating. I slumped to my knees, staring down at my shaking hands in disbelief. 

She tricked me, I didn’t see it coming at all. 

Why was I always so stupid? She wanted me to kill him! 

I heard a strange gulp-like sound as my vision clouded. 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay! I’m alright, there’s no need to cry. I shouldn’t have snuck up behind you like that, it’s not your fault.” 

He approached me cautiously, holding out his hands, as though I were some feral animal that might lash out at him any moment. I looked up and met his eyes, trying to blubber out an apology, 

“I-I...Poe!” I ended up crying out instead. 

He didn’t hesitate then, falling to his own knees just inches from mine, pulling me into his arms and embracing me. He shushed me and rocked us back and forth gently, his fingers brushing over my hair in a soothing gesture. I felt so overwhelmed, conflicted and  _ confused _ . So I just cried, and let him comfort me.

_ No, no, no, no, no. Not now!  _

My heart raced with dread and panic as the vacuum of sound occurred, the connection was opening. I clutched Poe’s dark leather jacket in my fist. I did not want to see him. Not now, maybe never. My heart tried to protest that wasn’t true, but I resolutely ignored it. 

I kept my face buried in Poe’s chest, I knew  _ he _ was here, but I refused to look. I was paralyzed with indecision, I couldn’t let Poe know about the connection to Kylo Ren, but how could I get rid of Ren without Poe noticing? Kriff, my luck was unbelievable!

“Who is that?” 

I jerked my head toward Ren’s voice, my eyes meeting his in alarm, could he see Poe? Was I putting Poe in danger? 

“What’s wrong?” Ren asked, his eyebrows furrowing together in confusion now that he could see my tear stricken cheeks. 

I mashed my eyes closed, willing with every fiber of my being to cut the connection. I could feel it start to strain under my efforts. 

“Rey, sto-” his voice cut off abruptly as the connection snapped, and sound returned to the world around me. I sighed in immense relief, pleased I was able to repel him for once. 

“Rey?” That probably still looked very weird to Poe. 

“I thought I heard someone calling for me and the sudden motion made my head hurt.” I replied, my voice a bit croaky. 

I braved a look into his eyes, they were soft and understanding. He pulled his shirt sleeve over his wrist and started wiping at my cheeks thoughtfully, his other hand resting on the side of my face with a thumb bracing under my chin to hold my face still. I blushed furiously under the attention, having forgotten myself earlier. I’d never been this close to him, let alone touching before. 

Poe was undeniably an attractive man, but he was frustrating. Aggravating. A bit haughty and definitely a smart ass. 

Yet could be so gentle, sweet, and warm. So much so it made me want to scream a bit. 

But he remained by my side. He wouldn’t abandon me. My thoughts obsessively circled on that. 

“I’m sorry, I’m such a mess, I guess the pressure has been getting to me.” I admitted sheepishly, hoping he’d accept that excuse. 

“Well, yeah, being touted as a hero is a bit heavy. A lot of expectations there.” He said thoughtfully, rubbing circles over my back. 

It didn’t escape my notice that he made no effort to put space between us. He smelled of oil and warm, sweet spices. A masculine mix of harsh and sweet, but it was oddly calming. 

My shadow had continued to strengthen within me, to my horror. But, the good, the light, it was in Poe. 

The idea sprung into my mind. 

Maybe I was too far gone to be a Jedi, but I could still align myself with the light, right? The fact that I was drawn to his warmth and kindness, that meant I could still turn away from the darkness. 

It had to be. That’s why Dark Rey hated him. It made sense now.

Poe was a hero, always surging out against the odds. Maybe the odds were against me, but he was used to that. I could cling to his light like a life raft and he would undoubtedly pull me back in to safety. He could be my hero. He could save me from the bleak fate ahead. 

I just had to let him. I had to make the decision to choose him. I had to decide to deny Ren at all costs and never look back. 

Yet, something inside me thrashed and screamed at the idea of turning away from Ren. Despite it all, I was still so deeply possessive of him. Could I ever escape those feelings? The memories of all that had transpired between us? 

It was immensely selfish of me. I knew that. 

But, if Poe grew to like me, I could grow to like him. A steady, calm type of love. A love that was good for me. 

“How did you know to stop?” I blurted out, wondering why he hadn’t walked right into his death by accident. 

Surely, it couldn’t be all luck that he’d survived this long. 

“I can’t explain it, I just knew I needed to stop there. That something was about to happen.” His brows furrowed together, trying to make sense of that thought. 

Precognition? Could he be Force sensitive? His signature was stronger than most…

“Anyway, are you feeling better?” He asked, moving on without much more thought to the previous subject. 

“I guess, it’s just tough to adjust from being a total nobody, to such big things suddenly kinda revolving around me, you know?” I shrugged, unsure exactly how to say what I meant without sounding like an ass. 

Poe chuckled. “Of course everything revolves around you, you’re a living embodiment of a sun, Rey.” 

He hopped up onto his feet, offering me his hand to lift me up. I blushed furiously at that. 

“I don’t think so, but thank you. I just… feel very conflicted about the things I’ve done, who I really am. I’m not as great as people like to think.” I replied, looking down at my feet. 

I hadn’t noticed my hand was still in his until he gave it a reassuring squeeze. 

“You’re right, you’re even better than they think you are.” He smirked at me lazily, then his expression shifted to a more serious one. “But, really, don’t dwell on it too much. You’ll figure it all out. All of us have a past, and we’ve done things we don’t really love, but it makes us who we are.” 

Poe gave one last effort to convince me to join their mission before relinquishing me, but I denied in favor of my training. We parted ways with the understanding we’d all meet for dinner in a few hours like usual. 

I kept my mental barriers strong, I could feel Ren now urgently trying to break through, but somehow I was blocking it. I wasn’t exactly sure how. 

It had been a few hours, and I was just preparing to leave for dinner when I let him slip through by accident. 

I growled in frustration as I felt his presence bloom in my space, trying to tamp down my want and loneliness that his being was an acute reminder of.

“Why did you shut me out?” He demanded. 

“I don’t want to see or talk to you.” I ignored his question, or maybe I answered it? I gave him the iciest expression I could muster. 

He ignored it. 

“Was it that dark woman again?” 

His mention of Dark Rey gave me pause. I was tempted to wilt, to confide in him how she wouldn’t relent unless he was near. But, I held strong. 

“Why do you keep on insisting like this?” I forced out through clenched teeth, refusing to look at him. 

“Because I know you. The real you. They don’t.” Came his passionate reply, closing the small distance between us further. 

I could feel the heat radiating off him. I could smell him, I loved the scent of him no matter how I tried to ignore it, and without thinking found myself inhaling more deeply. 

His index finger hooked under my chin, lifting my face toward his. I finally met his eyes with deep anxiety and trepidation. He was sucking me in. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to stop him. 

Suddenly, the connection started to wane, and it appeared he noticed, hurrying to finish his speech.

“I see what’s inside you. And I am the only one who would not fear what you are destined to become.” 

My mouth popped open with a gasp at the unavoidable truth of it, but he was gone.

Unshed tears bloomed in my eyes. How did he know all of my fears without my even saying? He seduced me so easily, I was immensely grateful the connection was short. I was frustrated at my weakness, and how Ren kept bringing up my destiny. 

Everyone kept on about  _ my _ destiny as though they knew it better than me! It was as though the bond was trying to stop me, but dammit all! I would make my own destiny!  _ My  _ life,  _ my  _ destiny.  _ MINE.  _ Nobody was making decisions for me, I was a grown woman and I would do whatever I wanted. 

It was decided then. I was going to choose Poe, damn Ren to hell. Bossy little shit would not rule my life.

I tried my best to keep cool through dinner, but now I was so focused on every little detail, my stomach furled with anticipation and eager energy. Every sideways glance, every smirk, every gentle thigh squeeze he gave me when he laughed. 

My heart was pounding loudly in my chest, I had a mind to wonder if he could hear it seated next to me. If he noticed, he didn’t let on. He was casual and relaxed. He was so very close, I was sure if I leaned in just slightly I could smell the soap from his freshly washed curls glistening with moisture under the lights. 

Finn gave me an odd look or two, but I was immeasurably grateful he didn’t call me out on it. 

If Poe were to reject me, I’d much rather bear that mortification quietly and in private. I knew he was older, probably much more experienced than me. Probably had his choice of any number of jaw dropping women. 

Yet, it didn’t escape my notice, without fail every day he was here, he was seated by me at every meal. And that without appearing too eager, he took every opportunity to remain close to me or touch me. 

It gave me hope. 

Hope was a dangerous thing. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worked REALLY hard to crank this out, and I like it honestly. I hope y'all enjoy this wild little ride. More of Rey's POV continuing from chapter 7.
> 
> As with chapter 7, if you hate Damerey this'll be a tough chapter for you. But if you can live with it, it might be a love/hate feeling for this chapter. Double dose of smut ahead.

Everyone lingered after the meal, as was typical when a mission was looming the next day. But slowly, everyone started to disperse, and we watched Rose not too subtly trying to pull Finn away with vague amusement. Poe stayed staunchly by my side. “Could I talk to you, Poe? In private.” I asked quietly as the others departed. He seemed surprised, “Oh. Yeah, of course.” He didn’t hesitate though, following me back to my quarters. I walked past the desk to my bed and sat on the edge. “Would you close the door?” I asked.

Again, he was not visibly uncomfortable, but he did seem surprised. He closed it. He then covered a couple more paces, pulling the chair from the desk and sliding down into it effortlessly, dangling an arm over the back of the seat casually.  _ “Mmm. His ease in manner belies what’s under those clothes I bet.”  _ Fuck. Why did she have to choose now? I needed to focus! I thought  _ ‘Be quiet.’ _ as loudly as I could. For once, no reply. Maybe she approved of the deviant behavior I had in mind. Anything to keep  _ her,  _ and  _ him _ , away.

“So what’d you want to talk about?” He asked, calm and self assured. Often characterized as cocky and brash by other Resistance members, he was deceivingly mellow in private. He was typically very playful with me, but he wasn’t prideful or rude to me ever. He was open. Trusting. I thought of the way I’d felt when I’d introduced myself, but he already knew who I was. He’d been looking forward to meeting me. I was somebody to him. Somebody important. Now, that same man was sitting there waiting to listen to my thoughts, because he cared what they were.

I stood, “Well. I guess talk might not be the right word.” I closed the space between us, tossing a leg over his waist and sunk onto his lap. He was shocked and alert now, hands instinctually bracing my lower back as he straightened in the chair. His eyes bore into mine in wonder, but no protest, as I brought a hand to his cheek and tilted down to capture his lips. He let out a little groan as he returned the kiss, seeking to part my lips and delve further. He brought a hand to the back of my neck for better leverage. 

His lips were soft and his tongue imploring, his mouth was hot and tender to mine. His skin under my fingers was sprinkled with stubble from a long day, covering smooth, sun kissed skin. He was homey and warm, I felt utterly at ease with him. He smelled like cinnamon and cloves. Robust and sweet. He parted from my lips flushed, the red of his cheeks unmistakable, and he didn’t bother trying to hide it. I liked that honesty in him. “I-“ he swallowed hard, licking his lips, “I didn’t know.” He whispered softly, searching my face for something. 

“I want to be touched.” I whispered back, pulling his hands and placing them against the skin of my belly under my shirt. I undid my breast band, letting it fall to the floor behind me. He glanced down, letting out a shaky breath. I could feel the chill in the air, and the way my nipples peaked in response. Straddled across his lap, I could feel his already woken member growing harder beneath me. His hands were warm and calloused, roving tentatively, as though I might swat him away at any second. 

My hand slid from his cheek into his hair, gripping the hair at the base of his neck, sending his eyes snapping back to mine with a gasp. “Touch me the way you want to touch me.” I breathed. I saw a shadow in his eyes, and I felt the thrill shoot down into the deepest parts of me. I slowly rocked my hips against his, he groaned. “So, this is happening? You want this? You’re sure?” He asked, before whatever it was I knew he was about to do. It was endearing, the care and respect, the way he wanted me to feel in control. 

“Yes, I’m sure. I want this.” I emphasized with another thrust against his straining erection. He groaned again, but this time in addition to another dark look earned, his hands slid down to grab my ass and pull it tightly against him as he stood. He set me down on my back on the bed, kicking off his boots and pants, then tossing his jacket onto the vacated chair, before crawling over me. He then pulled off my boots, and tugged my own pants off. Leaving us both in shirt and underwear. I appraised the tent in his briefs hungrily, biting my lip. 

The action wasn’t missed by Poe, who cocked an eyebrow at me in amusement. “You like that, huh?” He asked a little smugly, climbing up and pushing my shirt up to reveal my breasts. “Mhmm I do.” His response was a tug at my nipple with his teeth, and grinding his unfortunately clothed length against my unfortunately clothed lips. “Mmm damn you’re wet.” He whispered breathily, his tone heavy with arousal. He leaned back onto his haunches, raising my right leg to rest on his shoulder as he kissed my ankle and slowly worked his way to my knee. So reverent. 

He looked down at me with hooded eyes and I felt his hand slide up my thigh, and without hesitation, push aside my panties and drag a finger up through my wet folds. He enjoyed my mewl. “You should feel it with something else.” I recommended with a grin. He smirked back. “You know, you’re right.” He leaned over me, obscuring his movements by claiming my lips again. I braced in delicious anticipation. He replaced his finger with a frustratingly still clothed cock. 

I grunted with petulance and he chuckled. “Oh, so impatient. You want me that badly?” He pulled back to look at me bemusedly, and I foisted up on my elbows. “Stars, Poe. Fuck me, please.” His lips parted in surprise, he didn’t expect me to be so direct. A long, leisurely foreplay was a game for another time. Right now, I needed to be filled. I needed all these thoughts pounded right out of my head. I had to see this through before I lost my nerve. He yanked his shirt over his head, a thin silver chain with a silver band on it jingled slightly with the movement, and I casually observed as I did the same with my own shirt. 

He wasn’t a slab of marble, instead slender and well defined. His build was narrower, but perfectly toned pectorals and tight, accentuated abs. Small dark curls trailing from his belly button down into his briefs. I licked my lips thinking about what was only barely hidden there, then looking up to find his eyes when I realized he wasn’t moving. He had been watching me with a devious little smirk. He leaned over me again, his lips locking onto the base of my neck. 

As he sucked and nibbled at the tender skin there, shooting little jolts of pleasure down my spine, I almost missed his fingers hooking in each side of my own underwear, and my hips lifting instinctually for him. He pulled back, his eyes falling to my sex, and I spread my legs under his gaze. This time, he was the one to bite a lip and inhale deeply. But when his thumbs dove into his own waistband, his eyes met mine, keen to watch my reaction with a cocky little grin. He was longer than he was thick, but I felt the heat pool in my belly all the same. 

I wanted to feel every inch. He grabbed an ankle in each hand and yanked me toward him, earning an excited giggle in response as he placed them on his shoulders. He then grabbed his cock and pressed the tip between my folds positioning against my entrance. He gripped my hips and plunged deep, both of us moaning loudly together. He wrapped his arms around my thighs, trapping my legs against his chest and he thrust his cock into me repeatedly, his length hitting delightful places inside me. 

He freed one hand to rub my clit with his thumb, and I clutched at the pillow and sheets, trying to cope with the pleasure coursing through my body. This was just what I needed, I could feel my release building, all manner of noises escaping me as he worked me tirelessly. And then, I was tossed from the edge, yelling out as my pussy gripped his dick and I came all over it. He was acutely aroused, groaning my name as I came down my high. 

He only spared a few seconds, then promptly flipped me over with my face in the sheets, pulling my ass up sharply to his hips. He then plunged back inside me to the hilt with a loud groan, “Fuck, Rey!” His cock pounding my pussy roughly, spreading my ass so he could reach deeper. I reached down and worked my clit, it wouldn’t take my long to cum again like this, and a firm smack across my ass sent my arousal skyrocketing again. My noises egging him on, his thrusts became more frantic, I knew he was close. 

I could hear that little chain jingling again with the jerky movement of his body. “You like it rough, huh?” He said huskily, grabbing a fistful of my hair. He smacked my ass again with the other hand, it smarted and I loved it, groaning loudly in response. That coupled with the fast, hard snap of his hips slamming his dick in me and my fingers working my nub sent me careening into oblivion again much harder than before. He hissed as my pussy clamped down on his cock again, “Oh, fuck!” He cried loudly, with one last thrust sending him tumbling into ecstasy with me.

We laid there together for a while until our breathing settled again, lazily entangled. His fingers leisurely brushing up my back and shoulders, my arm tossed across his chest as I curled against his side and laid my head on his shoulder. “You’re  _ sure _ you don’t want to come with me? It’d be much more enjoyable in all terms of the word…” He trailed off, his eyes raking over my body. I chuckled. “I’m  _ sure _ .” I laughed at his pout. “Not even a teeny, tiny bit?” He whined playfully nestling his face in my neck. “Poe! I have to stay here. Besides, you don’t need any distractions, you need to be sharp for your mission.” I pulled back to kiss his jaw as consolation. 

“Well, I suppose this is real good motivation to get it done and high tail it back here to you.” His eyes met mine with a broad smile overtaking his face. I giggled when he wagged his eyebrows at me. “You had better hurry back. I don’t like to be kept waiting.” I feigned a stern look at him over my shoulder as I sat up. “Oh, no, I know much better than to leave a woman waiting.” He placed his hand over his heart for dramatic effect as he also sat up. For the first time in this encounter, my nerves returned. “I think you ought to get back to your room, lest anyone notice.”

I waited with baited breath to see how he responded. He smiled softly, but the tinge of sadness in his eyes wasn’t missed. “Yeah, you’re right.” He stood up and started dressing, facing away from me. For a quiet moment, I wondered at the scars scattered along his back and shoulders, but shook off the question for another time. “I just think we should have time to figure things out between us before we go making it public, you know?” I added gently, hoping that eased his mind. He turned around and gave me a much brighter, more hopeful smile that time before sitting on the edge of the bed to pull his boots on. 

“Yeah, yeah. You’re probably right, I shouldn’t get ahead of myself here.” He chuckled to himself a little. “How do you mean?” I asked. He finished with his boots and turned his body toward me, biting his lip. I watched the indecision, and some embarrassment, flitter across his features. “Ah, well.” He scratched at the back of his head in a nervous gesture. “I think I’ve liked you since the moment we met, Rey. I just... always thought you wouldn’t go for a guy like me. Thought you might like someone else, truthfully. And hells, I sure wasn’t going to turn you down tonight, but I worried maybe it was just a sex thing, that maybe you didn’t really like me otherwise.”

He wasn’t oblivious like some liked to think he was. But, his vulnerability was extremely endearing. He would be a good partner. Sensitive, but receptive. Willing to talk about his feelings, without hostility. That was a refreshing change for sure. “I guess I’ve been a bit too preoccupied, it took me a bit to really pay attention. But when I did, I liked you quite a bit. I want to explore things and see where they could go. It’s not just a sex thing. Though, that was very nice.” I giggled a little, feeling odd about talking so frankly about intimacy. 

Poe beamed, wasting no more time and leaning in to claim my lips again in a soft, gentle kiss. “Good. Me too. I’ll see you when I get back.” He parted to speak, then rushed in again for a little more urgent, more passionate kiss. He bit his lip and took a large breath when he pulled away, as though trying to shake away thoughts of more  _ activities _ so he could will himself to his feet again. It was bittersweet to watch him slip out into the hallway discreetly. I might really miss him this time. 

The next day was tougher than I expected, and it seemed a strain for Poe too. His expressions were easy to read, and he didn’t like that he couldn’t be openly affectionate. It was as though he couldn’t bear the secret, fidgeting and getting lost in thought as goodbyes and conversations happened around him. Finn, perceptive as always, picked up on the change, but merciful as always too, he didn’t bring it up. The departure was brief, and then they were gone. I expected to feel relieved, but instead I felt anxious.

I moped about until it was time to train, and I performed a rigid, perfunctory session. Leia gave me another shrewd look, as if she sensed my heart and mind were elsewhere. Were they ever really focused on the task? Maybe she wondered if she should suggest that was my problem, and I’d reluctantly agree. But, alas she was silent on it, and dismissed me for the day. Everything was quieter, duller. Maybe falling for Poe wasn’t quite the ‘task’ I’d approached it as. Maybe he was already a bit ingrained in my life, I just hadn’t noticed it.

I collapsed into bed after dinner and a shower and struggled to get to sleep. No Dark Rey tonight. Not yet anyway. But, rather the empty, longing, nagging feelings kept me awake. I tossed and turned, regretting having surrendered my sheets for clean ones this morning. Maybe the scent would help me sleep. Eventually though, I drifted off. 

_ This time, I knew for sure I was dreaming, because I was watching myself from outside my body. I couldn’t control, much less stop, what was happening. It was day time, I watched myself look around a clearing in the jungle of Ajan Kloss, before leaning up against a broad tree and sliding my right hand into my pants. I was... pleasuring myself? Then he was there. Standing just feet from me, but I wasn’t startled. Was I expecting him?  _

_ “I see you were thinking about me.” I pause, but don’t attempt to obscure what I was doing, only turning my face to look at him. The sheer heat in his eyes threatens to melt my core on the spot. He closes the gap, and pulls open the tie of my tunic, letting it fall away from my chest. I wasn’t wearing my breast band. Then he’s trailing the back of his gloved hand over my exposed breast, I gasped, but didn’t move away. He leans over, flicking his tongue across the erect nipple, taking it in his mouth and sucking it, my hand burying in his hair and I’m whimpering in approval.  _

_ He shifts to the other breast, his gloved fingers gliding up my thigh and delving into my waistband. He inserts two fingers without warning, earning a loud cry. He straightens, kissing my neck up to my ear, “how did you feel today?” It seared through my gut like a knife, the thought that Ren knew what I had done. Knew about Poe. But I remained with eyes closed, enjoying the pleasure and attention he lavished me with. My body didn’t flinch, no trace of guilt or shame.  _

_ I answered, “Achingly empty... The way you’d filled me, it left such an absence... a longing.” He practically purred with delight. “Mmm. You long to have my cock fill you again?” As if to answer, my hand found his hard length straining painfully against his pants, rubbing it through the material. He suddenly removed his fingers, making quick work of his waist belt and shredding his thick armored tunic. He tossed his boots and pants, leaving him only with his gloves and sleeves still strapped tight across his collarbone.  _

_ To my dismay, I was looking back at him lustfully. I shimmied out of my own clothing until I was completely bare, laying down on the soft, mossy ground. He moved down onto his knees at my feet, “Spread your legs for me.” He commanded firmly, but gently. I obeyed all too willingly. He then tilted his head appraising the view of my glistening wetness awaiting him. “My dirty little girl aren’t you?” He crawled over me, kissing and sucking along my sternum and grazing my right nipple with his teeth.  _

_ I pouted. “I have an ache that needs satisfying.” I rubbed my wetness against his length to illustrate my point, earning a groan from him in return. He grabbed his cock at the base and held it out stiff for me, his eyes locking with mine in an unspoken challenge. I wasted no time rocking my hips forward to push the tip inside. His hands found my hips with bruising intensity, but let me continue to writhe, not taking me. I whined with frustration, “Fuck me, please, I need more.” How could he say no? I’d never known him to be one of much restraint.  _

_ One arm swooped underneath me, grabbing a handful of ass, the other grabbing the base of my neck. I spread my legs as wide as I could, eagerly. Then he was driving deep and hard, rewarded with loud moans punctuating the wet slapping of skin. As if that just wasn’t enough, like he wasn’t satisfied he’d felt every centimeter of my insides, he pulled my knees over his forearms in a familiar gesture I recognized from a vision he’d shown me before. Both palms now lifted me by my ass as he leaned back onto his haunches, leaving my fingers clamoring to find purchase on the vastness of his shoulders for balance.  _

_ His gloved hands grabbed my waist roughly, the enormity of them swallowing me. One was enough to cover the entire expanse of the skin there. With the same bruising force as before, he used his grip to bounce me up and down atop him, impaling me with his absurdly thick cock on each downward pull. The obscene noises from me made my gut clench in want of the pleasure my mysterious double was in the throws of. The looks of his face, awash and passionately lost in coital bliss. The noises he made were equally loud and profane.  _

_ People were so close, I could hear them, how did they not notice what was happening here? My true self’s own arousal watching this display peaked to the point it was nearly painful. Watching us cry out together in a tandem climax, watching the way the very ground and trees seemed to vibrate with the energy of it, was breathtaking. It was no cold, loveless thing. Despite the sweat and intense heat of our bodies coupled with the summer air on the jungle moon, we were glued together post-coitus. He made no move to disjoin us, and I made no effort to remove him from inside me.  _

_ Our lips were locked in feverish kisses, limbs tangled together as fingers sought purchase in each other’s hair. When finally our lips did part, all he said was, “They don’t deserve you.” _

I woke with a start, panting and unbearably wet. No coherent thought made it through, only the instinct to relieve the pressure built up in my core. Desire slithered down my spine as my fingers dragged along my belly and into my underwear. I was not unlike my doppelganger seen moments ago, head tilted back and eyes closed as I pleasured myself. I could feel Ren’s touch burning across my skin like phantasmal gloved hands. The feeling of me stretched to accommodate him, his breath on my neck,  _ Mine. Mine. Mine...  _ Release.

Afterward, I felt  _ dirty _ . A type of dirty, a kind of tainted, I had not felt before. My heartbeat was still thrumming along, starting to slow. A thin sheen of sweat coated my bare skin, and tears threatened my eyes again. I managed to swallow them down thickly, rising from the bed to go wash myself off. As if that would somehow make me feel clean again. I couldn’t even make eye contact with myself in the mirror. I peeled my sweaty nightshirt off and I examined my body slowly. 

Ren was vast, deep, and sweltering red hot. Poe was warm, tight, and deliciously sweet. How could you compare such different things? I had no desire to compare them at all, but apparently my subconscious had other ideas. It felt somewhere deep in my skull like my very brain itself was starting to tear. My mind was unable to cope with such distortions of reality, the stress of trying to recognize these visions or imaginations, from connections or real life was beginning to finally undo me. 

What was real? What was true? What was wrong? What was right? What was manipulated, conjured? What was me? What was my shadow? Where did I truly end, and Dark Rey truly begin? It was getting harder and harder to tell. Ah,  _ she _ finally makes her appearance. I knew it would be any moment. Ready to twist the knife in, I’d bet. Ready to slap the red mark of a whore on my chest.

_ “Oh my, the rebel prince wrapped around one finger, the dark prince wrapped around another. What a wicked little bitch you are after all. Such a cock whore.”  _ She taunted with devilish glee.  “Stop it.” I ground through clenched teeth. I didn’t enjoy my position.  _ “Don’t lie to yourself. You enjoy several positions, from each of them!” _ She giggled at her own demented humor.  “I hate you! Leave me alone!” I seethed, on the verge of tears. My heart was already torn apart with guilt, but she knew that. 

There was no respite from her endless torment unless I was in Ren’s presence, or fucking Poe. The truth of that was a searing pain through my gut.  _ “Darling, you know better by now. This is one of those, what do they call them?” _ She feigned ignorance with a thoughtful pout, tapping her index finger against her chin.  _ “Ah, metaphors! I am you. The part of you that you try to hide from, and try to hide from others. When it gets right down to it, the one you really hate is yourself.” _ She explained patronizingly. I faced away, trying desperately to ignore her. 

_ “You revel in the power you hold over Poe. He’ll give you anything you want. All the pleasure his cock can provide. He’s simple really, a warm blooded male when it comes down to it. Not a lot of thoughts up top I suspect. But, you love the power Kylo holds over you. The way you hunger for him, the way his darkness sings to your soul. The way it reaches deep down in the depths you don’t want to think about. You’re bound to him, you know you’ll never escape him. Let’s be honest, you don’t want to. Poe is a fun little distraction, but Kylo is the one you dream about, the one you really want ravishing you. You need him, and you hate needing anyone. But it all comes down to one simple fact, you’re a coward.” _

My eyes finally locked on my own in the mirror, yellow superimposed over my normally hazel eyes, a cruel smile on my reflection’s lips. “I don’t want this.” I heard the strangled cry escape me, but no tears fell.  _ “They don’t deserve you.”  _ she said slowly as I heard her voice morph into Ren’s voice. I gasped in surprise as my reflection was normal again, but _ he _ was suddenly behind me in the mirror, a nightmare come to life. I had no idea her terror could stretch this far. I turned on him with all the venom, shadow, and pain in me. “ _ Dammit ! _ Get OUT!!” Whether he was real or not was of no consequence, I had to let all this awful energy out or I might explode.

I blinked. He was gone. Hot tears burned my cheeks. I felt something twisting and gnarling and exploding. The walls seemed to warp and groan, was that real? My body burned, like knives under my skin, it took my breath away. I couldn’t reason what I was feeling, but it was powerful. The blackness was only rooting itself deeper and stronger in my soul. I collapsed to the floor and sobbed. There was no one to run to, no one to save me. I didn’t deserve to be saved, if I was honest. I’d never felt so alone. Not even in that bleak cave that night on Ahch-To. Nothing had ever filled me with this kind of despondency. Could anyone even hear me cry?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I didn’t think I’d get another finished before Christmas, but surprise! Here’s one more! Thank you all for the reviews and following my story, your support keeps me going and it’s so appreciated. 
> 
> Sorry for doubling up on Rey’s POV here lately, but she’s driving the story a bit for a little while. I promise more Kylo POV soon.
> 
> We’re going to dabble with some events from TRoS briefly, then take off in another direction. So going forward a lot will seem familiar initially, but then it won’t. Damerey is still playing out in this chapter, but there’s also some pivotal information for the future of Reylo tucked in this one that will shake things up for Rey.
> 
> Inspo songs:
> 
> Coming Back for You- Maroon 5
> 
> Swept Away- Boundary Run
> 
> Heartless- Diplo, Morgan Wallen

_ Exegol _

_ "At last the work of generations is complete. The great error is corrected. The day of victory is at hand. The day of revenge. The day of the Sith." _

What had led me to this forsaken place? 

A mysterious transmission came from the far reaches of the galaxy, almost as though a beacon to draw me in. I was all too willing to come. I’d have none threaten my rule, my power. 

Fortunately, my former master had imparted on me much about the arcane lore of the Sith. It led me to Mustafar, where a cult remained worshipping my grandfather held an artifact that might be of use to reach a planet of Sith legends, Exegol. 

While my rampage against the cultists who refused to relinquish it was a little soothing, the comments of the Eye, the final guardian of the wayfinder, stoked the confusion and frustration in me.

_ "I know what you seek. I must warn you, our fiery planet burns away deception. If you proceed down this path, you will encounter your true self. The wayfinder is yours to take. It will guide you through the Unknown Regions. To the hidden world of Exegol. To him. But take heed, be prepared for what you may encounter in the end." _

The thing disappeared right after, leaving many more questions and providing no answers. My true self? What I encounter at the end of my path? 

My rage just fuelled me more, egging me on to Exegol. 

As to what I’d found… I didn’t know quite what to make of it all. What I thought I knew had been turned on its head. 

I acted as though I had submitted to Palpatine’s desires, but I had other plans. Again, Snoke had left me with an unwitting gift. I’d learned how to subvert telepaths. I kept my true intentions strictly guarded, alight with a new purpose.

A cruel streak in me delighted at the information I’d gleaned, the perfect means to get back at Rey. I didn’t have to do much, and I could deliver a blow that would hurt her. 

And in her grief, in light of what she would soon learn, who else could she turn to? She would finally realize she needed me, and that she couldn’t escape this. Couldn’t escape the magnitude of what we were always destined to be. So much made sense now, and the path ahead was clearer than ever.

Now the only problem was finding Rey. I couldn’t open the connection, she was firmly blocking me. I’d have to track her down in person. When I reached my  _ Whisper _ , I sent ahead a transmission to the  _ Night Buzzard _ and gave the order. 

Find the scavenger.

\----------------------------------------------------

_ Ajan Kloss _

I was thankful Poe was gone for a while, I needed time alone to recover and get my head on straight again. 

When I had woken the following day, I suddenly felt like myself again, and much better prepared to process my feelings. I couldn’t shake the foreboding feeling of where those awful emotions had come from, but I pushed down the hard things for now. I had to be strong and focus on what laid ahead. 

And right now, that was Poe returning with the  _ Falcon _ and I was a bundle of nerves….and it was on fire. 

I heard Poe’s voice drifting across the field as I ran toward it. 

“It’s on fire, the whole thing is on fire, all of its...on fire… Hey! Coulda really used your help out there.” 

He trailed off as he caught sight of me and strode purposefully in my direction, BB-8 right behind me. 

“How’d it go?” I asked with concern, because it didn’t look well. 

“Really bad actually.” He replied. I expected that. 

“Han’s ship…” I glanced over his shoulder at the ship, as he turned his gaze to the droid beside me. 

“What’d you do to the droid?” He asked with an accusatory tone.

“What’d you do to the  _ Falcon _ ?” I retorted. 

“ _ Falcon _ ’s in a lot better shape than he is.” Poe complained, gesturing to the droid. 

“BB-8’s not on fire.” I countered, prepared to badger him more about the  _ Falcon _ . 

“What’s left of him isn’t on fire.” He kept avoiding the important thing here, and I was getting increasingly frustrated. 

“Tell me what happened!” I demanded. 

“You tell me first.” He replied, stubbornly avoiding my question. 

“You what you are?” I smirked, beginning to feel like this was a game of some sort.

“What?” His tone was softer, but no smile. 

“You’re difficult. Really difficult. You’re a difficult man.” I couldn’t help the full on smile threatening my features, and he finally softened, stuttering a bit. 

“You are… mmhmm.” He groaned in frustration, a lovely pink blush blooming on his cheeks as his eyes dropped to my lips. 

I noticed Finn watching our exchange intently, so I brushed past Poe to speak to him. Before Finn got a word in, I was met with a petulant roar from Chewie as Poe knelt to talk to BB-8. 

“You lightspeed skipped?!” I turned on my heel, back to Poe.

“Yeah, well, I got us back here didn’t I?” He replied casually, and I stalked back to him.

“The compressor is down!” I shouted in exasperation. 

“Oh, I know, I was there.” His tone was biting, and he wouldn’t meet my eyes. 

“You can’t lightspeed skip the  _ Falcon _ !” I bemoaned. 

“ _ Actually _ , turns out you can.” What was with his attitude? He was being so irritable and shitty. 

“Hey guys, you know, we just landed-” Finn cut in and tried to defuse the mounting tension. 

“What happened?” I demanded again.

“Bad news, that’s what happened.” He stood and started walking away from us. He was beyond infuriating, I swore silently to myself. 

“No spy?” I asked, trying to keep my calm. 

“No, spy.” He replied curtly. 

“Did we make contact with the spy or not?” I huffed in frustration with his moodiness. 

Finn was beginning to fill me in on the details, but Poe turned on me suddenly, his brows drawn in an angry look. 

“You dropped a tree on him?” He accused, gesturing to the small droid at his side. 

“You blew  **both** sub alternators?” I retorted angrily, handing him his shitty attitude right back.

“Yeah well maybe you should’ve been out there with us.” He replied with a resigned tone, a glimmer of hurt in his eyes.

“You know that I want to be-” But he cut me off, 

“But you’re not! You’re here training. For what? You’re the best fighter we have, we need you.” 

His voice was pitched with emotion as he levelled me with a look that said something he couldn’t-  _ “I need you.”  _

Understanding washed over me. 

Maybe Poe wasn’t as simple and straightforward as I had been led to believe. 

He took off into the base and I let him go, deciding to dawdle a few minutes at least to shake any suspicions I might be pursuing him. I had no desire to stoke the rumor mill.

Poe didn’t answer at his quarters and his door was locked. I gave in and decided he’d come around when he was ready. I couldn’t fathom why he was so upset. 

But when I entered my own quarters, he was there waiting. 

He immediately surged from his seat and trapped my face between his warm, calloused hands, his lips locking onto mine in such needy passion. I clutched at his shirt to keep from falling as his body abruptly collided with mine. 

He pulled away finally, breathless and panting softly. 

“What was that all about?” I asked, my features drawn in confusion. 

He gently backed me into the wall, one hand bracing against it and the other gripping my hip tightly. He closed his eyes and leaned forward until his forehead rested against mine.

“I don’t know. I just...haven't felt right since I left. Being away from you was torture, all I could think about was getting back here. I’m a little freaked out. These feelings are just...intense. And I don’t know what to do with them.” His face dropped into the crook of my neck, both arms wrapping around my waist and pulling me flush against him.

Sweet Poe. I threaded my fingers into his thick curls, running through them in a soothing gesture. 

“I’ve never been afraid of death. Or not coming back from a mission. But when shit hit the fan, when it got tough back there, I was scared. All I could think about was when Mom died and left me and Dad behind. Dad was never the same, wished he had died with her. My mind started racing, worrying about you. Finn told me your parents abandoned you on Jakku…” He pulled back, looking me in the eyes tentatively, gauging if the subject would upset me.

I nodded, knowing the point he was trying to fumble through gently. 

“And I’m not so arrogant to think I’m some incredibly important person to you, I’m not trying to imply that… I just… I don’t know. That got me so fucked up, thinking we’d just had a connection and started developing something and then what if I failed you and I didn’t make it back.” 

His brows drew together, a look of frustration or confusion, or maybe both. He continued,

“I’d have left you behind, just like they did. Just like Mom left us behind. And that was the worst kind of pain. I still carry it with me every day.” He tugged at the chain under his shirt, pulling out that silver band I’d seen before.

We both looked at it quietly, letting the silence stretch between us. 

I understood, he carried a similar burden. A fear of people leaving, but not returning. Only now, he realized he was the one leaving, and how much was at stake every time we were apart. The hurt he could leave behind him one day. 

“I’ll always fight like Hell to get back, Rey. I never give up, I find a way. I’m not afraid to take risks and stare down the enemy. But, I don’t want to think about you here waiting. I want you there beside me, where you should be. Fighting with me. Maybe I’m a little more selfish than I like to think. But I want to fight this war together, where no one gets left behind.”

The depth of feeling in his words was probably the last thing I had expected. I folded my smaller hand around his slightly larger one, cupping his cheek with my other hand. 

“It’s alright, Poe. I understand. We’re all a bit more human than we want to be sometimes. It was hard for me too, having you away for weeks. I did miss you, a lot.” 

A smile tugged at his lips, “Well, I need to go debrief with Leia. Truthfully, I should’ve gone to debrief first, but I just really needed to see you… See you at dinner?” His eyes returned to normal, glimmering pools of chocolate gazing back at me. 

“Yes.” I released him and he tucked the silver band back underneath his shirt. 

His hand wrapped around the back of my neck, pulling me in for another kiss before he slipped away with a smile. 

I sighed and sat down on my bunk. 

What was I going to do about Poe? I wanted to open up to him, to let these feelings sink deeper. But, my heart stubbornly refused to let go of Ren. 

Here was Poe asking me to fight beside him, where Ren had asked me to rule the galaxy at his side. They really weren’t as different as one might think. 

_ “Hmm, well, Kylo could rip you in half like a ripe muja fruit. I’m not so sure Poe could manage that. One could say that’s a considerable difference.”  _ I rolled my eyes, of course she had to barge in now.

Thankfully, she didn’t linger and I went for a shower before dinner. 

At dinner, everyone was in good spirits, we all laughed and listened to the boys’ stories from their mission. Poe had finished his food pretty quickly, which drew my curiosity, but I just as soon discovered why. He sat in very close proximity to me, as he always had, and pretending to be sitting with his hands in his lap allowed him to slide a hand onto my thigh without being noticed. I knew my cheeks colored a little, feeling his hand traveling over my leggings. But once I realized it was more an affectionate gesture than it was sexual, I cooled off.

I wasn’t off the hook, however. 

After dinner, everyone parted ways, and it had seemed Poe headed back to his room. Not without giving me a longing gaze, but it seemed as much he’d gone to turn in for the night. I didn’t know any better, I had no relationships prior. I didn’t know what to expect. But I’d just changed into a nightshirt, having discarded even my undergarments, when I heard the soft knock at my door. 

I hesitated for a moment, given the state of my undress, but decided my shirt was long enough for modesty’s sake and opened the door. 

Low and behold, Poe was there to greet me with hungry eyes roving over my exposed skin. His lips parted, then his tongue darted out to wet them. 

When his gaze finally met mine, his eyes were dark, pupils blown large in lust. I started to say something, but didn’t even get a word out before his lips crashed atop mine. I vaguely registered the sound of the door closing behind him as he ushered me backward to the bunk, his hands finding purchase beneath my shirt. 

I woke the next morning in a warm tangle of skin, finding a sleepy pair of coffee colored orbs observing me quietly. 

“Mornin’ sweet thing. Didn’t wanna wake you.” He kissed my forehead and pulled me in a little closer. I sighed and relaxed into his hold. 

“Will someone notice you’re missing?” I asked softly. 

Poe chuckled lightly, “Mmm...Maybe BB-8, but he won’t rat me out.” 

I’d almost forgotten about the little droid. I stretched out, preparing to rise.

“Well, Leia will be waiting for me to begin training, I had better get going.” 

Poe watched casually as I milled about getting dressed for the day, taking his time clothing himself.

As we headed out into the hallway, Poe grabbed my hand and tugged. I turned back to face him, with a hesitant expression, but I didn’t stop him from leaning in and kissing my cheek softly. 

“See you later then.” He murmured with a small smile, releasing my hand and turning to head the opposite direction. I smiled watching him for a moment, before turning and heading my own way.

Only, I saw a pair of gleaming eyes that stopped me dead in my tracks. Finn saw us. 

I turned what was surely a furious shade of red and immediately ducked him before he could corner me.

I could hear him calling after me as I desperately looked around for somewhere to hide, but then there was no need. I nearly ran straight into the General herself, and those few seconds gave Finn the advantage to catch up, but he didn’t utter a word when he saw Leia’s serious expression. 

“Emergency meeting.” She said firmly, and strode off as proudly as she could manage with her cane. 

Finn and I exchanged a worried look, previous thoughts forgotten. Emergency meetings only meant one thing- bad news. 

Everyone gathered in the hangar among the various spacecraft, cargo boxes, and equipment strewn about. Poe was at the center, a solemn and almost angry look to him. I saw his eyes scanning the crowd idly as everyone gathered until he found me, staring at me for a long moment before he pulled his gaze away and began to speak. 

“We've decoded the intel from the First Order spy and it confirms the worst. Somehow, Palpatine returned.” 

Collective gasps broke out among the crowd.

“Wait, do we believe this?” Rose questioned in disbelief. 

“It cannot be! The Emperor is dead!” Colonel Ackbar exclaimed.

A couple paces away, Beaumont muttered in shock, “Dark science. Cloning. Secrets only the Sith knew.” 

Poe’s face was tight, cold as stone. “He's been planning his revenge. His followers have been building something for years. The largest fleet the galaxy has ever known. He calls it the Final Order. We don’t know how long we have before attacks begin. The Emperor and his fleet have been hiding in the Unknown Regions. On a world called Exegol.” 

I’d heard of that place! I rushed back to the  _ Falcon _ to retrieve an old journal of Luke’s I had stolen, flipping through it urgently until I found the page. He’d looked for it, but never found it.

Poe, Finn, and Rose had broken from the crowd and chased after me minutes later, leaving Ackbar and Leia to field the rest of the meeting. They caught up to me as I came back down the ramp. 

“I'm gonna pick up Luke's search for Exegol. According to this, you need a wayfinder to get there, he was close to finding one. I'm gonna start where his trail went cold. The Forbidden Desert of Pasaaana.” 

Poe smiled, “Great, let’s leave first light.” He was halfway up the ramp before I could even respond, yelling inside, “Chewie, you get that compressor fixed?!” 

I didn’t bother trying to disagree, I knew Poe wouldn’t hear it. He wanted to fight together, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t warm my heart knowing he’d be there with me, wherever this led us. 

While Finn tried to negotiate with Rose, I went off in search of Leia to tell her our plans. As I had already known, she didn’t try to stop us. 

We spent the rest of the evening preparing to leave, but Rose declined and said she needed to stay to help do research and develop battle plans. 

I hardly slept, and I was wide awake well before anyone stirred on the base.

I decided to run the training course once more before we left, to burn some of the anxiety creeping into my veins. Leaving Ajan Kloss had the distinct possibility of an encounter with Ren in the flesh. It felt like a rock in my stomach. 

I’d worked up a decent sweat, and was about to head in for a shower when it happened. 

Another vision.

_ The room was definitely the medical bay in the Ajan Kloss base.  _

_ There was Poe. He looked haggard; eyes bloodshot and the scruffy, unkempt beginnings of a beard. He was handed a baby, serenely sleeping. There was a body in the background, Poe was standing beside it, but I couldn't make out who it was at first. Poe sobbed, clutching the babe to his chest. Then, I could see the woman laying on a stark white bed. Gradually, the image focused. The sheet across her was blood stained over her abdomen.  _

_ Her skin was grey, lips turning blue, she was dead.  _

_ She was me.  _

_ As the shock registered in my brain, the vision shifted entirely.  _

_ A boy, not much younger than me, with wild raven locks past his ears and bright hazel eyes.  _

_ He was in a nicer room than I was accustomed to- clean, cream colored walls with a large window and a bed covered in a hunter green bed set. I could make out some of the personal effects littering the desk and shelves around him- holo images, model starfighters, trophies, plaques.  _

_ Suddenly he spoke, drawing my attention back to him. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, his tall frame craned, staring down at his trembling hands.  _

_ “Something is awakening in my mind and I’m afraid. I can’t control it.” I saw no one around him, was he talking to himself? _

_ Another shift happened, but this one was less jarring.  _

_ It was obviously the same boy, but he was slightly older. Maybe older than I was now. He was tearful, talking to an aged Poe. Poe’s hair was littered with grey, his salt and pepper beard was much more pronounced, but neatly groomed. His chocolate eyes were concerned, framed by deepened crow’s feet, but his face was calm- he was not surprised.  _

_ “Something’s happening to me. I keep seeing strange things, strange people, and I don’t know what it means.” The boy lamented to him, distraught. _

_ The third shift made me feel a bit queasy, my head beginning to throb.  _

_ This time it was the boy again, but in battle gear, standing beside a similarly dressed Poe. I could see smoke billowing ahead of them, heard the boom of cannon fire from an active space battle above. Their expressions were fierce and courageous.  _

_ The boy pulled a hilt from his waist, and activated a green lightsaber. He and Poe shared a look. Poe nodded, the boy stormed off the platform toward me. In his hazel eyes, I saw a fire that I recognized all too quickly. The way he stalked into battle...  _

_ My lips parted in surprise, but the scene faded away. _

_ Things started to blur and become too fuzzy to distinguish, I wondered what all of this was and when it was going to end.  _

_ It felt like my head might split in two, the pain becoming so sharp and acute down the middle of my skull.  _

_ But then, like a Force connection with Ren, all went silent and the boy was standing there in front of me in the field.  _

_ His face contorted in confusion, and then eased with… recognition?  _

_ “I know you.” He says in wonder.  _

_ His mouth opens again to speak, but the connection drops suddenly when I feel a weight on my shoulder pulling me back into reality. _

“Rey? What is it?” Poe’s hand is on my shoulder, his voice near my ear behind me. 

I was unable to speak right away, a hot tear escaping and gliding down my cheek. An inescapable realization had just crashed down upon me and I had no time to process it. I’d just seen my own death, and my son. The one I would die and leave behind with a grieving Poe. 

But that wasn’t the part that shook me to the core. No, what shook me was the unavoidable conclusion of the boy’s height, jawline, and tousled hair. 

Ren was the father. 

A shaky breath escaped me as I tried to regain my composure and choke out, “Nothing.” Swiping the traitorous tear from my cheek quickly, trying to avoid Poe’s gaze. 

“Well, we’re ready. We should get going.” He replied evenly, he didn’t appear to notice my upset. 

Good. I turned and followed him quietly, lost in thought. Trying to make sense of it all. 

If I did die, where was Ren? Why didn’t he take the boy? A slurry of hurt and confusion churned through me at the thought he’d reject or abandon our child. But deep down, I knew there was no way that could be true. Ren must’ve perished too. Or Poe hid him from Ren. How else would he react if he knew?

However, there was one deep seated truth that ran right to my core, and there was no doubt or question of. 

If I remained with the Resistance, that was my future. Poe’s too. I’d leave him behind, leave him broken, helpless to stop it. 

My heart felt incredibly heavy. I didn’t know what to do with that knowledge. Constantly grieving was a seemingly life long thing for Poe. Pain was ingrained into him, as much a part of his life as piloting. I’d seen the shame and self-loathing in him for the people who had died under his command, or on missions with him. He confided it in me after Crait, his eyes adrift with loss and looking for hope again. 

How could I do that to him?

  
As I boarded the  _ Falcon,  _ my mission was clear. But my future was murkier than ever.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here we are! The last "catch up" chapter... our darling Rey is about to reach a fork in the road. Which path will she choose? 
> 
> This whole chapter is in Rey's POV

When we landed on Pasaana, we were a bit uneasy about a seeming celebration we’d dropped ourselves into. Of course, C3PO was happy to fill in the blanks, much to our chagrin. We’d stumbled into the Aki Aki Festival of the Ancestors, which only occurred once every 42 years. I sighed, but accepted that it would at least provide cover from inevitable First Order patrols. 

What I knew is that Luke followed Ochi of Bestoon here, who had only one of two Sith wayfinders in existence. According to his journal, Ochi’s abandoned ship was still here in the desert. It was a dead end. But it was worth a fresh set of eyes, and surely someone here knew where it was. 

As we worked through the crowds, a young girl graced me with a colorful, handmade necklace. At first I was flattered, but I felt unsteady on my feet when C3PO explained it was a fertility necklace. Poe dared a quick glance at me, but his eyes were gone just as suddenly as they met mine.

Music, chanting, and dancing surrounded us, the natives dressed elaborately in colorful garbs. Everyone split up to question locals for clues, and much to my dread, a connection sprung to life only moments after I broke away. I felt the familiar tug, and his anger, his desperation. The sky darkened, the festival melted away. As if I were standing in the middle of an endless desert in the dead of night. My heart raced with anxiety. This had never happened before, and I didn’t have good memories of the desert at night. 

I felt him approaching. 

“Palpatine wants you dead.” He said in a monotone. 

“Serving another master?” I asked without looking at him. 

I wasn’t sure why I felt disappointed by that idea. 

“No, I have other plans.” That damned mask again. I could tell from the synthetic voice. 

This time I was disappointed, but because he had returned to hiding himself. I turned and surveyed the thing. It was different, patched together with bright red lines spidering everywhere. 

He continued, “I offered you my hand. You wanted to take it.” His tone was even, matter of fact. 

I didn’t bother denying what we both knew was true. 

“Why didn’t you?” He asked, his voice just barely quieter, the difference in tone hard to distinguish with the mask. 

“You could’ve killed me, why didn’t you?” I countered, trying to divert the topic elsewhere. 

Somewhere I was comfortable being angry and cruel. 

“You can’t hide, Rey. Not from me.” The way he said my name gave me gooseflesh. 

I felt like squirming under his gaze, but I wouldn’t let it show. 

“I see through the cracks in your mask. You're haunted. You can't stop seeing what you did to your father.” I retorted, trying stubbornly to push away the feelings churning in my gut at the sight of him. 

Tossing the vivid image of Han’s death out into the connection, knowing he’d see it. Trying to make him angry. Hurt him. Keep him from getting close again. He visibly flinched. But he didn’t let it slide. An unbidden image returned, of a dead Luke grey and old.

“Do you still see his face in your dreams? Such pain in you. Such anger. I don't wanna have to kill you. I'm going to find you and I'm going to turn you to the Dark Side. When I offer you my hand again... you'll take it.” The thrill of pleasure that shot down my spine at the sultry tone he managed even through his mask was beyond unexpected. 

I stood there shocked, my mouth hanging open dumbly for a moment as my body rebelled against me again. 

Just long enough for him to shoot out a hand and yank the necklace from my neck. 

Then, he was gone.

The festival roared to life around me, everything bathed in light again. 

When good sense finally crashed into me, I bolted for the recently dispersed group, gathering them as I urged them to run for the edge of the festival. 

“We have to go back to the  _ Falcon _ . Now.” No sooner had I said, than the sound of the TIEs descending into the atmosphere reached us. 

“Run!” I shouted, and everyone made for some nearby sand speeders, that Poe readily hot wired. Finn shot me a questioning look, but I just shrugged and commandeered one for myself.

We took off into the uninhabited desert, stormtroopers hot on our tail. A tough fight, and harrowing escape ensued. 

Unfortunately, in the process of wiping out the troopers, our speeders were destroyed, launching us into the sand just short of Ochi’s ship ahead on a ledge. Among the grunts and groans, we started to realize more than just pain. Poe exclaimed, alarmed as the sand dragged us all down slowly. We landed in a sinking field! 

My mind rushed, frantically trying to find something to grab onto, but there was nothing. Poor BB-8 was getting sucked down even faster, and I tried to pull at him and free him in a futile endeavor. 

“Rey! I never told you-” Finn started, but was sucked under completely before he could finish. 

I was the last to finally be dragged in.

Once the sands swallowed us completely, a hollow cavern waited below. I fell right into the waiting arms of Poe, who smiled at me warmly. I blushed furiously and squirmed to get down before anyone saw, but it didn’t escape Finn’s gaze, who gave us a critical look. 

We all dusted off and started evaluating our new surroundings. 

“I do not wanna know what made these tunnels.” Poe grumbled. 

C3PO, oblivious as ever, promptly replied, “Judging by the circumference of the tunnel walls, there are numerous-”

“I said I do  _ not _ wanna know.  _ Not _ .” Poe growled, enunciating clearly for the droid.

I lit my saber for light, and started walking, Finn at my side. 

“We should hurry and find a way out. Come on.” I called to the rest of the group behind us.

“So, what was it? What were you going to tell me?” I asked casually, looking down side tunnels as we passed. 

“When?” Finn responded, refusing to look at me and suddenly acting interested in looking around. 

I huffed, “When you were sinking into the sand, you said ‘I never told you’..." I looked at him pointedly. 

He acted skittish, replying, “I’ll tell you later.” 

Poe appeared very close behind us, I could almost feel his breath on my neck as he said, “You mean when Poe’s not here?”

“Yeah, mhmm.” Finn immediately responded sarcastically, a more guarded posture taking over. 

“We’re all gonna die in sand burrows and you’re keeping secrets?” Poe asked incredulously, giving Finn a dirty look, then proceeding down a larger tunnel to our left. 

I followed behind him, deciding to give up on the conversation. 

“I’ll tell you when you tell me what’s going on with you and Rey.” Finn wagged his eyebrows when I turned back to scowl at him, and Chewie roared in agreement. 

Poe and I stole a quick glance between us, both our facing burning red as we pressed on and deliberately ignored that statement. 

Finally, there was some wreckage ahead. 

We all rushed over and started picking through it, but C3PO was fascinated with something on the hood of the speeder, telling Poe it was an emblem of a Sith loyalist. 

Poe’s gaze locked onto mine. Ochi. He never made it back to Exegol, that’s why his ship was left in the desert. He died down here. 

Then, we shared a look of dread. Whatever made these tunnels… it killed him. 

We were interrupted by Finn, who thrust a dagger into my hands, “Hey! Look at this!”

I gasped, being launched unwilling into another vision. 

_ It was Dark Rey. Her yellow eyes gleamed, sitting atop a throne of jagged stones, strange runes engraved into it. A body was slumped on the ground in front of her. It almost looked like Ren, it was a large man to be sure. But, his features were sharper...more drawn and pale. When I could finally see his eyes...his beautiful honeyed brown pools were gone. They were clouded. He was dead, and tortured before from the looks of him. I shivered involuntarily. Lightning screamed across the sky behind her and blinded me. _

I was back. Unfortunately, I knew what it meant. No matter what I chose, people would suffer.

Poe tilted the dagger in my grasp, “Look, there’s writing on it.” 

It seemed nobody noticed my vision except me, and his voice brought me back to the situation at hand. 

C3PO immediately volunteered, “Perhaps I can translate. Oh! The location of the wayfinder has been inscribed upon this dagger. It's the clue that Master Luke was looking for.”

“And?” Poe prodded excitedly.

“Where's the wayfinder?” I pressed, impatient.

C3PO looked disappointed somehow. “I am afraid I cannot tell you.”

“20.3 fazillion languages and you can't read that?” Poe groaned in frustration. 

“Oh, I have read it, sir. I know exactly where the wayfinder is. Unfortunately, it is written in the runic language of the Sith.” C3PO replied, his matter of fact tone being very irritating in the current circumstances.

“So what?” I demanded. 

“My programming forbids me from translating it.” He replied simply.

“So you're telling us the one time we need you to talk, you can't?” Poe was fuming already. 

C3PO didn’t appear to notice. 

“Irony, sir. I am mechanically incapable of speaking translations from Sith. I believe the rule was passed by the Senate of the Old Republic…”He continued to prattle on, but nobody was listening. 

“Hey! I see light this way!” Finn shouted, apparently he’d gone on ahead while we were quarreling with the droid. 

We rushed after him, and sure enough, it was an exit. We all shared a collective sign of relief and emerged into the sun once again. 

“There! Ochi’s ship! Let’s go.” Poe shouted, pointing to the ledge not much further off. 

Fortunately, only a short detour. We headed to the ship, but as we boarded, I felt him. Ren. He was coming for me. A strange disaster of a feeling coiled in my belly, somewhere between thrill and terror. The Force rippled around me with odd impulses.

“We got to keep moving. Find someone who can translate that dagger. Like a helpful droid.” Poe sneered, but C3PO didn’t notice, blissfully unbothered. 

Then, Poe noticed the TIE Whisper approaching rapidly, “What the?” 

With my face drawn I moved to the ramp, “I'll be right behind you. It's okay.” 

I descended the ledge quickly, forming up in my mind how I would challenge him. I had to push him off enough for us to have any chance of escaping. I thought he might land, taunt me as usual. But instead, his ship hovered just over the ground, and sped straight at me.

I braced myself, feeling his anger, determination, and murderous intent. He truly wanted to kill me. Shock registered somewhere, but a defiant part of me just found him petulant. He was furious with me, wanted to punish me. His rage told him it would be quelled if he ran me down, but it wouldn’t. He was so ridiculous at times. 

I’d put him in his place. 

I ran with all my muscles could offer, barely feeling the whisper of his surprise as I leapt. Flipping through the air and igniting my blade, removing a wing of his fighter.

I watched his ship tumble and burst into flame for only a second before I heard Finn’s urgent shouting behind me, I turned to look. 

“Rey! Rey!! They got Chewie! They got him!!” He thrust a finger up toward the sky, and I saw the First Order transport rising as it headed off the planet. 

Without thought, I reached out with everything I could muster and  _ pulled _ . I  _ had _ to save him. It slowly swayed and started to come toward me. I smiled and sighed to myself in relief, I could do it. 

But then, it lurched away from me. Almost as if…

That fucking bastard. I knew the crash hadn’t killed him, but the  _ audacity. _

His face was calm and neutral, his mask dangling from one hand. With the other he was trying to pull the transport from my grip! 

No.  **_No._ ** He would not take Chewie from me. 

I tried to draw deeper and deeper from myself, but there just wasn’t enough. My frustration mounted, I strained to keep the transport from moving toward Ren, but I couldn’t draw it away from him either. 

Why did he have to be so awful? Why?  _ Why?!  _ **_Why?!_ **

White hot anger flashed through me, my fear, confusion, and desperation boiling in my stomach. It was so potent, I didn’t have time to think, time to stop myself.

It happened  _ again. _

Lightning streaked across the space between my fingertips and the transport. It exploded, erupting into a ball of fire and shrapnel before raining down into the sand below. 

“NO! CHEWIE!” The strangled scream ripped out of my chest.

I was struck bone still, paralyzed. My eyes clouded with tears as I looked down at my hand in disbelief.

“Look at yourself. You wanted to prove to my mother that you were a Jedi, but you've proven something else. You can't go back to her now, like I can't.” Ren’s face looked as though he was in awe, yet his voice almost sounded remorseful. As if he wished he could go back to her. It felt distant, yet true.

A frantic yell from Poe breached the temporary silence in the canyon, “Rey! We gotta go! They’re coming!” 

Poe was on the ledge by Ochi’s ship, pointing off into the horizon where several TIEs had appeared, heading our way. I gave Ren one more withering look, then ran to my friends. He didn’t give chase, and didn’t try to stop me. 

Poe took off as soon as I bungled inside, crumbling on top of a crate as I tried to process what had just happened. What I had just done. 

I killed Chewie.

Finn approached me immediately, sitting next to me quietly. 

“I lost control.” I whispered weakly. 

“It wasn’t your fault.” He replied determinedly. 

“It was.” I countered firmly. 

“No, it was Ren. He made you do it.” Finn insisted. 

“Chewie’s gone. That power came from me. Finn, there are things you don’t know.” I told him, tearfully. 

“Then tell me.” He encouraged, laying a hand over mine and squeezing. I hesitated, unsure what to say. 

“I, uh, had a vision. Of the Sith throne. And who was on it.” I croaked out around the tears. 

“Ren?” Finn asked, so earnestly innocent. 

I looked at him sadly, and his face fell. 

“No… it was me.” I said quiet, my voice nearly a mere gasp.

Finn stood and walked to the cockpit, trying to convince Poe to head back to base. 

“We don’t have time to go back. We are  _ not _ giving up. If we do that, Chewie died for nothing.” Poe insisted, resolute. 

“Poe, Chewie had the dagger!” Finn whined, hoping Poe would see reason. 

“Well, then we’ll have to find another way.” Poe stubbornly dug his heels in. 

“Well, there isn’t. That was the only cue, and it’s gone!” Finn growled in frustration. 

“So true. The inscription lives only in my memory now.” C3PO said wistfully. 

“Wait a minute, what?” Poe responded, turning to look at C3PO. 

“Why, yes, Master Poe. But the translation from a forbidden language cannot be retrieved. Short of a complete redacted memory bypass, that is. However, it’s a terribly dangerous and sinful act… performed on unwitting droids by dregs and criminals.” C3PO replied thoughtfully. 

“Let’s do that.” Finn turned to Poe with renewed enthusiasm. 

Poe returned it, “I know a black market droidsmith.” 

C3PO balked, “Black market droidsmith??” 

Poe’s expression became more unsure though, “But, he’s on Kijimi.” He muttered. 

“What’s wrong with Kijimi?” Finn asked, innocent as ever. 

“I had a little bad luck on Kijimi... But we can’t let this mission fail, we gotta go.” Poe resolved and turned back in his seat to focus on piloting again. 

“We’re all in this, until the end.” I felt Finn’s eyes on me as he spoke, but I didn’t look. A deep dread and weariness seated in my gut.

Sadness, fear, anger, desperation. It hadn’t abated, my stomach felt unsettled, like I might be sick at any moment. I killed Chewie. Just like Luke. I hadn’t meant to. I didn’t want either of them to die. I was losing control. Luke was just the beginning, and I had an awful feeling it was only going to get worse. 

That vision, that sinister version of me. It terrified me. I could not let that happen. But the only person who could help me… if I turned to him, was I risking becoming  _ her _ ? 

Palpatine. He started this mad chase, fear of what he’d do, what he’d destroy, spurred me here. He was the reason I had even been put in this situation. He deserved to die. If this power brought death… I’d at least put it to good use.

I vaguely noticed Finn standing near me, leaning against the wall. 

“I’m going to find Palpatine. I’m going to  _ kill _ him.” I forced in a hushed voice, through clenched teeth. 

“Rey… that doesn’t sound like you.” Finn replied with notable trepidation in his voice. 

Everyone liked to tell me about my destiny and who I was and who I would be. I was sick of that too. 

“People keep telling me they know me, but I’m afraid no one does.” I replied, my voice sounding hollow and bitter even to me.

_ “But I do.” _ His velvet baritone creeped along my mind, sending a violent shiver down my spine and my heart racing. 

The ship lurched, going into hyperspace. Finn had no response, retreating to the cockpit. 

Poe replaced him beside me, sitting on the crate with his thigh against mine. He pivoted his body to face me, his hand gently fell on top of my own. 

“Hey there. You look… far away. Can I help?” His other hand softly brushed away stray hair at my temple. 

I wanted to lean in, to accept his comfort. But something in me couldn’t. Wouldn’t. 

I already knew I had to leave the Resistance. I was delaying the inevitable. I didn’t want to hurt Poe, but I knew I had to. 

And I was so  _ angry _ about it. 

My face crumpled, with tears and fury. None of this was fair. I’d been dragged out of a desert planet in the far reaches of nowhere, for this? More misery? More pain? Why?  _ Why?  _

There was never an answer. No answer to any of this. And it was so  _ unfair. _

Something caught my eye. The glint of the silver chain around Poe’s neck. Then, the longer I looked, I realized his chest was heaving, a strange expression on his face.

“So, you’re seriously not going to tell me what’s going on between you two?” Finn whined, a hint of mischief in his tone. 

When had he approached? Why had I missed that? 

But suddenly, Poe was on his feet, closing the distance between himself and his best friend with a menacing posture. Finn’s face marred in confusion, but he was too slow. Poe snatched him up by the collar, and aggressively slammed Finn’s back into the wall. 

“Fucking. Drop. It.” Poe seethed, jaw and shoulders wound tight.

What the hell? As the shock of his actions rolled over me, my anger faded into the background, and Poe shook his head, looking at Finn as though in a daze.

“I… I’m sorry… I don’t know why I did that…” Poe trailed off, releasing Finn to slump against the wall as he staggered backwards. 

No. No. I didn’t do that, Poe just lost his temper. 

_ ‘Yes, you did.’  _ Dark Rey appeared beside me. 

I refused to look at her or acknowledge her, panic building in my belly at the implications of this exchange. 

_ ‘The shadow in you has grown so strong, it bleeds off of you. You projected your anger onto him. You can do it to others too. Those in tune with the Force. Encourage them to act on feelings, corrupting them too in the process.’ _ She explained, as though it were some casual biology lesson. 

I was going to vomit. I was definitely going to vomit. I grabbed the nearest empty canister and emptied what little was in my stomach. Poe was at my side in an instant, “Rey! Are you alright?” He rubbed my back trying to soothe me as the tears fell. I shook my head numbly, I couldn’t speak. 

\-------------------------

Kijimi was a wild ride. 

I still hadn’t made a decision, so I still hadn’t taken action. I guess that was a pattern of mine. 

So I followed the boys through Kijimi, nearly assaulted by Poe’s former spice running gang, but with some smooth talking from Poe and vague physical comeuppance from me, we ended up in Babu Frik’s workshop. 

Finn couldn’t seem to get over Poe’s past profession, and I wondered ruefully how he’d feel about knowing a Sith doppelganger tormented me nearly every day. Which would he find more scandalous? Probably the latter.

Babu had removed the exterior panel of C3PO’s head, and he was ready to begin the override. C3PO seemed a bit melancholy, I wondered after so many years if the droid really did have some semblance of feelings. 

“Just taking one last look...at my friends.” The droid said somberly. 

Then Babu dove into the droid’s head, sparking and crackling ensued. Suddenly, C3PO sat upright, his eyes tinted red. A loud whirring began, followed by a mechanical grinding, then the droid’s head unit began to twitch. 

Then, it powered down abruptly. Babu groaned and whined, trying to get C3PO to turn back on.

Nothing.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Finally, some Kylo for you all. I promise there is more smutty goodness very, very soon. And as always, thank you for your support. You all keep me going on the tough days.

Kylo’s POV

_ Finalizer/Kijimi _

When I returned to the _ Finalizer _ , I felt a bit numb. Not about the truth of Rey, but the impulsive darkness in me. I pushed the thoughts aside while I was in the desert, in her presence. But now, I was frustrated with myself for being overcome with the fury and temptation to run her down. I was undeniably angry with her, but killing her was the exact opposite of what I wanted. 

What I needed was to meditate and recenter myself, but there was no time for that. My knights were in pursuit, and soon I’d be chasing after her again. I was confused that she still turned away from me after her display in the desert. She was horrified, but she didn’t seem… surprised.

My favorite fighter was destroyed, but the price was worth the reward. To encounter Rey again, to provoke her into a rage. I was awed by her beauty and her power. It was more than I’d hoped, and way more than she realized. 

Tit for tat- I’d gotten my vengeance in the end. I’d hurt her. And by her own hand, no less. In that way, I was satisfied. My anger at her cooled. There was so much more shadow, so much more conflict in her now. I just had to be persistent. 

The possessive beast in me was still scorned however… he would be much more exacting. 

A bitter fear still gnarled it’s way in. That even if she turned, she wouldn’t want me. 

But I shoved it away.

My thoughts were interrupted by an incoming transmission from the  _ Night Buzzard _ .

Kijimi. What the hell would she be there for? 

It didn’t matter. I ordered the jump.

Night raids were already in progress by the time my boots hit the ground, but the settlement seemed to erupt into further panic at the sight of the  _ Finalizer _ . It was snowy and frigid, an unpleasant place. I could feel her, she was there. But where?

I’d already stormed several buildings when  _ finally _ I felt that tether between us and I  _ pulled.  _ The connection opened, mercifully. I couldn’t see her surroundings, but she appeared in front of me facing away from me. 

“I pushed you in the desert because I needed to see it. I needed you to see it. Who you are. I know the rest of your story. Rey.” 

She spun around to face me in surprise, her guard up immediately. 

“You're lying.” She replied firmly. 

Frustrating girl. Why wouldn’t she see reason when I presented it to her repeatedly? 

“I never lied to you. Your parents were no one. They chose to be. To keep you safe. It’s there in your memories.” I kept my cool.

She decided she wasn’t interested in my conversation, lighting her saber and swinging it downward wildly as she yelled, “No!” 

I parred easily, and while her defense was down, surged into her mind to find a memory I knew would be locked away there somewhere. 

“Remember them. See them.” I said calmly, immersing us into the newly surfaced memory. 

_ A woman in her twenties with light brown hair and a blue cloak, beautiful despite her dirt and tear stained cheeks, knelt in front of a small, female child with brown hair in triple buns.  _

_ She spoke, “My love. Rey, be brave.”  _

_ She wiped away the child’s tears with her thumbs. A man also in his twenties stood beside the woman. He had brown hair as well, and looked unshaven, tired.  _

_ His hazel eyes were glassy as he croaked, “You'll be safer here. I promise.”  _

_ They both clutched the child in a hug. _

_ The scene shifts, now a male Crolute clutches the child’s arm tightly as she struggles against him and the desert sand. She cries and reaches for the sky- after a ship entering the atmosphere.  _

_ “Come back! No!” The little girl sobs. _

Rey stood unnaturally still, as though in shock. 

“They sold you to protect you.” I told her.

I felt some sort of fondness, affection maybe? And appreciation. I softened, wondering if this was to be the moment. Had I broken through? 

Then it turned sharply into anger, hurt, distrust. 

She swung again ferociously, I blocked. 

Over the hissing of the blades, I said, “Tell me where you are. You don't know the whole story. It was Palpatine who had your parents taken. He was looking for you. But they wouldn't say where you were. So he gave the order.” 

_ It’s the woman again, Rey’s mother. She and the father were inside of a ship with an orange skinned humanoid male with strange slits for eyes.  _

_ “She's not on Jakku. She's gone.” She insisted, her voice trembling.  _

_ The alien was displeased, he stabbed the father in response. The father crumbled to the ground clutching his wound, the woman rushed to catch him.  _

_ “No!” She cried.  _

_ She turned to look at the alien again as he approached, stabbing her as well. She grunted in pain and slumped over the father. _

Rey yanked her blade free, drawing it in a long stroke past our bodies. It collided with something solid. I heard the muted thud in the snow, and turned to look. 

My grandfather’s helmet. 

She was in my quarters? How? Hmm. That would do fine, expedient really. 

“So that's where you are... You know why the Emperor’s always wanted you dead.” 

Tears leaked from her eyes as she still stubbornly refused to acknowledge reality, “No.” 

I had seen the recognition in her eyes, she knew who the alien was and the ship they were on. It was the ship she sought in the Pasaana desert.

“I’ll come tell you.” I replied calmly, cutting the connection. 

I turned and stalked away, finding the nearest stormtrooper. 

“She was in my quarters, lock down the ship.” I ordered. 

He stuttered out an affirmation and scurried away.

By the time I got into the hangar, I could see her cornered, in the midst of what looked like an escape attempt. What had she come here for? She reminded me of a frightened animal, like prey caught in a trap. 

Fear simmered in the air, she knew she had nowhere to go. Yet, part of her remained defiant, and a smaller part, curious. She wanted to know what I knew. Her resolve firmed. 

“Why did the Emperor come for me? Why did he want to kill a child? Tell me.” She demanded more than asked. 

“Because he saw what you would become. You don't just have power. You have his power. You're his granddaughter. You are a Palpatine.” I replied coolly.

I watched the shock ripple across her features for just a second before continuing, “My mother was the daughter of Vader. Your father was the son of the Emperor. What Palpatine doesn't know is we're a dyad in the Force, Rey. Two that are one.” 

Her lovely face softened with acceptance. There was no denying it, she knew deep down it was true. Her shock ebbed only slightly, mixing with confusion as she processed what she’d just learned. 

“We'll kill him together and take the throne.” I told her boldly. 

This was it, I could feel it in my bones. The final appeal, I just had to figure out the right words. 

“I let my mother, the Resistance, live for your sake. So you could see for yourself that you didn’t belong there. But it all must be dismantled, destroyed. In order to fix this galaxy.” The pitch of my voice rising with passion, more assured than ever that her darkness would beckon her to my cause. 

Rey shook her head in denial of my words, “It needs liberation, not destruction.” She countered. 

“We’ll destroy the systems of oppression, restore order, and finally attain true peace.” I argued. 

Together, no one could oppose us. We could save the hapless, selfish inhabitants of the galaxy from themselves.

I finally removed my helmet, a gesture of trust. I wanted her to see my face, to know I was earnest. 

“You know what you need to do. You know.” I breathed, I could feel it trickling through the bond. 

That she agreed with me, she understood what I intended for my rule. Our rule. Yet, I felt dread and defiance bleeding through. 

Frustrated, I closed the distance between us, looking down at her as her mouth started to open, but I spoke first, “They don’t see the darkness in you, they’d reject you. They have to. There’s no room for darkness with them. I accept you, all of you. I can show you the way. I would listen to you. Give you a voice louder than they could ever offer you. I’ll be what you need Rey, just let me.” I pleaded, and I was not a man who pleaded for anyone. 

My mind harkened back to the throne room incident. Her conflict, and ultimately, her rejection of my offer. 

What did she want? What else could I possibly offer to her? How could I convince her? 

She scoffed at me. “The great Supreme Leader begging after a nobody.” 

She averted her eyes, refusing to look at me. Disgust, hurt, distrust, fear, rejection, sadness. The emotions were fast and hard, shifting and melding. They were hers. 

Then, it dawned on me. Hit me like a freighter crashing into the sea full speed. 

She was an emotional creature. Power wasn’t her drive. My mind sped back to our heated little tryst. Lust. Possession. 

Ahch-To. The stolen touches, gestures. Affection. Companionship.

I hadn’t offered her what she really wanted in the throne room. 

After all that had transpired… could she still want me? If I offered myself, my heart, would she take it? But really… Was there anything left to lose? 

My stomach clenched in anxiety, outright fear. The beast screamed against it, she’d already betrayed my heart. She turned to someone else. She would reject me, and devastate me again. It didn’t matter what I offered. 

But for once, I let my brain override my fears and hesitation. This was all that was left to give, it made sense. I had to try it, lest I always look back in regret. 

_ “No, just a man pining after the one he loves. His everything.”  _ I spoke directly into her mind.

There were no words for what I felt then. 

She didn’t even attempt to hide the surprise written all over her face. I extended my hand, palm up, into the short space between our bodies. I looked down at her small hands fisted at her side. They trembled, and the exposed skin of her upper arms pebbled, almost as though she was cold. 

Her mind drifted back, I heard her voice from a memory talking to someone.  _ “I need someone to show me my place in all of this.”  _

She was wondering where her place was. I knew the answer. 

_ “Your place is by my side, Rey.” _ I replied softly into her mind. 

\-------------------------------------------------

Rey’s POV

_ Kijimi/Finalizer _

With C3PO gone, the group despaired. Only amplified when the  _ Finalizer _ suddenly showed up over the settlement. We tore back and forth on what to do, but something inside told me I had to go to Ren. To do what, I wasn’t sure. 

The conflict within me still raged, I needed help and I knew that. But would it mean betraying everything I’d fought for? Everything I once thought made me who I am? Who was I anymore anyway? 

But with the dagger destroyed along with Chewie, there was only one option left I could think of. I was sure Ren would have a wayfinder, or know where to find one. At minimum, I could extract that. 

I just needed to get on board. 

Zorii was surprisingly helpful, and ended up offering me a captain’s medallion on the condition I find a way to make the  _ Finalizer _ leave. I agreed. 

The boys insisted on coming with me, but I refused. While I was certain I could escape with my life, I couldn’t promise that of theirs and I wouldn’t risk it. I told them to go back to base, and wait for me there. Poe was especially reluctant, almost as though he sensed my dread. 

Truthfully, whether I joined Ren or not, I didn’t intend to return to the Resistance. I knew how that would end. It might hurt Poe a little now, and my friends might be saddened for a while. But in the long run, I’d save them from much more pain and suffering. They were tough and persistent. They’d find a way without me. 

I gave each of the boys a kiss on the cheek, and one last long hug. I would miss them. But I gathered my strength and parted from them.

Getting on board with the medallion was efficient, mind tricking troopers along the way wasn’t a challenge either. 

I followed the draw of the shadow once on board. There were objects there steeped in Sith magics, I could sense them. Surely, one would probably be a wayfinder. 

I arrived outside a locked door, but easily overrode it’s computer and slinked inside. It was an antechamber of some sort, mostly white durasteel with a small viewport on the far side. There were raised columns and tables scattered around. The ruined mask of Darth Vader on a pedestal held my gaze for a long moment. But I finally set to work looking for something like the drawing of a wayfinder in Luke’s journal.

Suddenly, I heard the synthesized voice of Ren behind me. I startled, spinning around. 

I’d been caught. 

It took me a few seconds to realize, he wasn’t really there. It was another Force connection. 

I didn’t want to hear his words, and I rejected the possibility of their truth. I activated my lightsaber and struck out. It only seemed to egg Ren on further, to the point he forced up a memory from the deep recesses of my mind. A memory I had no knowledge of, I had never seen before, but knew was mine. 

I went rigid as my mind struggled to cope with what I’d been shown. 

Somehow, I was moved that Ren had discovered this information, and wanted to give it to me as some kind of offering. He could be such a sweet, brooding simpleton. But he was only a fool about women. Nothing was ever freely given when it came to that man. He would want something in return. To manipulate me somehow. 

Damn him. 

I swung my blade again, he blocked.

He demanded my location, insisting he had more information. 

Palpatine was behind my parents’ death? The reason they never returned for me? My blood boiled. I already hated that foul creature for setting me on this wild goose chase, now I had more reason than ever. Why was he looking for me? 

Ren showed me a vision of their death from his memory. 

Why did Palpatine have my parents killed for defying him? I was unbearably sad, confused, and so,  _ so _ angry. 

I jerked my blade free from Ren’s, but overexerted. My saber crashed through a pedestal behind me, Darth Vader’s mask fell. Ren watched it fall to the ground with interest. 

He hadn’t been able to see my surroundings, nor I his. But now he knew exactly where I was. 

There was something he expected me to realize from the vision and what he’d told me. Was he thinking I’d guess why some long thought dead emperor wanted me dead? But I dreaded the implication I was involved. Surely some worse information was at the threshold. I deeply wanted to know, but I also didn’t. 

Tears of frustration and loss escaped me, burning my cheeks. I knew Ochi was a Sith assassin, and now knew he killed my parents. But why me? What was my role in all this?

“I’ll come tell you.” Ren said, sounding more like a threat than a promise.

The connection slammed shut, and a surge of fear rushed through me. 

My panicked brain started screaming,  _ ‘You don’t want to know, just get out of here! Danger Danger!’ _ . My body complied, my feet thrusting me toward the hangar with renewed vigor. I avoided hallways sure to be full of troopers, I had no time for that. Electing to take a shortcut and scale down a wall the final stint into the hangar. 

The adrenaline was thrumming in my veins, my fear started to ebb as I sprinted toward the nearest craft. I might slip away before he could catch me. 

Wrong. 

Waves of troopers flooded into the hangar from all directions, even down the gangplank of the ship I intended to commandeer just seconds ago. I was surrounded on all sides, there were too many to trick.

Only a moment later, he arrived. 

Dammit all. 

My fear was back full force. I needed help with my darkness, but my instincts screamed against this place. I couldn’t just surrender. Or should I? My mind listed back and forth- _ ‘Join him’, ‘Run!’, ‘Join him’, ‘Run!’ _ . Why couldn’t I be more decisive? They were both impossible choices, maybe that was the true dilemma. 

I wasn’t going to let him see my weakness though. And he’d said he’d tell me. So I intended to find out why Palpatine wanted me dead.

I don’t know what I had expected, but for him to say he was my grandfather was not it. I stared at him dumbly. 

But he wasn’t done. He had an answer for the connection between us too.

A dyad. Two beings that shared one soul. 

Some intangible part of me recognized his words as the truth, somewhere deep inside me. They shattered me, emptied me of everything I thought I knew. Some of the anger and outrage diffused from my body. Like air from a balloon. Fighting Ren truly was futile all along. That was the tether between us, constantly drawing us back to each other. 

But what was I supposed to do with that knowledge? What did it mean for my future? He wanted power, to usurp the phantom Emperor. He  _ deeply _ wanted to rule. He again insisted I didn’t belong with the Resistance and that all had to be destroyed. 

And I rejected that firmly. 

But he didn’t relent, instead explaining exactly what he intended to do. He removed his helmet finally. I hated that stupid thing. He looked more vulnerable, more uncertain. 

“You know what you need to do. You know.” He said in a low voice. 

He was right, it was what was needed. I knew. But what part did he intend for me to play? I wouldn’t be his ‘apprentice’ and beholden to his whims. I would not be used. I was not a weapon or a plaything. I started to tell him off, but then he was suddenly in my space, looming over me. 

“They don’t see the darkness in you, they’d reject you. They have to. There’s no room for darkness with them. I accept you, all of you. I can show you the way. I would listen to you. Give you a voice louder than they could ever offer you. I’ll be what you need Rey, just let me.” 

Was he...begging? 

I scoffed. I already knew I couldn’t stay with the Resistance, but his desperation for my power turned my stomach. 

“The great Supreme Leader begging after a nobody.” I muttered, turning my gaze away to stare at the durasteel floor bitterly. 

Be what I needed? My mind conjured up his wild face when he’d said,  _ “You need a teacher!” _ What the hell did he know about what I  _ needed _ ? 

This man, who’d proclaimed I was a nobody with no place in the story of this galaxy. Who spurned me on more than one occasion. No, I didn’t want to rule beside the likes of him. He didn’t understand anything. 

It was never about power. I never wanted to rule anything. 

_ “No, just a man pining after the one he loves. His everything.” _ He spoke into my mind, his voice so heavy with emotion. 

My jaw dropped. 

My skin broke out into gooseflesh, and I stared at the hand he extended for me between us. I knew I was trembling, but reality felt far away for a moment.  _ He loved me?  _ My world’s axis tilted. There was no doubt that he meant it, I could feel it. 

My mind drifted, back to a question that brought me such stress.  _ “I need someone to show me my place in all of this.”  _ Where was my place? Where was I supposed to be? What was I really fighting against? 

_ “Your place is by my side, Rey.”  _ His voice soothed, calm and comforting. 

I thought about my darkness, my bleeding powers. The chaos I was on the verge of causing. 

Love was all I had ever really wanted, but this power was thrust upon me. To fight it, to waste it, it seemed selfish of me. The reality of what Ren proposed was rational. I didn’t care about ruling, but if I was honest, I loved him too. That wild passion and ravenous intensity in him. The horrid, the wonderful. The duality of him. 

An unkind, ungentle part of me wanted to possess him, smother him, consume him. I could have him. And he’d take satisfaction in me ruling beside him. That would please him. To use our power together, to reform the galaxy. In a way people might not choose, might not want, but was necessary. Even I could see that now. 

Luke was right to bow out and end the Jedi, the light versus dark was not only an inane and tired trope, but a futile one that would only perpetuate misery. Someone had to take the reins. The Republic had failed, the Empire had failed. The cycle just rinsed and repeated every so many decades.The only way to end the needless deaths, conflict, and destruction was through unequivocal power. We could do it. Together.

I took his hand.

Once I made the decision to say yes, once my hand touched his, it was as though a fog had been lifted. At that moment, I reached for the connection between us. He reached for it too. 

Something in me shifted. Clicked. As though the bond was truly and completely open, and it locked itself into place. It was right, it was whole, it was belonging, it was home. Everything changed, I could feel  _ all  _ of him. His energy didn’t just surround me anymore, it was in me too. 

I’d once called him selfish. That wasn’t true. I didn’t understand. 

He’d give it all to me. 

His undying love, loyalty, devotion. He saw me not only as a partner to rule with him, but as his other half- the one to complete him and make him whole. 

His pursuit of me was relentless, and though he fumbled throughout, it was with tremendous feeling on his part. 

A simpleton indeed. 

He appealed to me as he would another man. My own feelings and desires were unfathomable, because life had taught him love was never enough. That it couldn’t possibly be what I wanted. 

_ Feelings are selfish, you can’t lead with them, so don’t let them lead you. You should care about what’s best for the world. Don’t think so much about yourself. Think bigger. _

It was as though I saw a ghost of a younger Leia chastising a young Ben. I could  _ feel _ her lingering presence inside him, those words etched somewhere deep. She had taught him this. To repress personal feelings and desires, they had to come second to the greater good. 

_ Be tempered, be cool, be detached, be brave, be strong. Lead by example. Passion is for one’s work, not public displays. Work comes first. _

Echoes of a lonely childhood, of a mother too busy with a failing New Republic, rippled through me. 

Things I’d long wondered, things I’d long been confused by, I now knew. I now had the answers.

So many times he wanted to save me from hurt, rejection, disappointment. If I had understood at the time, would I have responded differently? He saw where people had failed him, he who was so much like me, and he had wanted to shield me from it. Circumvent the painful process.

Feelings of being surprised and overwhelmed percolated the air between us. All the confusion, pain, and wretchedness I had felt was washed away, replaced with powerful feelings resonating through my core. Purpose, drive, fervor. 

I felt a coolness in my blood, a  _ knowing _ . 

My life before was over, I’d burnt it all down. I was a firestorm that had run wild, growing more and more out of control. A threat, even to myself. Now all that was left behind were ashes, for a new Rey to rise from. 

_ “Lady Rey of the New Order.” _ Ren’s voice supplied calmly in my mind, his lips pulling to form a small smile. 

This was how it should have been all along. A true dyad.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Switching it up with some smut and fluff before we move on~

Again we boarded a turbolift together. 

It was heartbreakingly familiar. The feeling heavy between us at the memory of the last time we were together in one. 

Suddenly the bond was flooded with such stifling loneliness, fear, sadness, and such  _ want _ it tore the breath from my lungs. The bond had evolved such that now, our feelings were indiscernible, felt as one. 

I saw Kylo tremble, overcome by it as much as I. He mashed a button on the control panel, lurching the turbolift to an abrupt halt. 

Before my mind had time to register what he was doing, I was lifted and pressed roughly against the wall, his lips urgent and bruising on mine.  _ Gods, _ the way he crowded into me, I was burning alive for him already. 

His roughness did nothing to deter me, I matched his intensity. I was not gentle as my fingers made purchase in his ebony locks, or when I bit at his lip when he shifted to draw much needed oxygen into his lungs. 

Neither of us regarded or acknowledged the taste of tears leaking into our frantic kisses. We desperately had to quell these feelings we’d harbored in our hearts, I felt that instinctually. 

“ **Mine.** ” His voice was broken, but left no room for argument. 

I had laid claim to him long ago, but never given him the same spoken claim I knew his heart ached so acutely for. 

“ _ Yours. _ ” I relinquished myself softly, in earnest for the first time. 

He paused to look into my eyes and see the truth of it, his eyes glassy and his lips quivering with emotion. Fire built up in those hazel orbs again, a flare of hurt and anger and possession whipping around us as his lips seared down my neck, hands tearing at my clothing. 

I couldn’t find it in me to care as he ripped it away, somehow I secretly wanted him to erase all evidence of an existence of me without him as he tore apart the seams with frightening ease. 

He wanted me to bare my heart, my soul, and my body. Then he wanted me to surrender them all to him. 

Something wild and unhinged he kept buried within him had emerged finally, and demanded submission to balm it’s wounds. 

“ **Don’t leave me.”** His voice was strangled and angry at the column of my throat, hot tears dripping from his face and sliding over my collarbone before escaping down my bare chest. 

He bit into the soft flesh there between my neck and collar. I whimpered as my torn skin stung, but my fingers caressed his scalp, comforting him and encouraging him as he released the pain long strung between us. 

“ _ I won’t. _ ” I replied breathily, my voice hitching as his teeth sunk into the sensitive flesh of my breast. 

A tear fell from his face again, gliding to the peak of my breast. He stared dazedly at the glistening bead hanging precariously from my nipple. 

“ **Never** .” He insisted, less a question and more a demand as this time. I yelped as my nipple bore his attack this time.

These acts were somehow deeply cathartic, but perhaps something only we could understand. It was the most unbearably intimate thing I’d ever experienced, to surrender my body to his need in such a way. 

“ _ Never _ .” I echoed, gently cradling his head to my breast as he soothed the pert teat with the flat of his tongue. 

He left one hand holding me up against the wall, the other working deftly at his trousers to free himself. I knew what we were building to, even without the bond. I could feel my own arousal nearly dripping from me in anticipation. 

A ritualistic urge he had to reclaim me in every way possible. 

“Only me.” He locked me under his consuming gaze, my insides clenched in desire at the molten look in his eyes. 

“Only you.” I echoed, intoxicated by the pervasive lust enveloping us. 

All else was drowned out, leaving nothing but unshakable need and unwavering possession so potent and heavy it threatened to ooze from the air. 

And then, as roughly and urgently as he’d been so far, he desecrated my cunt with reckless abandon. His fingers pressed hard into the back of my thighs, pushing them so high my knees nearly touched the wall so he could bury himself to the hilt inside me over and over. 

His grunts and groans were raw and guttural, keeping a punishing pace as I tried to weather his storm of violent passion. 

Coy little mewling and moaning was entirely forgotten, outright screams and cries burst from me at the onslaught of animalistic pleasure. 

The only thing louder was the creaking, snapping, and crackling of the walls and electrical components around us that I felt trembling at my back or intermittent bursts of light behind him, but paid no heed to. 

With one last slam of his hips into me, he cried out in completion as I felt his cock throb, filling me. 

After catching his breath, he quietly and gently lowered me to my feet again. I could feel his spend leaking down my nude thighs. 

All was calm, the beast was soothed. 

He silently manipulated the control panel back together with the Force, with the ease of a person who’d done such before, and pressed the button to resume the upward motion of the lift. He then fixed his trousers before turning to me. 

I was filled with contentment and adoration then, as his eyes, now soft, appraised me. He undid his cloak from his shoulders, wrapping it completely around my nude form and lifting me bridal style in his arms. I sighed and closed my eyes, laying trustingly against his chest. 

I felt the swell of emotion as the gesture, the tightening of his fingers, how he pulled me ever so slightly closer to him. His forehead came to rest gently against mine, and didn’t move until the lift stopped. 

When the lift opened, he didn’t even spare a glance to the shreds of my former clothing on the floor, striding purposefully out into the hall. 

Once inside his chambers, I looked around silently as he carried me through an antechamber, I had been there earlier. 

But then further in were things I hadn’t seen- a lounge, a closed door, then through an open archway, a large bedchamber. There he deposited me gently onto his bed, and very efficiently disrobed himself. I admired his body as he moved, watching his muscles tense and relax as he removed the tunic. 

When he shed his undershirt finally, my desire slowly woke again at the sight of him. I took a deep breath to steady myself as I drank in his visage. 

His broad chest and shoulders a massive expanse of corded muscle, and long, strong arms flexing and twitching as he worked at his pants. Where one could say he lacked in definition, he made up in shear size. The way his body could completely eclipse and envelope me, was almost indescribable. As if nothing in the world could reach me unless he willed it. 

I’d tried to smother it, tried to replace it even. But locking him out, blocking the connection, I had only created a dormant volcano. The moment I saw him again, it began to rumble and shake. His touch, an eruption. The force, the power, the heat of it, was completely undeniable. There was no repressing it. 

I felt no shame, because I did care for Poe. I didn’t regret anything. But I knew unshakably in my bones, this is where I was meant to be. By his side.

I wished it hadn’t taken so long to realize that was the truth.

It took him short moments, and he was back peeling the cloak from my body. I almost whined at the loss of warmth, but he lifted me again, holding my nude form snugly against him without barrier this time. 

With my face to his bare chest, I could hear the steady thumping of his heart against my ear. 

He carried me into an adjoining fresher, sitting me on the countertop, then turning on the shower. 

He returned to the vanity, opening a drawer and pulling out something neatly packaged. Three small boxes, which he opened and handed each to me one at a time to smell. He didn’t have to speak, I knew already what he was asking. I wondered how long he’d had the soaps there waiting for me. 

_ “Too long.” _ He supplied softly into my mind. 

I picked one that smelled fruity and sweet, because it was the only of the scents I somewhat recognized. He handed it to me to hold, then lifted me again and carried me into the now refreshingly hot water. 

He finally let me down on my own two feet again. With his emotions settling, I could feel he now wanted to attend by body with such tenderness and devotion I thought I might be brought to tears again. 

He took the soap from my hands and lathered it in the water, leaving the bar on a ledge next to his, spending the duration of the shower caressing and cleaning every inch of my body with his hands. 

With unspeakable care, he gently slid his fingers between my sore folds, washing away the sticky mess slathered all over my nether region. He gently kissed over every bite he’d left behind, his lips feather soft on the reddened, abused skin. 

My core coiled and warmed again, how hopelessly I loved and craved all he was. Rough and wild, but so deliberate and tender too. He was a very complicated man. But I wanted all of it. It felt so good to give in, to let these feelings take hold of me. 

His eyes flicked up to mine, he sensed my desire. It magnified and grew, reverberating between us in the bond. 

His member grew hard against my belly, and I could feel the slickness begin leaking from me again. He had taken before, and now he wanted to give. He turned me around, my nipples instantly erect at contact with the cold metal wall. 

He crowded into me again, his lips warm as his tongue salved my neck, one hand pulling me back against him and snaking around my waist, the other dancing up my abdomen to cup my uninjured breast and tweak the nipple. 

With a small gasp of pleasure and approval, I relaxed and surrendered again to his will. 

As one hand continued to roam and grope my upper body, the other delved into my sex again, rubbing at my clit and teasing at my entrance. He knew what I wanted instantly, and didn’t make me beg this time. 

He stooped slightly, spreading me from behind. I felt his hot tip lined up at my opening, then with a leisurely push, he buried himself inside me again. As he pushed into me, he stood to his full height with one arm around my hips pulling me up with him until his cock was fully seated in my throbbing pussy as he pressed me into the wall. 

I was already sore from the rough turbolift rutting, but it was like rubbing out an overworked muscle. His languid thrusts made me want to sob at the feeling of relief as my orgasm built steadily, then overtook me abruptly. 

Without ceremony, he shut off the water and withdrew from me, much to my chagrin. 

But he was filled with purpose, he was far from done. He folded a towel around himself, then began drying me, herding me back toward the bed. 

When my heels hit the bed frame, he wordlessly pushed me down on my back and he kneeled next to the bed. He grabbed the back of my knees and dragged me to him, tossing them casually onto his shoulders as his face descended on my swollen cunt and he began devouring me like a man’s last meal. 

I cried out at the shock, still overwhelmingly sensitive from my orgasm just minutes ago, but being rushed to the precipice again. 

I yanked at the blankets bunched in my fists as my hips bucked involuntarily into his face as I somehow managed to come again, my body racked with sensations far beyond coherent thought. 

A vague inkling drifted through my mind of the first time he pleasured me in his bed. I wasn’t sure how much more my body could take, but damned if I wouldn’t find out. 

He saw the memory a split second after I’d recalled it, and he obediently rose and tossed himself back down on the bed. I propped myself up and flipped over, admiring his imposing erection standing proudly waiting for me as I tossed a leg over his broad waist. 

A noise of desire rumbled in his chest as he watched me grip his thick member with my small hand, notching it against my entrance. 

He sighed loudly as I sunk down and sheathed his cock, and as he had once before, he pushed my trembling thighs further apart to get just a little deeper. 

I don’t think I would ever tire of the immensely full feeling, my walls struggling to stretch and accommodate his girth. I leaned forward over him and he cupped my ass with both hands, egging me on as I gyrated, lifting his head up to suck and nibble at my breasts as the tiny mounds giggled in his face. 

Impossibly, another wave was building, readying to crash me into ecstasy again. He felt it immediately, and picked up pace beneath me, meeting my thrusts with persistence and groaning loudly beneath me. 

I could feel him swelling again inside me, ready to fall into oblivion with me. My pussy pulsed and ached with the desire to be full of his cum again.

A long, white hot sensation ripped through my body from my toes to my scalp and I held on for dear life.

“Yes- Oh gods- Fuck yes-“ I clung to him, my fingers fisted painfully tight in his hair as I cried out one final time, “Kylo!” 

I felt a snap somewhere in the bond, as his hips jerked and he cried out equally loud in a forceful orgasm, burying his face in my chest. 

The way his dick throbbed caused a delicious feeling inside me I couldn’t describe. 

He collapsed beneath me, and I atop him. I was so full I could feel the mixed spend leaking out already, even with him still inside me. 

A sudden and intense myriad of feelings rushed around us on the tail of it- excitement, joy, adoration, disbelief. I was slightly confused, waiting for some explanation to bloom in my awareness. 

Hesitance. 

Then it came. 

He recognized a final act of acceptance, that made this all truly real to him. Something simple that hadn’t even occurred to me. 

I called out his chosen name. 

His thoughts were disordered and he couldn’t put words to how it had made him feel. He gave up on the words. 

His fingers lifted my chin to angle my face so his lips could claim mine in a painfully sweet kiss. When I finally looked into his eyes, they were so... vulnerable, lost, happy. I brought my hand up to caress his cheek, and his eyes fluttered closed to savor the contact. 

_ “I love you. All of you.” _ I whispered into his mind. 

His eyes opened, his lips quivered again and his jaw clenched and unclenched. 

“I love you, Rey. Until every star in the galaxy burns out, I’ll love you. And if there is life beyond that, I’ll love you then too.” He proclaimed out loud, as if to emphasize the depth of his feeling. 

\--------------------------------

I couldn’t be sure how long I’d been asleep, but I hoped Kylo hadn’t been awake watching me the whole time. He had gently prodded me awake, gathering me in his arms again and returning to the shower. My entire body felt gelatinous, and I was too tired to feel embarrassed about leaning against him for support. 

I hardly opened my eyes, tempted to fall asleep standing as he methodically washed me again, but most especially when his fingers worked deftly through my hair and massaged my scalp. 

Reluctantly, I leaned away from him to rinse the soap out of my hair, and finally opened my eyes. His face was passive, tugging me gently back into him as he leaned forward to cut the water off. 

This time, he was much more relaxed and took his time drying us both, and I passed the time peppering light kisses across his collarbone and shoulders. Once finished, he led me out of the fresher then into a closet full of black. I smiled to myself. I expected no less, honestly. 

He went to the very back and opened a small wardrobe. 

Again, I was struck by how dedicated he was all this time. It wasn’t a large assortment, and consisted of very practical garments, but they were very clearly several sizes too small to be his. 

A little color came to his cheeks as he regarded me, turning away so I wouldn’t see his face as he selected articles. 

“You were so cold. I ordered them discreetly and kept them here in case you needed appropriate clothing.” He murmured quietly.

I had hurt him at every turn, and here this man stood, with a wardrobe full of clothes with no other purpose but to be here for me in case I needed them. 

I felt the tears sting at my eyes, but he pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me. 

“Don’t cry, Rey. You’re here now, and all of it was worth it. Just like I knew it would be. All of that is behind us, there’s no reason to look backward with regrets.” He mumbled into my hair, kissing the crown of my head. 

I sighed and pulled back with a sniffle, and he pushed the offending liquid away from my eyes with his thumbs before leaning in and planting a chaste kiss on my lips. 

“Now, dress and I’ll send for dinner. I know you’re exhausted, I won’t keep you awake long, but you need to eat.” He handed me the items he’d selected and only paused briefly to pull on a set of black sweat pants of his own before striding out into his bedroom. 

Once dressed, I wandered out into the lounge area and found Kylo stretched out on a chaise reading from a datapad. I sat beside his knees and pointed to the hairbrush sitting in his lap. 

“Could I use that?” I asked. 

He sat the pad down on the end table, spreading his legs and beckoning me to sit between them. 

I complied, and didn’t argue when I felt his intention to brush my hair. I blushed a little, picking at my fingers as he untangled and smoothed my hair carefully. 

The door lock disengaged accompanied by the sound of a droid whirring quietly, bringing in a covered tray and depositing it on a small table nearby. 

When we sat down to eat and he removed the cover, my anxiety surged. I didn’t know what any of this was. 

But, before I could worry over it, I felt the knowledge and recognition- even the taste and texture- trickle into my mind. I smiled. It reminded me of the way I’d absorbed some of his lightsaber training and technique. That felt like so long ago. Like a different world almost. That we could share things that went so far beyond a simple thought still left me in awe.

I had the wherewithal to still feel a bit low brow and inexperienced in comparison to him though. He had a much more diverse life, full of so many things I had- “Yet. Things you have yet to experience. But will.” He finished my thought for me, effectively derailing my woe. The way he looked at me through his lashes as he ate a piece of muja fruit made my insides tremble. 

I stabbed a thick brown chunk with some kind of sauce on my fork. I now knew it was Chandrillian tendermeat, and that it was one of his favorites. When I took a bite, my toes curled in delight and I groaned softly to myself. I had never tasted something so good in all my life.

I looked up at Kylo, to find a full on smile on his face as he watched me. My cheeks burned red in embarrassment, and I tried to fight the nervous smile threatening my lips. Had I ever seen him smile? Certainly not like that. Breathless and happy. 

I tried to ignore it and devoured at least one of everything with enthusiasm. I had forgotten how hungry I was. I couldn’t even remember when my last meal was. His elation was consistent, and he watched me quietly, idly eating his fruit. 

Something occurred to me suddenly. “My bag!” I exclaimed, my eyes darted to meet his in panic. 

His brows furrowed in confusion, but the image in my mind of the bag's contents slid across the bond before I realized it. 

He chuckled loudly. 

“I have plenty of sweaters, it’s okay if you lost it. You’re welcome to claim a different one if you want.”

I pouted, ducking my head to eat the little custard again. It was foreign and uncomfortable to share my vulnerabilities with someone in such an intimate way. It made me feel childish.

“I think it’s sweet, that you treasured it secretly. I’m flattered that you had such a sentimental attachment to something of mine.” His warm tone smoothed my frayed nerves. 

I guess I could live with that.

When I finished eating, a large yawn escaped me. 

“Come on, rest up for tomorrow.” He murmured, holding my hand lazily as we made our way back to the bedroom.

I climbed in beside him, and wordlessly he knew what I wanted again. He pulled me in snug against his chest, face to face. His hand worked through my semi dry hair, peppering my face with soft kisses. 

It made my heart hurt in a strange way.

It was so nice it brought tears to my eyes. I felt safe. Not terrified, and alone, and desperate. 

His lips found mine with overwhelming tenderness. I melted into his embrace, his affection, his love. 

When he pulled away, he nestled me against his chest, resting his chin on the top of my head.

“I’ve got you. You’re mine now. You’ll never be alone again, and you’ll never want for anything. I promise.” He whispered as I drifted off.

I was confident I was the most thoroughly loved woman in all of the galaxy.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO sorry for the wait y'all. I've had a very busy couple weeks in my personal life and a major creative slump there for a hot minute. I don't believe in forcing my writing, so I took a little break until my muse cooperated again.
> 
> That said, I really hope you all enjoy this chapter!

Rey’s POV

_ Finalizer _

Kylo rose early in the morning, I found myself missing his warmth the minute he left the bed. He insisted I sleep as long as I liked, his day was packed with meetings anyway. He left with the promise of training together before dinner.

I still had a lot of questions, resurfacing now that my mind was becoming more clear. It had always been hard to think straight with him in close proximity. But before I could ponder much, I was interrupted by a droid as I dressed in the closet.

“Shall I bring your breakfast, mistress?” It asked in a pleasant, but digitized voice.

I felt caught, as though I were a thief with it’s master’s clothing in my clutches. I held the large sweater tight to my chest reflexively, but relaxed when I remembered droids had no real sense of modesty. It didn’t question what I was doing.

It had a slightly feminine look and voice, but the body of the droid was streamlined. It balanced on one wheel instead of legs, with glossy white plating covering the heart shaped chest, arms, and head. It had two large, yellow eye receptors and a small vocabulator where a mouth would be.

“Yes, thank you.” I responded simply, and it promptly left.

My body was still sore from the rough activities and thorough use of the day before, and I wondered about the dark marks sure to be there, but I decided to inspect that later. I put on a simple pair of leggings and a t-shirt from my wardrobe, but especially seeing as Kylo said it was alright, I pulled on the eagerly claimed, ridiculously huge, sweater over top. 

By the time I came into the lounge just minutes later, the droid was already back with a covered tray, sitting it on the table again. 

“Mistress Rey, I was instructed to notify you that a tailor will be arriving to meet with you in 1 standard hour.” it informed me, then bowed slightly and left again without waiting for a response.

A tailor? Well, I’d need other pieces I supposed. What Kylo had tucked away for me were only very basic and practical items. After all, I would be ‘Lady Rey’ from now on. I guessed that would mean I’d need fancier robes. 

I dreaded that a little, because a scavenger had no use for heels and dresses, and thus wouldn’t know what to do with them. But, part of me was excited despite that. I’d always quietly wondered what it must be like to feel so womanly and refined. Words I’d never use to describe myself.

When I sat down and removed the cover, I realized Kylo wasn’t close enough to draw on again. I could feel him on the ship, but this meal would just have to be a self discovery. There was a small plate of a fluffy white and yellow substance, another small plate of some type of bread, then another with some kind of fruits. 

To my dismay, I only recognized one fruit, because it had appeared to be Kylo’s favorite at dinner- Muja fruit. Another was a light yellow and slightly green, when I cut it open it was a pale cream color inside and tasted sweet. Another was a reddish-orange color with a thick rind. The skin tasted horrible, but I found if I peeled that off, the soft orange flesh inside was juicy and sweet.

As for the fluffy white and yellow stuff, it was savory and vaguely reminded me of meat. Maybe it was some kind of ration I’d never come across? Whatever it was, I enjoyed it. Much better than any instant protein I’d had before.

When I finished, I still had time before the tailor would appear, and I nervously fidgeted not knowing what to do. I decided after a few minutes to wash my face, and hopefully brush my teeth. I figured I could poke around and find the items I needed in his fresher. He was always so prepared.

And I was right- he had left out a face cloth, toothbrush, and paste for me on the vanity. He was thoughtful, I’d give him that. 

As I expected, I saw one large, lurid blue-purple bruise peeking out from the crew neck. I knew the tailor would say nothing about it, but it still brought heat to my cheeks wondering what they would think.

As clean as I had probably been in years, I sat tentatively on the chaise in the lounge, fiddling with the ends of my hair. Sitting still was not a skill of mine. I really just wanted to get this over with.

My mind drifted off, and I found myself thinking of that beautiful boy from the vision. 

I hoped he would still exist somehow. That this way, I could provide for him and protect him. He would be so strong with the Force, he would struggle without someone to guide him. Without us. I had to find a way. Kylo would protect him too. We both knew what it meant to feel alone. To feel abandoned by our parents.

_ “My, so protective of him already.”  _ Dark Rey’s voice was in my head this time, she didn’t appear. 

It must’ve been because Kylo was in such close proximity. I’d hoped with the bond fully open she’d disappear forever, but she still lingered. Weaker though, to be sure. 

“Of course I am. He’s mine. I love him.” I replied tersely. 

_ “But he’s Kylo’s too. He could already be inside you… do you feel him?”  _

My face flushed instantly. That gave me pause. 

No, it would be absolutely impossible to know yet. I’d barely been with Kylo a full day and night. I shook the thought away. She was just messing with me again. 

My temper flared, ready to have at it, but then dissipated when I could no longer feel her presence. She was gone already?

A new thought struck me though. 

Had Kylo seen him too? He was always so certain I’d be with him. Was that why? It gave me some comfort to think that he had, and he held onto that while we were apart. 

Should I bring it up to him? I wasn’t sure.

When the tailor finally arrived, the same droid entered to announce him before he appeared in the doorway. I noted that I should get it’s name, it must be Kylo’s personal droid.

The man entered, a Mirialan from the looks of it. I’d read about them, but never met one before. 

He wore the typical crisp black uniform of the First Order. He had flawless yellow-green skin spattered with stark black tattoos. His lips were a strange shade of blue, and his eyes were a deep violet. His expression was...apathetic at best. 

“That-” he looked at the large sweater that hung over my small frame skeptically, “will need to be removed, mistress.”

I sighed, but complied.

He took many measurements, but spoke little at first. He tapped away at a datapad entering the measurements and compiling a list of other basic garbs to order according to my sizes.

Then, the fun part. I let myself enjoy picking the materials and design for my ‘battle gear’ as he called it. He showed me various fire retardant and reinforced textiles, suggesting some armored inserts here and there as we went. 

Once satisfied with that, the intimidating part began. Frilly, fluffy, silky fabrics of all kinds were rolled into the room by his stubby little assistant droid. He finally smiled, and I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not.

They were like gowns, but… disassembled. He stuck various pieces onto me- long stiff sleeves with structured shoulders, a skin tight bodice, and a long stiff skirt. The designs were intricate, but clearly unfinished, even to my unrefined eye. 

“Is this your idea?” I asked carefully, not wanting to offend the first person I met on board.

“No, mistress. It is according to the Supreme Leader’s instructions.” He replied bluntly, continuing to pinch and pin the monstrosity around my hips.

While I appreciated Kylo’s taste and the refinement that came with his breeding, his design was not going to work for me. 

It was much too restrictive, I felt like I could hardly breathe. I decided firmly that he would have to tolerate me modifying it.

“So, you call me ‘mistress’, what does that mean exactly?” I tried not to sound as ignorant as I was.

He seemed dumbstruck by the question, however. 

“We are all instructed to treat you as equal to the Supreme Leader, you have ultimate authority and control over… anything you want to, I imagine.” He shrugged a little, but his body language was still stiff and uncomfortable.

I pursed my lips in thought. He’d given me my out on this ridiculous get up.

“Very well. Then I can make modifications, right?” I asked with a grin. 

The tailor fought a smile, I could tell. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe it was a little needy, but that need had long since turned to want, and a mischievous idea had taken root while waiting for Kylo’s return. With a grin, I spied Kylo’s tunic from the day before. 

The droids hadn’t fetched the laundry yet. 

I snatched it up and tossed it onto the bed, then stripped myself completely nude. 

I pulled the rough surface across my soft skin, enjoying the feel of it. So dense and heavy and scratchy. Befitting of its owner. I pulled the collar toward my nose and inhaled deeply. As I had hoped, it smelled so strongly of him and caused heat to pool in my belly. 

Just as he promised, he appeared a couple standard hours before one would reasonably eat dinner.  I could feel his energy envelop all free space immediately. I could hear his purposeful stride as he crossed the main chamber. The door to his adjacent office opened and closed. 

_ “I won’t be much longer.” _ His voice caressed my mind. 

But my emotions were held back, he didn’t know my intentions. Not yet. 

I approached, and the door obediently opened. Kylo glanced my way boredly, turning his eyes back to a data pad, then suddenly snapped back to me. 

I grinned devilishly, knowing the front of his tunic hung open baring my body from clavicle to pelvis. His lips parted as if to speak, but nothing came forth for a moment. He blinked hard and his eyes hungrily roved over me head to toe. 

He pushed back his chair from the desk and turned it to face me. 

“You look better in that than me.” He murmured in a husky voice. 

I let a hand idly trace down my belly. “I need you.” I whispered back. 

“Oh, well, in that case...” he trailed off as he pushed his hips forward and slouched in his seat to undo his trousers and free his member, nearly fully erect already. 

“Please, take a seat, I’m at your service.” He said with a smirk, gesturing to his lap. 

I felt bold, yet nervous too. I giggled and bit my lip, crossing the distance between us. 

I tossed one leg across his vast waist, but before I could seat myself atop him, his lips were wrapped around a nipple. As he sucked and nibbled, earning low moans of approval with my hands winding into his locks, he had one hand on my waist and another on his cock guiding me down. 

Each time, that heavenly pressure as his tip pushed against my lips, struggling to spread me open so it could bury in me, nearly made my eyes roll back out of my head. And when he breached my slick folds to stretch me tight around his cock again, I called out loudly in delight. 

He craned his neck to continue his ministrations on my breasts as I feverishly gyrated against him, chasing ecstasy. His erection was rock hard and unyielding as I mercifully impaled myself over and over, eliciting breathy moans and grunts from his lips across my sternum. 

“Cum for me Kylo, fill me full.” I demanded lustfully, our eyes meeting in a daze. 

His jaw tightened, “oh I’m gonna fill you up, dirty girl.” He ground out as his hands gripped my hips with punishing force, now lifting and pulling me himself with gusto, our skin slapping and echoing loudly in the small room. 

I held on to his shoulders until he finally relented with a final slam of his hips into mine and a loud, deep, grunt. 

A liquid heat bloomed in my core, and his spend slowly trickled out down my thigh. 

I didn’t have time to think about it, my brain was overcome with the flood of primal instinct to orgasm. All I could think about was cumming while I was stuffed full. 

He must’ve sensed it, because he didn’t hesitate, immediately resuming furious ministrations as I rocked against him. I arched into him and threw my head back, giving into the wash of sensation buzzing through my bloodstream. 

Back and forth. Back and forth. 

Until finally, the wave surged down over me, and my vision went black as my pussy clenched and convulsed around him. 

I tried to cling to him to stay upright, but my body felt limp. Fortunately, his hands wound around me firmly, pulling me in to lay against him. He sighed deeply, his contentment ringing clear through the bond. 

The feelings of love and pleasure swirling violently all around us left me dizzy. My brain felt like it was swimming. I chuckled to myself. Was this where the expression love drunk came from? 

“Well, shall we tidy up and go train? No way I can focus on this again right now.” He pushed away the data pad with a rueful chuckle and lifted me to my feet as he stood. 

Once clothed, I was eager to get to the training room. 

Kylo insisted I wear a cowl of his in the hallways, and he was leery whenever anyone crossed paths with us. I thought it was a bit funny, honestly. I didn’t find myself that appealing. But, he was pretty preoccupied with the idea they would find looking at my body too tempting to resist.

But inside the well appointed training room, I shrugged it off quickly. The leggings and tank top were a perfect fit, and I was ready to work up a sweat and burn off some of my stress and anxiety from the huge transition happening in my life. 

He snatched training sabers from a bin and tossed one to me.

He didn’t have to talk, through the bond I could see his intent, and we flowed through the forms he had been taught one by one in perfect sync. 

After several rounds, he threw up a mental wall and started pushing me through scenarios, showing me which form was perfect for each type of blow and defense. 

Something about it was soothing, the methodical system. Slowing down and actually learning about what I’d mostly been doing off wild instinct and incomplete, stolen, knowledge. It was also so interesting to see him adapt and use different techniques he had never utilized in our encounters. 

His go-to was brash, aggressive, and domineering. Gain ground, beat down the opponent. But, now, without the heat of battle on our necks, I saw a careful and dynamic side to his prowess. In the moment, he knew how to play to his strengths and he defaulted to that. But he recognized, as I did, a unique advantage we could now capitalize on- each other.

Still, with the bond, I couldn’t say it was something we really needed to practice. But, it was a welcome physical exertion and release for both of us to work in tandem through mock battle scenes.

Just as in the throne room, it was effortless. Like a well oiled machine run many, many times before. It felt like my blood sang, every nerve ending was excruciatingly  _ alive _ and buzzing with excitement.

Kylo spun and engaged me as a mock enemy again. I was getting tired, as was he, and it was getting more difficult to push back against the physical weight of him bearing down on me.

I could feel something simmering in the air around us, as though the space between us was being suffused with our energy. It felt like every molecule sang with life and power, calling for me to wield it. 

Our sabers collided yet again, as I drew from the call I felt. In that split second of contact, I saw little sparks dancing across our training blades. Kylo startled hard, jumping back as though he had been shocked. 

My brow furrowed as I stared at my saber, wondering what had just happened and how. 

Before, it always happened so suddenly, I didn’t know where the bolts of lightning had come from inside me. Though I’d always suspected the connection to dark feelings, this was different. It was a slow build, something I could feel and choose to draw on. 

And I didn’t want to.

Those small sparks of electricity that had sprung forth from me just now were an unwelcome reminder of it’s devastating effects in previous use. I was strong with the Force and strong with my lightsaber. I didn’t need lightning, or whatever it was, and I didn’t want it.

Kylo must’ve seen the consternation on my face, and gracefully suggested we retire to our quarters and clean up for dinner.

_ Our  _ quarters.

That thought perked me up a little, helping me relax and shake off my doubts. I would have plenty of time to worry about the rest of that later.

Thankfully, he didn’t insist on the cowl again on the walk back. I was too sweaty for it, and too tired to argue with him over it. As I suspected, not a soul dared to look at me, and he was watching every one of them carefully.

“You go ahead and take your time. I have a few things I need to review that you  _ distracted _ me from earlier. I’ll send for dinner.” Kylo smirked as we walked through the lounge, parting to head for his office.

When I emerged clean, he passed me by with a quick peck, then disappeared into the fresher I’d just vacated. 

How nice it was to be able to clean myself daily. Whenever I wanted to, really. It was a luxury I’d certainly never had before and I appreciated it deeply. My skin seemed to like it too, it felt softer and looked clearer already. Not irritated and dry from being covered in grime and dirt all the time. 

I reclaimed his sweater I’d appropriated earlier from its hiding spot in my wardrobe. I didn’t want the droid to take it. I had just finished brushing out my hair when Kylo reappeared. He didn’t dally, that was for sure. He roughed up his hair with the towel, then tossed it into a bin near his closet. 

The droid had immaculate timing, striding purposefully to the table and depositing the tray containing our meals before disappearing again.

“What’s her name?” I asked as we sat at the table.

“The droid you mean? GG-42.” He replied simply, surveying the food.

I picked up a light yellow-green fruit like I had eaten at breakfast, focusing on it. Immediately, my brain knew it was shuura. The favorite fruit of his grandmother, according to Leia’s adopted family. Kylo eyed me curiously as I stared at it, and I put it down right away. 

“I changed your designs.” I said casually, waiting to see how he reacted.

“I know.” He was unphased, continuing to eat his meal quietly.

I faltered, not expecting such a disinterested and vague response.

“You’re not mad?” I asked tentatively, pushing the food around with my fork, but watching his face intently for some sign of irritation or disapproval.

“No.” His response came just as before.

It made me feel frustrated, his lack of engagement. Maybe a different topic then.

“I’ve been thinking about it today, I’m trying to be comfortable in the position I’ve found myself in, but I’m not yet… I don’t know what to say or how to act.” I admitted, squirming a little in my seat. 

He eyed me carefully for a moment before replying.

“You didn’t ‘find’ yourself in it. You’re in it because of your power, you earned it. There’s a time for kindness and equity, but also a time to remind people of their place. You’re stronger than they ever could be, and carry much more responsibility as a result. You deserve, and should demand, their respect and obedience.” He said firmly.

“Not everything is about power, not for me.” I shook my head in disagreement, feeling even more frustrated.

He looked at me cryptically, then a sort of weariness overcame his features. 

He sighed before replying, “Yes, I know that. But, you agreed to rule beside me. To lead. And I asked you to do that because you have the power to, we’re better and stronger together. It’s one thing to love you, I’m not discrediting that as my main desire for your presence. But, it wouldn’t be the reason I asked you to be by my side as a partner to reign.”

I knew he was right, I was getting caught up on semantics and letting myself be too needy. 

He loved me. He confirmed that in many ways, over and over. Why couldn’t I stop pushing for more? I needed to get a grip on that. He was right, I had a responsibility to the galaxy because of the power I’d been blessed with. It was reckless and neglectful to let it go to waste. 

I could soften some of his severity and scale back violence, and he’d toughen me up, show me how to think bigger like he did. We knew instinctively back in the hangar- together, we were the balance. 

“I hear what you’re saying, but… I’m just a desert rat. There’s nothing elegant about me. I’m not some brooding giant like you that intimidates people with sheer size,  _ if nothing else _ . How do I lead? How do I… treat people?” I tried not to fumble despite the rock in my stomach.

I hated the disparity between us. I wished I was some well-mannered and purposefully raised princess that was prepared for this type of role. I wished I knew how to do this, and not have such a conflict of conscience. 

“That is not true. You are not a rat. You’re a young woman, one that was neglected and mistreated, but all the same. You’re naturally beautiful, you don’t need all the pomp and circumstance for people to admire you, Rey.” He leaned forward, meeting my gaze to emphasize his words.

He sighed again, and leaned back, seemingly contemplating what he’d say next. 

“There are two ways to lead, through love or fear. People who understand our vision will love you, from afar, because of what you stand for and all that you do for them. People who stand in our way will fear you, because you will destroy them. As for how to treat them… you have a soft heart at times. Not everyone with a smile and kind words means you well. Keep people at a distance, don’t let them get familiar. The closer they are, the more they will try to exploit or undermine you.”

His brow furrowed and he shifted in his seat before continuing again.

“Keep thoughts and feelings for me only, they’re not safe with anyone else. No matter how much you like them. You tell them what to do, you decide what their fate is. Don’t allow disobedience, disrespect, or overreaching. You’re in control. Remember that, even when it doesn’t feel like it, you are. Finally… I’ll offer one last piece of advice.”

His eyes grew dark, and the energy around us shifted almost imperceptibly. As if it became heavier, denser. Ominous, almost.

“Kill anyone who dares to raise a hand toward you. And know that if you don’t, they’ll suffer a much worse fate at my hands before I  _ allow _ them to die.” 

His expression was dead serious, and I felt the sincerity in his voice. He was being very clear, and the way he said ‘allow’ left no doubts. He would torment them until their physical body couldn’t handle anymore and gave out. It would be a slow, and very painful, death.

A shiver slipped down my spine, causing me to sit up straighter. My thighs pushed together, and I cursed the dark impulses that resided in me. The thought of him torturing someone to death just for touching me should absolutely not arouse me.

It was a stark reminder that he was a flesh and bone man, complete with earthly vices. He’d staked his claim over me, and god help any sentient being who threatened it. 

Because he was not just any humanoid male. If the sheer size and brute strength wasn’t enough to deter the challenge, the maelstrom of Force energy vibrating around him would be the end for the poor soul. 

Kylo’s eyes were alight with mirth now, and a deep, throaty chuckle escaped him.

“Don’t laugh at me, I can’t help it.” I huffed, my face burning with embarrassment. 

He stood and came around the table, sending my heart racing. His mind was quiet, his shield was up. I didn’t know what he intended to do. 

He pushed my thighs apart, then lifted me effortlessly onto his waist. His hands engulfed my buttocks as he walked toward the bedroom, a firm protrusion from his groin bumping against my core with each step.

  
“Come now, little one. Nothing to be ashamed of. Let me take care of your needs,  _ again _ .” He grinned wickedly. 


End file.
